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33  WEST  MAIN  STREET 

WEBSTER,  N.Y.  14580 

(716)  872-4503 


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A 


CIHM/ICMH 

Microfiche 

Series. 


CIHM/ICMH 
Collection  de 
microfiches. 


Canadian  Institute  for  Historical  Microreproductions  /  Institut  Canadian  de  microreproductions  historiques 


Technical  and  Bibliographic  Notes/Notas  techniques  et  bibliographiques 


The  Institute  has  attempted  to  obtain  the  best 
original  copy  available  for  filming.  Features  of  this 
copy  which  may  be  bibliographically  unique, 
which  may  alter  any  of  the  Images  in  the 
reproduction,  or  which  may  significantly  change 
the  usual  method  of  filming,  are  checked  below. 


D 


n 


Coloured  covers/ 
Couverture  de  couleur 


I      !    Covers  damaged/ 


Couverture  endommagde 


Covers  restored  and/or  laminated/ 
Couverture  restaurde  et/ou  pelliculde 


j      I    Cover  title  missing/ 


The< 
to  th 


Le  titre  de  couverture  manque 


L'Institut  a  microfilm^  'e  meilleur  exemplaire 
qu'il  lui  a  eti  possible  de  se  procurer.  Les  details 
de  cet  exemplaire  qui  sont  peut-dtre  uniques  du 
poin*  de  vue  bibliographique,  qui  peuvent  modifier 
une  image  reproduite,  ou  qui  peuvent  exiger  -jne 
modification  dans  la  mdthode  normale  de  filmage 
sont  indiqu^s  ci-dessous. 

□    Coloured  pages/ 
Pages  de  coulour 

□    Pages  damaged/ 
Pages  endommegies 

r~>  Pages  restored  and/or  laminated/ 
'''^1    Pages  restauri^es  et/ou  pelliculdes 


Pages  discoloured,  stained  or  foxed/ 
'^  '    Pageii  ddcolordes,  tachetdes  ou  piqudes 


Thai 
poss 
of  th 
filmii 


Origi 
begii 
the  li 
sion, 
othei 
first 
sion, 
or  illi 


I      I    Coloured  maps/ 


D 


D 
D 


D 


D 


Cartes  gdographiques  en  couleur 

Coloured  ink  (i.e.  other  than  blue  or  black)/ 
Encre  de  couleur  (i.e.  autre  que  bleue  ou  noire) 


I      I    CoMurad  plates  and/or  illustraticns/ 


Planches  et/ou  illustrations  en  couleur 

Bound  with  other  material/ 
ReliA  avec  d'autrea  documents 

Tight  binding  may  cause  shadows  or  distortion 
along  interior  margin/ 

Lareliure  serr^e  peut  causer  de  Tombrs  ou  de  la 
distorsion  le  long  de  la  marge  intdrieure 

Blank  leaves  added  during  restoration  may 
appear  within  the  text.  Whenever  possible,  these 
have  been  omitted  from  filming/ 
II  se  peut  que  certaines  pagbs  blanches  ajoutdes 
lors  d'une  restauration  apparaissent  dans  le  texte, 
mais,  lorsque  cela  6tait  possible,  ces  pages  n'ont 
pas  iti  filmies. 

Additional  comments:/ 
Commentaires  supplimentairas; 


□Pages  detached/ 
Pages  ditachees 

r~7|    Showthrough/ 
L_J    Transparence 

I      I    Quality  of  print  varies/ 


D 


Quality  inigale  de  I'impression 

Includes  supplementary  material/ 
Comprend  du  materiel  supplementaire 

Only  edition  available/ 
Seule  Edition  disponible 


Pages  wholly  or  partially  obscured  by  errata 
slips,  tissues,  etc.,  have  been  refilmed  to 
ensure  the  best  possible  image/ 
Les  pages  totalement  ou  partiellament 
obscurcies  par  un  feuillet  d'srrata.  une  pelure, 
etc.,  ont  M  film^es  d  nouveau  de  facon  d 
obtenir  la  meilleure  image  possible. 


The  I 
shall 
TINL 
whic 

Mapi 
diffe 
entir 
begii 
right 
requ 
metJ- 


This  item  is  filmed  at  the  reduction  ratio  checked  below/ 

C4  document  est  f'llmi  au  taux  de  reduction  indiqud  ci-dessous. 

18X  22X 


10X 


14X 


26X 


30X 


12X 


16X 


20X 


24X 


28X 


32X 


tails 

du 
3difier 

'jne 
nage 


rrata 
o 


)elure, 


32X 


The  copy  filmed  here  has  been  reproduced  thanks 
to  the  generosity  of: 

Metropolitan  Toronto  Lvdrary 
Canadian  History  Department 


The  images  appearing  here  are  the  best  quality 
possible  considering  the  condition  and  legibility 
of  the  original  copy  and  in  keeping  with  the 
filming  contract  specifications. 


Original  copies  in  printed  paper  covers  are  filmed 
beginning  with  the  front  cover  and  ending  on 
the  last  page  with  a  printed  or  illustrated  impres- 
sion, or  the  back  cover  when  appropriate.  All 
other  original  copies  are  filmed  beginning  on  the 
first  page  with  a  printed  or  illustrated  impres- 
sion, and  ending  on  the  last  page  with  a  printed 
or  illustrated  impression. 


The  last  recorded  frame  on  each  microfiche 
shall  contain  the  symbol  -^(meaning  "CON- 
TINUED "),  or  the  symbol  V  (meaning  "END"), 
whichever  applies. 

Maps,  plates,  charts,  etc.,  may  be  filmed  at 
different  reduction  ratios.  Those  too  large  to  be 
entirely  included  in  one  exposure  are  filmed 
beginning  in  the  upper  left  hand  corner,  left  to 
right  and  top  to  bottom,  as  many  frames  as 
required.  The  following  diagrams  illustrate  the 
method: 


1 

2 

3 

L'exemplaire  filmd  fut  reproduit  grSce  d  la 
g6n6rosit6  de: 

Metropolitan  Toronto  Library 
Canadian  History  Department 


Les  images  suivantes  ont  6t6  reproduites  avec  le 
plus  grand  soin,  compte  tenu  de  la  condition  et 
de  la  nettet^  de  l'exemplaire  film^,  et  en 
conformity  avec  les  conditions  du  contrat  de 
filmage. 

Les  exemptaires  originaux  dont  la  couverture  en 
papier  est  imprimde  sont  film^s  en  commen^ant 
par  le  premier  plat  et  en  terminant  soit  par  la 
de;nidre  page  qui  comporte  une  empreinte 
d'impression  ou  d'illustration,  soit  par  le  second 
plat,  selon  le  cas.  Tous  les  autres  exemplaires 
originaux  sont  filmds  en  commenpant  par  la 
premidre  page  qui  comporte  une  empreinte 
d'impression  ou  d'illustration  et  en  terminant  par 
la  dernidre  page  qui  comporte  une  telle 
empreinte. 

Un  des  symboles  suivants  apparaitra  sur  la 
dernidre  image  de  cheque  microfiche,  selon  le 
cas:  le  symbole  — ^  signifie  "A  SUIVRE",  le 
syrnbole  V  signifie  "FIN". 

Les  cartes,  planches,  tableaux,  etc.,  peuvent  dtre 
film6s  i  des  taux  de  reduction  diffdrents. 
Lorsque  le  document  est  trop  grand  pour  dtre 
reproduit  on  un  seul  clich6,  il  est  film6  d  partir 
de  Tangle  supdrieur  gauche,  de  gauche  k  droite, 
et  de  haut  en  bas,  en  prenant  le  nombre 
d'images  n^cessaire.  Les  diagrammes  suivants 
illustrent  la  m6thode. 


1 

2 

3 

4 

5 

6 

I', 


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FldfadcJy .  Fr«Jerlck  Augustus .  -n^ 
Adventures  of  Ifccle  Saro  tn  Search 
alter  his  Jjomt  BBaor  iLf«'*-";s*-v=.- 
Conn.,1816.  '"         ^'""' 

Political  squib  attacking  the  Demo- 
crats and  the  War  in  general. 


I 


THI9 


ADVENTURES 


OF 


UNCLE   SAM, 


IN   SEARCH 


AFTER  HIS  LOST  HOiNOR. 


I 


■Hi 


•     I 


^. 


BY 

FREDERICK  AUGUSTUS  FIDFADDY,  Esq. 

MIMBXn  Of  THF.  LEGION  OF    nONOB,   SCBATCH-ETAHT  TO  CJ^CT,?.  8AK 

AND  rnivi  cotrwsELiou  to  himself. 


Taurum  per  caudam  grabbo.    (Merino  Latin^^^ 


MIDDLETOWjy: 
fRINTED   BY   SETII   IlICHAUD'*. 

1816. 


# 


A^^ 


g'D 


U 


jrafetrtct  of  Connectftut,  gs* 


TJE   IT  REMEMBERED;    Tliat  on   the  six- 


s     L.  S.     ^-*-^  tcenth  day  of  May,  in  the  fortieth  year  of  the 

€.***+**«*«<*  J  I'ldependence  ot  the  United  States  of  America, 

Setu  Uu',HAiu>s,  of  the  said  District,  hath  deposited  in  this  office 

the  title  of  a  B^'ok,  the  right  whereof  he  claims  as  proprietor, 

in  the  words  following,  to  wit  : — 

••  riie  adventures  of  Uncle  Sam,  in  search  after  his  lost 
*'  honor  ;  By  Fred  rick  Augustus  Fidfaddy,  Esq  Member  of 
*•  the  Legion  of  Honor,  Scratch-etary  to  Uncle  Sam,  and  Privy 
"Counsellor  to  himself.  Taurum  per  cr.udam  grabbo.  (Mc- 
*'  fv:\o  Latin.)" 

1m  CDnforniity  to  the  act  of  tlie  Congress  of  the  United  State?^, 
cntitltd,  "  An.  Act  for  the  encouragement  of  L'<;arninp-,  bv  ac- 
cunn- the  copies  of  Maps,  Charts  and  E')oks  to  the'aulhors 
i.nd  proprietors  of  such  copies,  duriiig  the  tir  j  therein  men  - 
tioncd." 

liENRY  W.  EDWARDS, 

Clevk  of  the  District  of  Covnectknt . 
A  true  copy  of  Record,  examined  and  sealed  by  me, 

HENRY  W.  EDWARDS, 

Ckrk  oftlip  Diftrirf  nf  Cmrrrrfirnt 


•) 


.^■ 


y 


^11 1  Tim  I  iMlPlwuiJjji^^^  -; 


CONTENTS, 


s- 

»e 

1. 

;e 

r, 

5t 
3f 


^ 


CHAPTER  I, 

Introduction. 

CHAPTER  n. 

Some  account  of  Thomas  flie  Magician. 

CHAPTER  m. 

Policy  of  Jacques-^Dialogue  between  Uncle  Sam  and 
his  Squire— Final  resolution  of  Uncle  Sam 

CHAPTER  IV. 

Household  afairsSituation  of  the  Strong  Box-^ 
Singular  expedient  to  replenish  it — Conference  be- 
tween the  Chief  Steward  and  Uncle  Sam^s  wife 

Argument  between  Madam  Sam  and  Tom  Boston. 

CHAPTER  V. 

An  unaccountable  bustle  about  the  Great  Wigwam 

Wonderful  appearances— Appointment  of  Bashaws 
and  Pachas— Count  Scratch-us-ofs  expedition— 
Sangrado  reads  the  declaration  of  war  to  Uncle  Sam. 
CHAPTER  VI. 

Intervieio  Between  UncU  Sam  and  his  Squire,  continue 
ed— Fresh  proofs  of  the  insolence  of  Tom  Boston- 
Some  account  of  Count  ScratcJi-of^s  ejcpedition— 
Second  attempt  on  the  Snowfelds  under  the  auspices 
of  Admiral  Tom-us-off. 

CHAPTER  VII. 

Wickedness  of  Tom  Boston— Proposals  for  an  armis" 


Page. 
6 

10 


21 


2^ 


3S 


46 


( 


i  n 


^ 


X 


y 


mmm 


tice^Naval  transactions—Philosophical  rejlectiofxs 
of  the  Historian*  56 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

Conferences  at  the  Wigwam — Trial  of  Count  Scratch- 
us-off— -Expedition  and  wonderful  adventures  of 
^myte^s-off^Causes  of  its  failure — Misfortunes 
of  our  friend  Nap — Re/lections.  ^5 

*  CHAPTER  IX. 

Sangrado's  special  care  of  kis  Master — A  village  Bar- 
Baom — Speech  oj  an  Old  Soldier — Family  confer- 
ence. 78 

CHAPTER  X. 

Uncle  Zachary^s  Chronicle  of  the  War  in  tlie  North, 
the  West  and  the  South — and  while  relating  thes^ 
marvellou>s  deeds,  he  maketh  many  wise  reflections,     92 
CHAPTER  XL 

Mistaken  nations  of  honor  condemned — Naval  trans- 
actions — Perry's  victory — Commodore  Rogers — 
Captain  Porter's  cruise  and  loss  of  the  Essex — 
Commodore  Chauncey — Captain  Warrington — 
Prevosfs  expedition— -Battle  on  Champlain — De- 
fence  of  New  Origans.  108 

CHAPTER  XH. 

Remarks  of  the  Historian — Gloomy  condition  of  Uncle 
Sam's  affairs — Family  meeting — Restdt  of  their 
deliberation— 'Treaty  of  Peace — Whimsical  conduct 
and  opinions  of  Uncle  Sam  respecting  it — The  ao- 
count  balanced — Re/lections  on  Washington's  and 
Jefferson's  Administrations — Qn  opposition — Con- 
clusion* 1^3 


WHP 


I  111  mm — .   -ih-amii 


ADVENTURES 


OP 


UNCLE  SAM,  &c. 


CHAPTER  L 


m 


INTRODUCTION. 

«  What  .'  another  Iiistory  of  the  war  ?  We  canmi 
be  always  reading^'  exclaims  a  Smoking  Lounger,  while 
'  he  strikes  his  silver  headed  rattan  against  the  door- 
post  of  the  Bookseller.  Sr  f tly,  my  friend,  the  work 
professes  to  be  the  Adventures  of  your  own  dear  Uncle 
if  you  ale  a  native  American,  or  of  your  Uncle47i-Law, 
if  you  are  not.  And  shall  we,  a  scientific  people,  sutler 
events  as  large  as  life,  and  feats  of  valor,  even  mor<? 
wonderful  than  the  characters  concerned  in  tiiem,  to 
pass  down  the  lane  of  time  on  the  tattered  wing  of  Ira- 
dition  ?  Shall  deeds  of  fame  hard  earned  in  iron  fields  of 
argument  flutter  on  to  future  times,  like  the  treaties  of 
savages,  on  the  tongues  of  women,  mutilated,  distorted, 
exaggerated  and  defrauded  of  half  their  beauty  ? 

Shall  the  adventures  of  a  hero,  equally  renowned  for 
his  valor,  wisdom  and  humanity,  boast  only  the  windy 
immortality  of  being  tossed  from  tongue  to  ear  ?  Shall 
deeds  that  deserve  to  be  inscribed  on  Pyiamids,  be  sent 
begging  to  the  tea-table,  to  sit  for  their  pictures  before 
female  artists  ?  Forbid  it  quills  !  Forbid  it  ink  /  For- 
bid  it  Printer's  types,  and  Printer's  devils.     But  admit- 


.  'i 


y 


^jf' 


6 


/ 


tiug  (for  argumenl'S  sake  only)  that  our  sulyect  were 
trivial,  have  wc  not  the  example  of  high  authority  for 
undertaking  a  work  of  this  kind  ?  Do  we  not  annually 
read  a  report  of  wire-drawn  longitude,  from  the  treasury 
Department,  treating  wholly  of  what,  every  creditor  to 
government  will  declare,  on  his  honor,  is  a  very  trifle. 
But  away  with  such  a  forhidden  thought  J  Has  not  the 
New  World  some  claim;  to  the  honors  of  the  resurgent 
age  of  chivalry  ?  Shall  Amadis  de  Gaul,  Don  Quixote 
and  Earl  Strongbow,  confer  mifading  glories  on  the 
respective  countries  which  were  the  theatres  of  their 
exploits  j  and  miser-like,  pocket  all  the  renown  of  ro- 
mantic chivalry  ?  Forbid  it  Uncle  Sam,  and  all  his 
sons  .' 

'•  But  w'o  is  the  Author  of  this  strange  work  ?  What 
does  he  call  himself?  Tid  Fid  Faddy?  this  cannot  be  his 
real  name, — a  mere  fiction."     Aye,  but  honest  friend, 
what  is  there,  in  these  degenerate  days  that  does  al- 
ways pass  by  its  real,  deserved  name  ?    does  villany, 
knavery,  deception,  put  on  no  flattering  disguises,  and 
will  you  quarrel  with  a  name,  which  to  say  tlic  lerst, 
cannot  raise  your  expectations  ?  But  on  the  other  hand  : 
Do  not  honesty,  patriotism,  nay,  docs  not  religion  itseli; 
often  suffer  from  counterfeits  and  masquerades  ?    Do 
you  smell  no  deception  in  the  proffered  benevolence  of 
the    Demagogue,  whose   ardent  fire  of  love  for  you, 
licks  up  the  last  morsel  of  happiness  from  the  altar  of 
Freedom,  whose  fraternal  squeeze  would  unbotton  the 
last  pitiful  cent  from  your  purse.     Ah,  then  do  net 
censure  the  modest  reserve  of  au  author,   who  oily 
claims  the  privilege  of  doini^  good  unseen  :  neither  will 
you  do  well  to  envy  him ;  for  if  his  work  should  iall 
beneath  the  notice  of  criticism,  you  may  safely  fancy 


^ 


W' 


tmm 


9ei 


r-sr-rfr.: 


"S^r^ 


i 


i  ■ 


to  yomself  that  you  sec  the  cliagrin  exuding  from  tho 
corners  of  both  his  eyes  ;  hut  if  any  wind  of  public 
opinion  should  puff  a  little  praise  in  his  ear,  remero- 
ber  that  he  must  still  offer  it  up  to  his  own  heart  in  se- 
cret, and  he  has  lived  long  enough  in  the  world  to  know, 
that  he  that  serves  himself,  has  an  awkward  servant, 
and  a  scurvy  master. 

"  But  what  are  his  pretensions  to  literature  ?  does  he 
presume  to  enter  the  lists  with  Gulliver,  Cervantes  and 
Defoe  ?"  Now  again  thou  hast  nearly  grappled  thy 
game,  but  that  the  Author  recollects,  most  opportunely, 
the  importance,  dignity  and  majesty  of  liis  subject, 
which  must  ever  challenge  the  attention  of  the  public, 
even  in  the  the  hands  of  the  most  illiterate  scribe. 

"  But  again  ;  art  thou  a  philosophic  statesman  ?  Art 
skilled  in  the  anatomy  of  Gunboats  and  Seventy  fours  ? 
Hast  ever  been  chairman  of  a  Committee  of  Ways  an^ 
Means  ?  Hast  ever  presided  at  a  public  Dinner  ?"  Not 
entirely  all  this  ;  his  faculties  have,  indeed,  been  plod- 
ding over  his  Country's  Credit  and  attempting  to  trace 
its  Anatomical  outline,  from  the  skeleton  which  our 
State  surgeons  have  generously  exliibited  for  the  in- 
spection of  the  curious.     He  has  taken  some  few  lec- 
tures on  the  new  and  fascinating  science  of  spending 
two  dollars,  where  one  would  do  as  well,  and  in  imita- 
tion of  certain  industrious   Committees  has  reported 
progress  and  obtained  leave  to  sit  again.    N^w  hon^lU*—'-^'' 
friend,  if  you  will  make  a  halt  in  your  enquiries-  the  Ai*» 
thor  will  tell  you  at  once,  quite  a¥  inuch  about  himself 
as  you  will  have  patience  to  hear,  and  th»n  without  any 
parade  or  ceremony,  will  introduce  you  to  the  subject. 
The  person  to  whom  tlie  pul>lic  and  y«?ursellj  are  about 
to  be  indebted  (and  to  whom  he  sincerely  wishes  yau 


i 


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w 


•'M' 


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li- 


8 

both  may  feel  veiy  much  obliged)  has  had  a  smattering 
of  the  languuges  in  his  boyisli  days,  has  had  the  good 
lor  tune,  if  it  be  any,  to  see  botli  sides  of  the  walls  of  a 
College,  has  read  some^  but  reflected  more.  Now  if 
you  should  have  no  expectations  after  hearing  all  this, 
you  cannot  be  disappointed  on  perusing  these  wonde-- 
tbl  adventures ;  but  if  disappointment  sliould  unfortu- 
nately be  your  lot,  pray  call  to  mind  a  little  school  pro- 
verb of  an  inch  in  length — Non  omnes  omnia  and  if  th?it 
does  not  satisfy — lake  Nemo,  omnihus  IwriSf  sapit. — 
Making  you,  Sir,  a  most  profound  bow,  the  Author 
turns,  for  a  moment  to  the  public.  With  much  fear  and 
no  litfle  shaking  the  quill-driver  of  these  sheets,  finds 
liimseir,  engaged  in  writing  a  histoiy  of  the  most  splen- 
did advenlures,  that  ever  passed  in  i\\h  freezing  and 
thawing  world.  If  the  learned  reader  sliould  find  the 
^constituent  parts  of  this  wonderful  history,  partly  Biog^ 
raphical.  partly  Historical  ard  in  some  degree  quizzi- 
cal, and  sliould  be  at  a  loss  how  to  name  it,  he  is  at  full 
liberty  to  alter  the  title  to  his  own  liking,  and  if  criti- 
cism should  sternly  insist  that,  the  work  has  none  of 
the  three  great  requisites,  a  beginning,  a  middle  and  an 
end,  the  Autlior  has  obligingly  fixed  the  beginning  at 
the  first  page  and  the  end  at  the  last,  leaving  every  one 
to  place  the  middle  where  it  best  suits  him  :  or  the 
learned  critic  may  make  a  beginning  by  reading  only  a 
few_j2SS!^^'  and  an  end,  by  frowning  the  whole  work  at 
once  intcTobitvion,  whereby  two  out  of  the  three  re- 
quisites, will  certainly  be  produced. 

In  short,  the  learned'^Author,  in  imitation  of  high  au- 
ihorities,  solicits  the  indulgence  of  the  public  : — 1.  With 
regard  to  the  appearance  of  our  common  Uncle  Sam. 
Although,  he  is  old  enough  to  be  very  whimsical,  he  is 


1 

T 


+ 


\ 


--:5Bn.«C^ 


* 

like  the  Author,  a  green  character  on  the  stage.  He 
will  occasionally  make  his  appearance  on  various  parts 
of  it  5  bouncing  like  a  Sturgeon,  sinkin'*  out  of  sight  and 
soon  after  thundering  out  at  a  distant  ;part.  Now  if 
any  one  should  be  so  impertinent  as  to  enquire  how  he 
travelled)  some  of  '  nr  Novel-readers,  would  be  J.e  most 
proper  persons  to  sclve  the  difficulty.  2.  It  fill  be  ob- 
served that  another  hand  besides  the  professed  author^s 
has  fingered  occasionally  in  the  work. 

This,  with  the  discerning,  will  form  no  objection.— 
Of  this  character  will  be  the  next  chapter.  The  learn- 
ed ancestors  of  mine  uncle  Zachary  are  well  known  to 
the  Hebrew  public.  And  although  the  Author  at  first 
resolved  to  have  no  Mosaic  work  in  the  splendid  struc- 
ture, yet  it  ©ccurred  to  him  that  variety  ever  has  its  at- 
tractions and  it  is  well  known  that  Stanhold  and  Hop- 
kin's  translated  Psalms  in  company.  Having  said  this 
the  Author  submits  himself  to  the  acutely  censorious, 
allowing  them  to  use  the  Birchen  rod  whenever  they 
can  find  him. 


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1 


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a* 


^^^♦n^ 


CHAPTER  II. 


KOME  Account  op  thomas,  the  ma«ician. 


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1.  AriD  it  came  to  pass,  fell  out,  or  happened,  some- 
what uofore  the  time  at  which  our  history  begins,  that 
there  arose  a  mighty  man  in  the  land,  called  Thomas, 
the  Magician,  on  account  of  his  great  skill  and  cunning 
in  dark  and  mysterious  projects. 

2,  This  man  when  in  his  full  strength,  was  a  mighty 
man  of  valor,  and  withal  very  tender  hearted  ;  inso- 
much that  in  the  first  notable  quarrel  between  John 
Bull  and  Uncle  Sam,  he  betook  himself  to  a  huge  cav- 
ern lest  his  great  strength  and  valor  might  do  overmuch 
violence  to  his  enemies. 

8.  Here  he  studied  magic  Necromancy  and  all  the 
curious  arts  that  serve  to  make  a  man  great  in  the  eyes 
of  the  multitude. 

4.  This  Thomas  was  moreover,  of  a  religious  turn  of 
mind  for,  whereas  Uncle  Sam  acknowledged  only  one 
God,  Thomas  professed  to  believe  in  twenty  or  none  as 
occasion  required  :  Whence  it  came  to  pass  that  the 
multitude  for  the  space  of  many  years^  cried  out  «  great 
is  Thomas  the  Magician." 

6.  And  it  fell  out  that  in  process  of  time,  Thomas  fix- 
<*d  his  eye  on  the  chief  steward  ship ;  for  tins  he  rea- 
soned with  himself.  Behold  now  the  multitude  of  the 
people  cr  ieth  after  me,  and  although  George  who  is  now 
chief  steward,  is  greatly  beloved  by  the  people  yet  he 
now  governeth  the  household  of  Samuel  by  a  new  cove- 
nant unto  which  divers  of  tliem  have  not  willingly  con- 


\ 


■:>''^ 


11 


S^nted  ;  therefore  I  will  listen  diligently,  and  whenso- 
ever T  hear  a  murmuring^  I  will  say  unto  the  people, 
Would  it  not  have  been  better  thus  ?  Behold  did  I  not 
forewarn  thee  ? 

6.  And  so  it  came  to  pass,  that  he  bep^an  to  take  the 
servants  by  the  hand,  and  say  unto  them,  "  O  that  I 
were  made  judge  in  the  Land,  that  any  man  havin(^  a 
matter,  should  come  to  me  and  I  would  do  him  justice.'* 

7.  Nevertlieless  the  people  were  not  minded  to  heark- 
en to  him  for  this  time,  so  that  John  became  chief 
steward. 

8.  yet  during  the  stewardship  of  John,  which  was 
fifty  and  two  moons,  Thomas  ceased  not  to  vex  the  un- 
derstanding of  the  multitude  and  to  cause  them  to  find 
much  fault  with  the   conduct  of  John  and  the  wife  of 

V  Samuel,  and  caused  many  grievous  and  sore  complaints 
to  be  brought  against  them  : 

9.  Behold  said  Thomas,  how  mine  Uncle  Samuel  hath 
fought  in  times  past  against  John  Bull  and  hath  prevail- 
ed, nevertheless  he  oweth  at  this  time,  many  talents  of 

silver  ; 

10.  Yet  John  ceaseth  not  to  build  ships  and  to  have 
bowmen  and  spearmen  not  a  few,  and  to  lay  many 
grievous  burthens  on  the  people  and  crieth  out  « the  Phi- 
listines,'' when  no  enemy  is  near,  and  the  whole  Land  is 
in  peace. 

n.  And  see  ye  not  this  woman,  in  whom  the  heart 
of  mine  Uncle  Samuel  is  bound  up,  how  she  walketh  in 
the  pride  of  her  imagination,  and  hath  bought  many 
costly  ornaments  of  silk  and  of  purple,  and  delighteth 
in  hoods  and  ear-rings  and  bracelets  and  nose-jewels 
wid  saith  1  sit  a  Queen." 


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12 

12.  Moreover,  she  whispereth  in  seoet  and  backbi- 
teth  and  mocketh  at  all  who  walk  not  in  her  ways  and 
approve  not  of  her  evil  doings. 

13.  And  thus  did  Thomas  stir  up  the  minds  of  the 
people  against  John  and  they  waxed  wroth  against 
John  and  they  tlirust  him  out  of  the  stewardship  and 
said  unto  Thomas  «  Reign  thou  over  us."  And  unto 
Samuel  they  said,  The  counsel  of  this  woman  is  not 
good,  for  she  wastelh  thy  substance 

14.  Lo  !  now  put  her  away,  and  take  unto  thee  the 
Damsel  which  Thomas  hath  provided,  for  he  hath  pro- 
ved her.  So  Samuel  hearkened  unto  tlie  people  and 
put  away  his  wife,  and  the  thing  grieved  George  sore. 

15.  Howbeit  he  put  her  away  and  took  the  damsel, 
even  the  woman  which  Thomas  had  appointed  j  and 
he  went  in  unto  her  and  She  became  his  wife. 

16.  Now  Thomas  had  instructed  her  aforetime  and 
said,  whenever  it  shall  come  to  pass  that  thou  shalt 
rule  in  the  house  of  Samuel,  whatsoever  I  shall  bid  you 
to  do,  that  shalt  thou  do  without  gainsaying ;  and  she 
said,  I  will. 

17.  Moreover,  Thomas  rea^^oned  with  himself  and 
said,  I  have  obtained  the  stewardsliip  by  means  of  de- 
ceiving the  people,  and  speaking  many  things  against 
the  acts  of  all  tliose  that  have  gone  before  me.  Now 
I  will  consider  not  what  is  wise  and  just  to  be  done  5 
but  what  George  and  John  have  done,  and  as  they 
have  done,  so  will  I  not  do. 

18.  So  he  straightway  thrust  out  all  the  servants  of 
the  Kitchen  and  of  the  household,  even  the  chief  But- 
ler and  chief  Baker,  (for  he  said,  lest  they  make  known 
my  deeds)  and  put  others  m  their  stead.    And  unto 


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13 

the  Publicans  and  Tax-Gatliercrs  he  said,  What  do  y^, 
Oppressing  the  people  ?   and  he  cast  them  out. 

19  And  unto  the  Bowmen  and  Spearmen  he  said, 
What  mean  ye  by  this  armor  ?  Wist  ye  not  that  the 
Land  is  in  peace  ?  And  why  are  there  such  mighty 
ships  on  the  great  waters  ?  peradventure  John  Bull 
shall  steal  upon  them  unawares,  and  take  them  away, 
for  he  loveth  treachery  and  deceit.  And  he  SJiid  unto 
them,  ye  shall  even  take  them  and  the  price  shall  be 
whai  seemeth  good  unto  you.    And  they  did  so. 

20.  And  Thomas  said  unto  the  wife  of  Samuel,  for- 
asmuch as  we  have  spoken  against  costly  attire,  ye 
shall  put  off  your  ornaments. 

21.  The  wages  of  our  servants  shall  be  made  less  for 
even  this  we  have  pronn'sed  unto  the  people,  inasmuch 
as  we  have  spoken  loudly  against  John  for  all  his  ex- 
travagance in  the  household  of  Samuel ;  wherefore,  ye 
shall  speak  unto  the  servants,  and  he  that  aforetime 
liath  received  ten  talents,  shall  receive  five,  and  he  that 
received  two,  shall  receive  one. 

22.  Howbeit,  the  woman  communed  with  tlie  ser- 
vants and  said,  Hear  ye  what  Thomas  saith  ?  Now  the 
wages  ye  receive  are  not  too  much,  ye  shall  even  keep 
them,  for  behold,  Thomas  himself,  now  he  hath  obtaii^- 
ed  the  chief-stewardship,  receiveth  twenty-five  talenlis, 
the  same  that  liath  been  aforetime.  And  they  said 
unto  her.  Thy  counsel  is  good* 

23.  Moreover  when  Thomas  first  came  into  the  stew- 
ardship he  assembled  all  the  people  together,  and  spake 
smoothly  unto  them,  and  whereas  he  knew  that  there 
was  a  division  amongst  the  people,  which  himself  had 
caused,  he  said,  ye  are  all  brethren,  wot  ye  not  that 
ye  are  all  Jews,  ye  are  all  Samaritans;  therefore  strive 


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noi  one  against  another.  Your  aftairs  prosper  and  your 
gold  overfloweth,  Therefore  be  ye  not  dismayed,  for  I 
will  render  equal  and  exact  justice  unto  all,  and  I  will 
give  unto  Labor  tlie  bread  it  has  earned. 

24.  And  the  people  rejoiced  exceedingly,  howbeit, 
some  doubted. 

2o.  And  in  those  days,  certain  evil  minded  men  rose 
lip  against  Thomas  and  said,  Thou  hast  broken  down 
the  defences  wherein  we  trusted  and  hast  sold  the  ships 
wherein  we  went  down  upon  the  Great  waters,  and  the 
spearmen  are  driven  away  and  scattered  to  and  fro, 
and  peradventure  John  Bull,  or  Apollyon  the  king  of 
the  Assyrians,  shall  come  and  shall  wai'  against  us,  and 
we  shall  be  devoured  before  them. 

26..  And  Thomas  said  I  \\ill  build  boats  a  great  multi- 
tude, the  price  whereof  shall  ])e  but  few  talents ;  and 
when  the  enemy  secth  them  lie  shall  be  afraid,  and  sliall 
tl     irt  from  our  borders. 

27.  Moreover,  I  have  mtule  a  jK'jrchmcnt  roll,  where- 
in  I  have  said  man)'-  grievous  thirtgs  r.gainst  John  and 
his  servants,  and  when  \\uiy  see  it  and  read  tiie  nnUter 
that  is  written,  tlicy  shall  be  afraid  and  their  knees 
shall  smite  together. 

,  28.  Nevertheless  the  servants  of  Bull  appeared  full 
of  haughtiness  and  with  swelliiig  words,  had  the  boats 
of  Tliomns  in  derision  j  and  even  the  parchmeiU  roil 
they  regarded  not,  and  being  exceedingly  pulled  np, 
biaspliemed  against  the  magic  and  wisdo.n  of  Thomas 
by  which  he  divined. 

29.  Moreover,  the  servants  of  Apollyon  came  and 
possessed  the  wilderness  of  Sin,  which  lieth  on  the  broo!: 
Iliddekel,  to  the  Soutii  and  to  the  West  of  the  plains  Oi^ 
Samuel-     And  the  servants  of  Apollyon  became  e.v 


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15 

ceedingly  troublesome,  and  strove  with  them,  saying, 
Ye  shall  not  wash  ia  the  brook,  nor  lay  your  stuff  by 
the  side  thereof. 

30.  And  these  tidings  amazed  Thomas,  and  he  said, 
What  shall  I  do  ?  I  will  even  buy  the  wilderness  for  a 
price,  even  the  wilderness  of  Sin.  And  he  bought  it  for 
fifteen  talents  of  Gold. 

31.  For  he  said.  The  Country  stretcheth  even  to  the 
going  down  of  the  sun,  and  now  this  woman  which 
Samuel  hath  taken  unto  him,  betokeneth  to  have  many 
Children. 

32.  Moreover  I  will  send  into  the  far  countries,  to- 
wards the  sun  rising,  even  over  the  great  waters,  and  I 
will  bring  over  the  blind,  the  halt  and  the  lame,  and 
even  him  that  parteth  the  hoof  and  cheweth  not  the 
cud,  I  will  not  refuse. 

33.  And  those  that  have  committed  any  manner  of 
abomination  and  have  been  thrust  out  of  tlieir  habita- 
tions, sliall  be  received  within  our  gates  and  shall  even 
bear  rule  in  our  liousehold. 

34.  For,  inasmuch  as  I  have  received  wisdom  of 
twenty  gods,  it  is  no  marvel  if  I  shall  cause  tliem  to  re- 
frain from  their  evil  doiiiirs,  and  tiiey  sliall  establish 
me  in  mine  office.  And  the  thing  pleased  the  wife  of 
Samuel  insomuch  that  her  heart  leaped  within  her  for 

35.  And  it  can:e  to  pass  that  John  Cull  warred  with 
ApolJyon  on  the  grc{!l  waters,  and  prevailed ;  baton 
the  Land  Apoljyon  prevailed,  and  the  nations  were  dis- 
comfited and  fled  like  Grasshoppers  before  him. 

3G.  And  they  each  of  them  questioned  with  Samuel 
and  said  "join  with  me,  join  with  me."  And  Samuel 
smote  upon  his  forehead^  and  was  perplexed. 


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87.  And  the  servants  of  Bull  took  the  merchandize 
of  Samuel  and  of  his  Merchants.  And  in  like  manner 
did  the  servants  of  Apollyon. 

38.  And  the  chief  steward  said,  what  shall  I  do  ?— 
and  he  said  I  will  even  do  this.  I  will  send  forth  a  de- 
cree that  none  of  the  servants  of  Samuel  shall  hence- 
forth trade  upon  the  great  waters,  even  from  the  rising 
of  the  sun  unto  the  going  down  of  the  same. 

39.  And  he  published  the  decree  and  gave  charge 
to  his  servants  saying.  If  ye  find  any  one  using  the 
trade  of  a  Merchant,  or  carrying  his  stuff  upon  the 
great  waters,  ye  shall  take  them,  and  take  away  their 
stuff  and  the  ship  wherewith  they  dealt. 

40.  And  the  people  cried  out,  and  said  upto  the  chief 
steward.  Thou  hast  done  us  great  mischief,  for  divers 
of  us  have  no  other  means  of  providing  food  for  our 
little  ones,  save  that  we  traffic  on  the  great  waters,  and 
Lo,  now  our  Ships  have  become  food  for  worms. 

41.  Moreover  they  said  our  fathers  did  not  thus, 
when  the  Assyrians  did  us  mischief  aforetime,  they  re- 
sisted unto  blood  and  prevailed. 

42.  And  Thomas  was  wroth  and  chode  with  them 
saying,  «  What  mean  ye  to  find  fault  always  and  to 
vex  mine  heart ;  behold  now,  for  these  many  years,  ye 
have  dealt  on  the  great  waters  and  have  increased 
your  substance,  and  have  waxed  fat  and  have  kicked. 
When  your  substance  was  wasted  by  the  enemy,  ye 
complained  and  lo  now  I  have  connnanded  you  to 
keep  yourselves  in  safety,  and  still  ye  complain." 

43.  And  the  people  answered  and  said,  when  our 
foes  destroyed  our  substance  we  asked  for  protection  j 
Yea,  we  had  a  right  to  demand  it,  inasmuch  as  we  pay 
every  year,  into  the  treasury,  many  talents.    Albeit  we 


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have  only  insisted  on  the  privilege  e£  deiWlin^  oiuv 
Stives. 

44.  And  moreover  thou  art  i^ind  and  forbearing  to- 
ward this  wicked  Apollyon,  even  now  winle  he  doeth  us 
much  evil,  he  burneth  our  ships,  and  casteth  our  men 
into  his  prison;  and  saith  unto  us,  Ye  are  a  feeble  and 
contemptible  people,  ye  are  as  women. 

45.  Then  Thomas  hfted  up  his  voice  and  said.  Ye 
are  a  very  foolish  people,  inasmuch  as  ye  know  not 
your  own  good  ;.  What  need  ye  go  upon  the  great  wa- 
ters  ?  keep  at  liome,  and  ye  shall  be  out  of  danger, 
see  ye  not  the  fields  ?  are  they  not  sufficient  to  aflbrd 
sustenance  for  yourselves  and  your  httle  ones. 

4'>.  It  is  not  wise  that  ye  have  built  sliips  ;  it  fs  u 
very  foohsh  tiling,  and  wliereas  ye  pretend  tliat  all 
knowledge  is  with  you  ye  know  nothing  at  all. 

47.  And  as  for  this  Apollyon  of  whom  ye   complain, 
m  that  he  hath  destroyed  your  substance,  burned  your 
ships,  and  cast  your  young  men  into  prison,  he  mean- 
eth  you  not  evil,  but  good  in  that  he  hath  done  th- 
for  he  seeth  ye  are  fools  to  have  ships,  and  knoweth 
that  ye  ought  to  be  keepers  of  flocks  and  craftsmen  - 
but  as  for  Bull  he  meaneth  you  evil,  and  his  heart  is 
fully  set  in  him  tO  do  wickedly.     But  as  for  this  Apo!- 
Jyon  hath  he  not  declared  that  he  loveth  us  ? 

48.  So  Thomas  regarded  not  the  ciy  of  the  people, 
lor  he  sauf,  AVisdom  is  with  me.  ,        ^    ' 

49.  And  it  came  to  pass,  that  at  the  end  of  everv 
year,  even  at  the  full  moon,  Thomas  made  a  speech 
unto  the  people, «  ye  have  Gold  in  abundance  and  youv 
substance  is  increasing  j  Wot  ye  not  that  I  have  done 
this  by  my  wisdom  r^ 


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18 


# 


59.  And  as  the  time  drew  nigh  when  Thomas  must 
depart  from  the  stewardship,  he  said,  Lo  now  these  ma- 
ny years  have  I  served  you,  I  have  not  ceased  to  build 
you  up  and  to  make  you  a  great  people  and  even  now 
your  Gold  overfloweth  ;  now  consider  wjiat  ye  shall  do 
■with  it,  for  ye  have  not  where  to  bestow  it  and  if  ye 
have  much  treasure  laid  up,  behold  it  bringeth  forth 
pride,  and  begetteth  wars. 

61.  (Albeit,  certaiii  lewd  fellows  of  the  baser  sort, 
rose  up  and  said,  the  burden  of  too  much  treasure,  will 
not  be  numbered  among  the  cares  of  those  who  come 
.ifter  thee.) 

52.  And  Thomas  did  that  which  was  right  in  the 
jiight  of  his  own  eyes,  and  brought  many  from  far  coun- 
tries to  dwell  in  the  land  of  Samuel;  even  Thomas 
the  high  priest,  from  the  Land  of  Apollyon,  to  burn  in- 
tense upon  his  altars,  and  wrote  a  letter  unto  him  with 
his  own  hand. 

53.  And  it  fell  out  in  the  Stewardship  of  John,  that 
lie  made  a  decree  saying  thou  shalt  not  speak  evil  of 
ihe  rulers  of  thy  people  ;  thou  shalt  not  lie.  And  the 
thing  displeased  Thomas  and  he  said  the  decree  is  not 
wood,  So  he  destroyed  the  decree  and  said  thou  mtiy- 
est  lie ;  but  thou  shalt  not  speak  the  truth  against  the 
rulers  of  thy  people. 

54.  And  he  searched  and  found  a  certain  man  whom 
John  had  cast  into  prison  for  speaking  falsely,  and  he 
took  him  thence  and  spake  kindly  unto  him,  and  re- 
stored to  him  the  two  hundred  pieces  of  silver  which 
he  had  paid  for  his  evil  speaking. 

55.  And  whereas  John  had  warred  againt  Apollyon^ 
and  had  taken  from  him  a  great  ship,  even  a  ship  of 
war,  Thomas  caused  tJie  damage  of  the  .ship  t«  lit 


4 


m 


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19 


made  up,  and  the  price  of  it  was  (l.irty  and  two  th»u 


sand 


shi 


the 


pieces  ot  silver,  anu  uc  restored 
servants  of  ApoUyon,  for  he   said  ^e  are  all  brethren 
and  ApoUyon  loveth  us.    ,  „    ,    .         ♦ 

56.  And  Tiiomas  excelled  in  wisdom  all  that  went 
before  him,  insomuch  tliat  it  is  a  common  saymg  unto 
this  day,  There  is  none  like  him. 

57.  And  he  wrote  a  book  containing  many  wise  say- 
ings,  and  much  wisdom  ;  for  he  spake  of  mountains  and 
rivers  and  fishes  ;  and  of  trees  from  the  Oak  that  mak^ 
eth  the  beams  of  ships,  to  the  Tobacco  plant  that  burn- 
eth  before  the  nostrils. 

58.  And  he  spake  moreover  of  men,  from  the  man 
of  fair  and  ruddy  complexion  to  the  red  man  of  the 
forest,  and  even  to  tlie  Etheopian  whose  wool  is  upon 
his  head.  And  he  spake  of  them  wisely,  even  trom 
the  color  of  the  skin,  to  that  which  pertaineth  to  the 
foreskin,  and  which  remaineth  within  the  loins,  and  be- 

hind  the  kidneys. 

59.  And  he  spake  also  of  beasts,  from  the  Mammoth, 
that  browzeth  on  the  tops  of  tiie  mountains,  to  the  dog 
of  the  meadow,  even  the  Prairie  dog  ;  and  also  of  the 
frog,  even  the  horned  frog  that  leapeth  in  the  mud. 

60.  And  he  declared  moreover  unto  the  people,  that 
in  the  wilderness  of  Sin  there  was  salt,  even  a  moun- 
tain of  salt,  in  so  great  abundance  that  although  much 
of  it  should  be  taken  away,  yet  it  should  not  seem  to 

be  wasted. 

61.  And  the  time  drew  nigh,  when  Thomas  mu&t 
leave  tlie  ..ewardship,  he  retired  within  liis  own  im- 
portance, And  the  rest  of  the  acts  of  Thomas,  and 
P,U  tlie  wise  things  which  he  said,  and  the  foohsh  thing? 


,\ 


Y 


wlilch  he  did,  are  tliey  not  writlcH  on  the  leaves  of 
Stridepole,  and  engraved  on  the  hearts  of  the  children 
of  Samuel.  And  Thomas  was  gathered  unto  hrniself-- 
rivcA  ifmm  tVr«  P«ri  ©fa  O n,  reigned  m  hiK  5teK(^ 


J!V. 


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V 


i 


1 


CHAPTER  lil* 

^.OLICY  OF  JACau»!S— DIALOGUE  BETWEEN  UNCLE  SAM  AN» 
HIS  SQUIRE— FINAL  RESOLUTION  OP  UNCLE  SAM. 

It  need  haidly  be  mentioned  that  Jacques  no  sooner 
had  the  management  of  mine  Uncle's  estate  than  he  de- 
dared  himself  pleased  with  the  policy  of  the  Magi- 
cian of  whom  mine  uncle  Zachary  hath  discoursed  so 
learnedly.     Being   the  third  of  the  pipeweed  Dynasty, 
he  determined  to  be  at  least  the  second  in  the  philoso- 
phic regime  of  the  family  ;  and  to  endeavor  to  teach 
Uncle  Sam's  boys,  (what  indeed  the  stubborn  dunces 
were  very  loth  to  learn)  that  by  mere  dint  of  reason- 
ing, theymight  bear  the  chastisement  of  Scorpions  with 
philosophic  fortitude  and  christian  meekness,  while  a 
smart  tingling  of  the  whip  should  start  them  into  re- 
vengeful action,  and  iouse  them  to  tiptoe-indignation. 
It  was  alledged  that  that  dumb,  yet  faithful  animal,  the 
horse,  had  been  taught  to  receive  the  friendly  pattings 
and  the  scourging  lash,  with  the  same  Stoic  acquiesence 
from  his  master,  while  he  would  kick  indignantly  at  the 
stranger  who  merely  spoke  to  or  pointed  at  him.    How 
much  then  is  a  man  better  and  more  rational  than  a 

horse  ?  My 

While  Jacq^  wns  thus  ruminating  on  the  events  of 
the  times,  a  comparative  view  of  the  fame  which  now 
is,  with  that  reputation,  which  the  approbatory  voice 
df  a  cool-headed  posterity  usually  confers,. presented 
itself  to  his  mind.  «  If  I  follow  said  he,  the  example  of 
my  predecessor  in  office  and  of  my  friend  Nap,  I  shall 

3' 


f/ 


I 


22 

regard  solely  the  incidents  of  the  present  moment ; 
To  be  artful  in  managing  events,  is  to  be  successful— 
to  be  successful  is  to  be  famous— to  be  famous  is  to  be 
great,  and  what  more  is,  or  can  be  desired,  or  wished 
for  ?  Alexander  accomplished  no  more,  and  perished 
before  he  was  forty ;  he  reached  not  the  full  measure 
even  of  that  short  span  of  existence  commonly  allotted 
to  mortals  5  he  sunk  into  his  grave,  whilst  the  peal  of 
adulation  was  sounding  in  full  chorus  on  his  ear,  and 
before  the  elements  had  time  to  blot  out  the  sangumary 
stains  which  marked  the  pathway  of  his  gloiy." 

«  C.Tsar,  on  the  day  previous  to  the  memorable  bat- 
tie  of  Pharsalia,  spent  no  time  in  weighing  the  judg. 
ments  of  posterity,  he  cared  not  a  fig  for  the  good  or 
ill  opinion  which  succeeding  ages  might  form  of  his 
moral  principles  or  political  conduct.  And  while  the 
self  sufficient  Pompey  was  pk^ing  cards  and  drmking 
^-Ine,  he  was  arranging  the  plan  of  attack  on  the  com. 
ing  day,  a  day  vvhidi  was  to  decide  :  liberties  of 
Romt',  and  give  a  master  to  the  boirj  .'ui>    smew  of 

the  world. 

«  But  nearer  home.— Did  our  friend  Nap  muse  about 
the  judgement  of  posterity  when  he  decided  the  fate 
of  Switzerland  and  Holland  ?    Did  he  dread  tlie  sober 
,'  .cre  of  the  moralist,  when  he  dispatched  his  prisoners 
at  Jaffa.    When  he  executed  the  Duke  of  Enghem  and 
th-  unfortunate  Bookseller  Palm  ?  No,  he  reasoned,  and 
lustly  too  ^  give  me  Empire  and  let  my  fame  take  care 
of  itself,'-"  Take  no  thought  for  the  morrow,    (that 
W  for  the  morrow  of  future  ages,)  is  a  wise  precept--, 
rather  let  me  take  thought  for  the  Stewardship  ;  for  ,t 
is  settled  that  we  full  bloods  of  the  Pipeweed   family, 

-   ...     i,«  <4f«tt,«rdshin.    The  first  term  1 


c\ 


\ 


}. 


tA 


am  sure  of,  and  if  war  with  Jolin  BuH  j  necessary  t* 
secure  it  again,  war  it  sliall  be.  Wl.en  my  predeces- 
sor  caused  the  repeal  of  the  internal  duties  he  regard- 
ed  present  not  future  good,  for  the  popular  cry  the. 
«as.  «  no  taxes."  And  «l.en  the  public  voice  say* 
war  and  taxes,  so  it  must  be ;  no  matter  by  what  mean, 
that  voice  has  been  produced,  or  inttuenced. 

Thus  eiaculated  the  chief  steward,  Sangrudo  made  a 
profound  bow  and  repaired  to  the  tent  of  Uncle  Sam, 
vvhom  he  found  smoking  his  pipe,  and  n.  a  posture 
more  than  usually  thoughtful.    Well,  said  uune  Uncle, 
Sangrado,  what  is  the  serious  world  about  ?  What  new. 
of  Bull,  what  of  Nap,  what  says  the  chief  Stewar,  do 
«chave  war  or  peace?  I  begin  to  grow  "redoft^n^ 
state  of  things.    If  we  have  war,  Sangrado,  I  must  tell 
you  I  am  not  a  lUtle  fearful  of  this  nag  Democracy,  a 
fine  Beast,  O  as  true  as  the  needle,  a  fine  Beast  to  r.de 
fo  Elections  on  and   manage  state  affairs  nr  fme  of 
peace  ;  but  in  war,  when  the  battle  rages,     am  afra.d, 
Lai.  i  am  afraid  the  restive  truant  wont  hke  the  smell 
of  powder  ;  ah  and  its  no  trifling  affair  to  meet  John 
Bull  in  the  Held,  I've  try'd  it  once  1  know  all  abou    ,  . 
I  had  a  diflereut  horse  when  1  met  h.m  at  Bunker-Inll, 
at  Saratoga,  at  Trenton  and  Yorktown.-Ah  the  good 
eld  horse  Buckskin-Yankee-George  could  manage  Inm, 
aye  he  knew  hhn,  there  was  no  more  dodge  to  h.m 
.ian  there  is  to  Mount  Andes  ;-these  were   golden 
days  for  the  fame  of  U.icle  Sam,  this  accursed  IrencU 
Colt  was  ..ot  hatched  then. 

Oh  fie,  your  honor  replied  the  Squire,  never  was  a 
better  beast  since  asses  ca,ne  in  fashion-full  of  mettle, 
I  have  tried  hhn  at  tilting  and  thrusting,  and  at  pursu- 
ing  a  flying  and  disarmed  foe  there  is  not  his  equal  .n 


/}.-^/ 


tfi  i 


crealion  :— and  really  sir,  if  the  contest  comes  on,  it  Is 
expected  there  will  be  little  else  to  do  than  pick  up 
stragglers  :  War  once  declared.  Bull  with  all  his  colors 
ss-iW  fly  at  the  mere  sound  of  your  name.     Your  honor's 
Lady  has  declared,  and  certainly  she  knows,  that  five 
tliousand  men  will  scour  the  whole  Counti^,  and  march 
into  Quebec.    This  she  had  from  Peter  the  fisherman, 
who  lives  on  the  borders  of  Bulls  dominions,  and  may 
be  considered  as  knowing  more  about  the  matter  than 
any  one  of  your  Honor's  family.     This  Peter  is  an  un- 
fcommon  wag,  it  was  but  lately,  when  «  he  girt  bis  Fish* 
'^s  coat  about  him,"  that  he  perceived  it  was  turned  in* 
side  out  and  perceiving  the  joke  pleased  your  Lady,  he 
has  worn  it  so  ever  since— the  surname  "  fisherman'* 
has  been  appended  to  his  name,  on  account  of  the^sA- 
ing  disposition  he  has  shewn  after  an  office,  and  if  war 
is  declared,  we  can   do  no  less  than  make  him  con* 
tractor.— Besides  we  have  the  testimony  of  the  Than* 
der  and  lightning-man,  called    by   Tom  Boston,  the 
southern  glow-worm — he  has  declared  Bull  and  all  his 
race  to  be  a  set  of  cowardly  caitiffs,  and  that  one  of 
your  free-born  soldiers  will  drive  a  thousand  of  his 
slaves.     Yea,  he  went  so  far  as  to  declare  that « if  he 
had  the  command  of  the  red  Artillery  of  Heaven,  he 
would  drive  that  fast  anchored  Isle  fi  om  its  mooringis.'' 

But  think  once  your  Honor,  what  such  a  man  would 

do  if  made  General ;— even  these  words  once  fairly  set 
in  a  proclamation,  as  we  put  the  words  *^  Genuine  Re- 
pubhcans,"  at  the  head  of  our  t lection  Bills,  my  word 
for  it,  Bull  would  faint  with  fear,  before  he  had  half 
finished  the  reading. 

Uncle  Sam  rejoined ;  I  know  that  the  steward,  Thom- 
as, and  my  Wife  have  had  great  faith  in  this  wordy 


^ 
i 


t 


i 


i 


t 


as 

amour,  they  have  learnt  this  from  Nap  ;  but  I'll  telJ 
you   Sangrado,  bet«ixt  you  and  me,  I  have  no  great 
Lth  in  sueh  nostrun.s.    True,  I  have  g.ven  up  the 
„.anagement  to  her  and  the  Chief  Steward,  a«d«ha^ 
ever  ,Ln  thev  dev.se  I  am  in  duty  bound  to  execute. 
But  I  must  insist  that  I  know  John  B«U  better  than  aU 
ofyou:  I  know  he  is  a  villainous   tyrannical  dog ,  but 
1  know  also,  that  he  is  no  coward,  and  that  when  once 
«e  get  him  into  a  comer  and  have  raised  h.s  anger  as  I 
tove  seen  it,  we  shall  want  something  besides  the  mne 
!::s  of  Speech  to  fight  him  with.  You  might  then  show 
L  a  string  of  adverbs  as  long  as  my  f;"=-'  P™^ 
in  letters,  as  large  as  mill-posts,  you  could  not  stmt  h.m 

0  wink  his  eye.  You  tell  about  Peter  the  f  German 
givl  me  no  Peter  but  salt-petre,  to  fight  Bull  w.th  and 
that  well  made  into  double  cannon  powder.  And  theu 
there's  your  Thunder  and  lightning  .pan-all  wmd,  all 
stuff.  I  teU  you,  John  Bull,  once  in  a  rage  as  I've  seen 
t£  would  ^snuff  up  an  army  of  such  fellows  at  one 
Imp  of  his  nose,  and  not  known  that  any  tlnnk  bad 
Lppened.    Besides,  my  honest  Squire,  I'll  tell  you,  ,f 

1  am  to  fight,  be  it  known,  that  Uncle  Sam  w.U  never 
have  the  reputation  of  going  to  war  with  a  coward  he 
will  never  put  on  his  armor  to  pursue  a  dastard  fugi- 
tive enemy,  and  for  this  plain  reason,  I  am  no  coward 
*'^;Z    Now  tell  my  Lady  and  the  Cine    Steward 
from  me,  if  war  with  Bull  is  determmed  on,  to  put  the 
"n  readiness,  my  boys  havepluck  they  have  the 
„atterin  them,  but  then,  they  are  to  be  taken  from 
Z  plough  and  the  shop,  they  have  not  used  the.r  arms 
for  Uurty  years,  a  little  practice  will  make  them  fine 
fellows  i  but  then  give  me  enough  of  them,  dont  send 
me  into  Canada  with  five  thousand  or  ten  thousaad, 


} 


>.    .1 


'f 


-•w 


S!-<i 


si 
9 


26 

don*t  coop  me  up  like  a  mouse  in  a  bee-liive  with  tea 
thousand  angry  devils  buzzing  about  my  ears,  block- 
ing up  the  hole  I  went  in  at  and  stinging  me  into  tor- 
ments, give  me  enough  to  see  fair  play,  and  Uncle  Sam 
will  give  the  world  a  good  account  of  himself— Uncle 
Sam  is  no  coward ;  no,  Bunker-hill  knows  that.— Aye, 
and  there's  another  thing,  see  that  the  big  guns  are  in 
readiness,  all  cleaned  and  fit  for  service.  Let  my  old 
military  suit  be  brushed  up,  and  such  articles  as  are 
wanting  in  any  part  of  my  armor,  let  them  be  supplied; 
don't  send  me  cli'in  quest  of  adventures  like  Don-Quix- 
ote with  a  j)aste-board  vizor,  give  me  my  old  Beaver, 
it  lias  weathered  the  storms  of  forty  years,  it's  the  best 
hat  now  in  Christendom.  See  that  we  have  j)lenty  of 
provisions  and  casli  for  the  expedition  ;  I  have  been 
through  one  war,  and  have  smarted  enough  for  the 
want  of  the? J  things.  Take  time  more  slowly  and 
surely,  war  is  nol  the  work  of  a  day  ;  dont  let  us  like 
ihe  brainsick  Knii^ht  of  La  Mancha,  get  three  days' 
journey  from  home  before  we  know  whether  we  want 
either  meat  or  drink.  Uncle  Sam  lives  by  eatinp^  and 
drinking. 

Softly  your  worship,  said  Sangrado,  for  I  suspect 
Tom  Boston,  is  lurking  about  us,  he  is  a  troublesome 
jjuest,  whenever  he  meets  one,  he  is  always  boring 
away  about  French  influence  and  such  nonsense; — 'But, 
to  the  purpose.  I  intreat  your  honor,  to  put  yourelf 
,  to  no  further  trouble  about  the  preparation  for  the  war, 
and  to  indulge  no  fear  for  the  issue  of  the  contest. — For 
to  tell  you  the  plain  truth,  war  has  been  for  some  time 
determined  on,  and  our  friend  Nap  has  promised  to 
give  Bull  full  employment  on  the  other  side  of  the  watef, 
so  that  he  will  be  able  to  spare  ver>'  fv^w  of  liia  men  tjo 


I 


4 


i' 


27 


4 


annoy  us  ;— We  must  keep  in  with  tliis  Nap,  for  after 
we  once  get  Bull  on  liis  baek,  we  may  want   his  assist- 
ancetoput   Tom  Boston  down.     For  in  fact  as  the 
chiefsteward  and  your  Honor's  Lady  says,  there  can 
be  no  peace  so  long  as  Bull  is  permitted  to  exercise  his 
intolerable  tyranny  on  the  big  waters,  the  great  high- 
way of  nations,  and  as  for  this  insolent   Tom   Boston 
there  is  no  end  to  his  impudence.     Let  the  decclaration 
once  come   out   and  we'll  soon   put  to  silence  all  his 
noise  about  Ficnch  innuence— and  Frcncii  Spoliations. 
Hold  hold  said  Uncle  Sam,  I'll  have  no  quarrelling  in 
my  family.     I  know  Tom  is  a  self  sufficient  fellow,  but 
he  knows  his  place,  he  acted  his  part  well  formerly, 
he'll  not  interrupt  our  business ;  let  there  be  no  quarrel- 
ing i..  the  family  I  say,  for  if  war  is  once  on,   we  shall 
need  all  our  strengtii ;  besides  John  Bull  is  too  strong  for 
us  on  the  water,  and  we  nuist  depend  entirely  on  T^m 
Boston  to  handle  him   there.     Aye  I  know  Tom,  he 
understands  handling  an  oar  and  pointing  a  gun,  only 
give  him  the  same   weight  of  metal  that   Bull  carries 
and  he'll  send  all  his   s'nips  to  the  Devil.— I  say  let  u$ 
have  peace  in  the  family.     Tom  is  a  little  waspish  just 
now— he  has  been  deprived  for  some  time  past  of  his 
accustomed  trade  at  sea,  be  a  little  softly,  he  complains 
of  Nap,  and  not  without  some  reason,  for  that  Corsicaii 
puppy  has  used  us  but  scurvily  to  tell  the  truth— he 
has  taken  and  burnt  our  ships,  imi)risoned  our  Sailorti, 
and  sequestered  the  property  of  our   Merchants,  and 
we  have  not  made  half  the   noise  about  the  whole, 
that  we  did  about  Bull's  attack  on  the  Chesapeake.— 
But  once  more  to  the  purpose,  how  are  our  harbors  t» 
be  defended  ?  I  wish   now  we  had  those   ships  which 
(hat  Philosophic  Steward  of  m;ne,  sold  to  raise  raoii- 


^ 


2S 


ii 


fi 


■i  i 


\  i 


ty  to  buy  popularity  with,  IM  ratlier  have  ione  good 
heavy  frigsite  than  all  the  jack-o-luntorn  popularity  in 
the  world  to  go  to  war  with  ;  good  strorg  heavy  can- 
non thunder,  Sangrado,  that's  the  best  thing  to  meet 
John  Bull  with,  none  of  your  paltry  gun  Boats,  for  har- 
bor defence,  the  breath  of  a  Seventy-four  will  blow 
them  all  to  the  devil.  Ah,  we've  philosophized  too 
much,  and  what  does  it  all  amount  to  ?  Philosophy 
never  warmed  a  cold  limb,  or  filled  a  gaunt  belly.  I 
like  something  more  practical ;  the  best  way  to  reason 
with  an  unreasonable  being,  is  to  meet  him  with  sword 
in  one  hand  and  a  club  in  the  other,  so  that  if  you 
cannot  run  him  through,  you  may  knock  him  down. 
Well,  Sangrado,  give  my  love  to  my  Lady,  tell 
her  not  to  be  too  intimate  with  Jacques — I  shall  keep 
a  sharp  look  out  for  them — Tell  them  I'll  be  ready — Tell 
them  I'm  wide  awake,  Uncle  Sam  will  never  be  causht 
napping  — Bring  me  a  glass  of  Whiskey  boy.  When 
common  sense  points  her  finger,  fools  run  the  wrong 
way.  A  plague  oh  all  cowards !  Bring  me  a  glajfs  of 
Whiske,^  .' 


hM. 


^ 


CHAPTER  IV 


-amBBOLB   ArrAIRS-SlTUATION  OF   THE    STRONS    BOX- 
SINGULAK   EXPEDIENT   TO   BEPLEMS.I    IT      CO 
BETWEEN  THE  CHIEF  STEWAKD  AND   UNCI.E    SAM  S  WIFE 
lZLr..r   BETWEEN   MADAM    SAM  AND  TOM  .OSTO^^ 

Sancrado  Whose  omcc  and  duly  it  was  to  feel  of  the 
pulse  of  Uncle  Snni,  an,l  carry  messages  anc   c^    , 
nnneihately  repaired  to  the  "---"•";'"'  "'cirf 
ered  the  result  of  his  embassy,  where  he  ^r'^'^^t 
Steward  in  close  conference  with  Uncle  ^""^^^^^ 
the  great  drawing  room.-Madam  "PP-f  >"  ^f/, ',    f^ 
out  of  humor  at  the  hearing  some  part  of  U nee  S.  u s 
remarks,and  the  subject  of  conversation  when  the  Samre 
ITered  bein?  chiefly  domestic,  her  Ladyslnp  remarked 
^te  great  dining  table  which,  origindly  cons.tedo 
to-teenUwas  out  of  order,  notwitl.landn.g  U  had 
te  "epai=red  at  different  tin>es,  it  did  not  stand  love 
on  the'noor.    That  even  now  when  the  servants  were 
b,.i„,ing  on  and  carrying  off  dishes,  an  acc,Jen..J  ,  .ow 
toura  frequently  give  it  such  a  tilt,  as  to  sha  CO       .. 

dishes  and  spill  the  gravy  on  the  guesls..  A„d  ^If.o 
teaMUio,Ll  legs  had  been  addo.l  to  „,  r    d.,eren 
times,  the  vicious  propensity  of  the  tlung,  s  ,11  contnm- 
e    Ixhey  l,ad  discovered  indeed,  ,hni«g  the  slewarc.- 
S    p  of  George,  that  a  large  foreign  Dog,  of  tl,e  Gene- 
van  breed,  had  got  under  the  table,  and  gave  ,t  such  a 
td   as  nea  iv  to  upset  it,  and  broke  many  ot  the  d, she. 
But  this  wa;  not  the  cause  of  its  frequent  jos.lmg,  to 
,W  dog  had  been  taken  into  the  kitchen  and  fed  an* 

4 


% 


so 


t 


i 


t 


had  grown  to  such  a  size  tliat,  he  could  not  in  his  pre- 
sent state,  contract  his  hmbs  so  as  to  get  under  the  table 
without  much  trouble.  The  Chief  Steward  was  for  hav- 
ing it  altered,  in  totOy  and  instead  of  eighteen  legs,  have 
but  one.  Or  bring  it  to  a  kind  of  tripod  in  imitation  of 
John  Bulls  dining  table.  Her  Ladyship  objected  strongly 
to  this,  for  she  said  she  knew  her  husbands  disposition 
so  well  that  she  was  sure  he  would  knock  out  the  brains 
of  any  Cabinet  Maker  who  should  attempt  such  an 
alteration.  Jacques  replied  that  in  his  opinion  the 
amendment  was  practicable,  for  let  Uncle  Sam  only  be 
sent  off  into  the  army  it  could  be  done  in  a  trice  while 
lie  was  absent,  and  that  if  once  done  he  was  sure  he 
would  be  pleased  with  it.  ButiVIadam  declared  that  she 
knew  his  humor  so  well,  that  he  would  never  eat  off  of 
it  again,  that  Uncle  Sam  had  always  imputed  the  fault 
to  the  inequalities  in  the  Jloor,  and  that  he  would  never 
submit  to  any  alteration  in  the  Table,  for  she  liad  fre- 
quently heard  him  boast  of  the  number  of  its  supporters, 
and  complain  bitterly  of  the  unequal  surface  of  the 
foundation  on  which  it  rested.  But  upon  the  entrance 
of  the  squire  this  desultory  conversation,  yielded  to 
matters  of  higher  moment. 

War  with  Bull  had  been  determined  on,  and  the  mind 
of  Uncle  Sam  had  been  wrought  up  in  some  measure  to 
the  occasion.  Sangrado,  to  be  sure  put  the  best  face  on 
that  part  of  the  message  which  related  to  the  pulse  of 
his  master,  because  he  knew  very  well  what  suited  Jac- 
ques, and  her  Ladyship. 

The  subject  of  the  Strong  box  came  now  under  con- 
sideration. The  Large  Genevan  Cur,  above  mentioned 
had  been  trained  and  employed  to  watch  it.  And  so 
extremely  docile  was  he,  diuiag  the  period  of  his  p^ppy- 


.    T    . 


t 


31 


t 


hood,  that  Ins  masters  taught  him  to  bark  once  a  year 
ill  token  of  liis  fidelity  and  success  in  guarding  the  Strong 
box.     And  some  went  so  far  as  even  to  affirm  that  the 
Cur  gave  as  many  distinct  yelps,  as  there  were  dollars  hi 
the  Strong  box.    It  was  found  on  examination  that  more 
Cash  would  be  wanted  than  could  be  gathered  in  the 
ordinary  way.     It  was  settled  between  the  Chief  Stew- 
ard and  Madam,  that  Uncle  Sam  should  have  a  large 
bundle  of  Notes  struck  off  at  interest  which  he  should 
sign  at  his  leisure.      These  should  bear  interest,  and 
should  be  considered  in  all  respects,  as  shadowing  forth 
so  much  real  Cash,  as  they  imputed  by  their  denomina- 
tion respectively ;  and  should  as  usual  promise  to  pay, 
at  some  given  future  period.     This  they  both  agreed, 
would  meet  all  the  purposes  of  so  much  real  treasure. 
But  Cov  form's  sake,  it  was  judged  best  to  have  the  matter 
debated  before  the  ?/hole  family.     The  matter  being 
laid  before  the  household  her  Ladyship  introduced  the 
subject,  and  ytated  the  advantages  of  the  scheme.    She 
expatiated  at  length,  on  the  facility  vvUJj  wl^iich  this  kind 
of  money  could  be  carried  and  itansix)rted.     She  main- 
tained that  being  compressible  into  a  small  body,  it  was 
less  liable  than  any  other  money  to  the  depredation  of 
thieves  and  free  booto'^i.     Tlitii  (Jold  and  Silver  were 
ponderous,  and  no  man  could  carry  any  quantity  about 
him  without  creating  suspicion,  holding  out  a  temptation 
to  the  crafty,  designing  and  knavish.    That  a  man  might 
carry  any  given  quantity  of  these  notes  about  him, 
walk  as  light  as  a  puppet  and  appear  as  tho'  he  was  not 
worth  a  stiver.    That  no  one  could  possibly  object  to 
receive  the  paper,  Uncle  Sam's  responsibility  being  so 
well  known ;  consequently  any  tender  law  would  be  to- 
♦ftUV  unnecessary,  for  like  weli-brew'd  ale,  it  would  «;orR 


t.  i. 


f' 


32 

iiself  into  circulation  and  credit.    And  this  species  of 
Currency,  added  her  Ladyship,  accords  well  with  the 
genius  of  the  family  government ;  as  these  notes  may 
be  very  pertinently  termed  the  representatives  of  specie, 
so  our  government  is  often  called  representative.     A 
general  nod  of  assent,,  was  expressed  by  the  Noddles  who 
sat  around  the  room  at  the  conclusion  of  this  harrangue 
of  her  Ladyship,  but  Tom  Boston,  who  happened  to  be 
present,  and  was  in  the  haljit  of  being  heard  on  such 
occasions,  was  "observed  to  look  rather  sour,  while  Mad- 
am was  delivering  her  speech,  and,  when  her  Ladyship 
had  finished,  rose  and  made  a  few  observations  in  reply. 
"  I  imagine,  said  he  that  this  mode  of  supplying  the 
Strong  box,  will  not  be  found,  on  experiment,  to  have  all 
the  advantages,  which  tliis  plausible  theory  seems  *o 
promise;  nay  this  mode  of  creating  money,  if  not  pro- 
jscrly  managed,  may  produce  great  inconvenience,  and 
mischief.     It  will  be  recelA  ed  for  a  while,  perhaps,  with- 
out much  difficulty ;  but  it  is  idle  to  think  of  giving  it  a 
permanent  currency  to  any  considerable  amount,  upoii 
the  mere  general  reputation  of  Uncle  Sam's  responsi- 
bility.  For  altho'  this  kind  of  paper  has  frequently  been 
made  to  answer  the  most  ordinary  and  important  pur- 
poses of  Coin,  it  never  can  establish  iiself  permanently 
without  Iiaving  the  precious  Metals  to  back  it,  and  for 
the  basis  on  which  it  rests.     It  is  not  sufiicient  that  a 
man  is  worth  the  'full  amount,  or  double,  or  treble  for 
which  he  gives  his  paper.     For  all  property  excepting 
the  precious  metals,  is  subject  to  change,  and  liable  from 
a  thousand  causes  beyond  the  control  of  the  most  dis- 
cerning, to  lessen,  or  depreciate.   Neither  is  it  sufficient 
tint  a  man  is  able  to  take  up  his  paper,  and  give  a  solid 
consideration,  but  the  fund  which  comtitutes  his  nUans^ 


h\ 


S8 


must  be  so  managed  as  to  afford  a  facility  of  meeting 
his  engagements,  at  all  times,  and  that  without  any  loss 
to  those  who  hold  his  paper :  and  it  is  further  quite  ma- 
terial,  that  his  fund,  as  well  as  the  Stconina^  on  which 
depends  its  occasional  repletion,  should  be  so  conducted 
and  secured  as  to  place  both  as  much  as  possible  beyond 
the  reach  of  contingency.     Now  if  Uncle  Sam  issues 
these  notes,  some  portion  of  tlie  revenue,  whicli  is  least 
liable  to  ])e  aflected  by  any  changes  that  can  liappen, 
must  be  pledged  for  their  payment  or  redemption.— If, 
as  I  hear  it  whispered,  we  are  about  to  have  a  contest 
with  Bull,  his  su])eriority  on  the  great  waters  will  enable 
him  to  sweep  our  Commerce  from  the  Ocean.     There- 
fore to  base  your  Notes  on  tlie  revenue  to  be  derived 
from  commerce,  would  be  the  lieight  of  presumption. 
You  must  resort  to  taxes,  Uncle  Sam  nuist  pUice  hi? 
independent  fcumers  between  his  notes,  and  that  de- 
struction which  would  otherwise  be  inevitable.     Pursue 
a  different  course,  and  you  will  shortly  see.  your  notes 
advertised  with  the  prices  current  annexed,  like  other 
vendible  property;  tlie  substantiated  metals  will  be  tlie 
standard,  by  which  the  relative  vahie  will  be  rated,  and 
the  fate  of  the  continental  money  of  the  revolution,  will 
be  the  fate  of  this.     It  will  be  in  the  end  like  the  manna 
that  fell  in  the  wilderness,  ^''  He  that  gathered  much  had 
nothing  over,  and  he  that  gathered  little  had  enough.-* 
I  have  no  expectation,  however,  that  any  thing  that  I 
have  said  or  can  say,  will  be  regarded,  this  is  not  the 
place  where  important  measures  are  projected,  or  de- 
cided on,  in  any  other  way  than  by  mere  form,-what  I 
have  sulci  is  the  result  of  my  feelings  and  the  motise 
which  prompted  me,  a  sense  of  duty.^' 

4* 


J. 


*f 


.^  L'** 


■f- 


i 


I 


84 

At  the  close  of  these  remarks,  her  Ladyship  took  a 
huge  pinch  of  Rappee,  rung  for  a  servant  and  asked  if 
diinier  was  ready  ?  being  answered  hi  the  affirmative, 
the  conference  broke  up,  but  it  was  evident  that  her 
Highness  did  not  rehsh  tiie  sentiments  of  Tom,  niucli 
less  the  boldness  with  which  they  were  expressed.  Some 
of  the  servants  wondered  at  the  impudence  of  tlie  fel- 
low, and  one  in  particular  was  heard  to  say,  in  a  low 
voice  that  he  ought  to  be  civilly  kicked  out  of  the  din- 
ing-room. 

The  cloth  being  removed  the  Chief  Steward  requested 
a  closet  interview  with  her  Ladysiiip  on  business  of  im- 
portance.    Jacques   staled   that  Uncle  Sam   nuist  be 
managed  in  this  business  witli  proper  address,  tliat  he 
had  been  listening  beliind  tiie  door  and  iieard  the  inso- 
lent language  of  Tom  Boston.     Now  said  he  with  the 
regard  to  the  substantial  means  Tom  is  right  5  the  course 
he  has  pointed  out  must  ])e  tlie  one,  we  must  finally  pur- 
sue: but  the  present  is  not  the  time.     Events  must  be 
ripeiied  for  the  crisis.     Thomas  the  wise,  has  said  much 
against  taxes,  and  L^ncle  Sam  has  been  wonderfully 
pleased  with  the  doctrine.     You  know,  my  Dear,  we  put 
old  John  Braiiitiee  out  of  office  by  decrying  his  lax  and 
navy  sy stems.     We  must  be  a  litlle  softly  about  this,  we 
must  use  policy.     Let  the  contest  be  brought  on  inimedi- 
aiely.     TJtls  will  set  the  family  in  agitation,  then  we  can 
oao-  this  Yankee  scoundrel,  and  keep  him  from  fdling 
the  ear  of  your  beloved  Spouse  with  his  hypocliomUiac 
stuff,  and  if  lie  will  not  assist,  at  least  make  l.iip  passive- 
It'  neutral.     The  same  reason  should  api)ly  with  regard 
10  the  forces  to  carry  on  the  contest.     You  know  how  ' 
much  we  all  cried  out  against  John  for  raisini;  an  army 
without  any  occasioH.     There  was  no  warj  we  told 

i 


^ 


85 


Uncle  Sam,  that  John  had  some  evil  design  against  his 
possessions : — the  old  Gentleman's  choler  was  inflamed  ; 
we  raised  (he  Devil  about  John's  ears,  he  was  glad  to 
get  out  of  the  way,  and  l)y  the  same  means  we  drove 
Uncle  Sam's  former  wife  out  of  the  house  and  then  post- 
ed her  as  the  saying  is  as  "  Eloped  from  bed  and  Board." 
Whether  these  means  were  right  or  wrong,  we  were 
obliged  to  have  recourse  to  them,  at  the  time,  in  order 
to  get  possession  of  the  places  we  now  enjoy.     We  must 
go  to  war  in  some  measure  unprepared.     We  are  placed 
in  this  sorry  predicament,  but  we  must  work  our  way- 
out  of  it,  in  the  best  manner  we  can.     Bring  on  the 
contest,  and  then,  we  can  enlist  men,  and  it  is  not  such 
a  very  groat  number  that  we  shall  want.     I  should  be 
glaJ,  indeed,  if  we  were  well  out  of  this  cursed  scrape, 
—but  I  don't  see  how,— we  have  said  so  much  against 
Bull,  and  battered  him  so  much  with  our  tongues,  in 
order  to  indanio  your  Husband  against  that  cursed  rogue 
Tom  Boston,  that  we  can't  very  easily  back  out.     We 
have  borne  so  many  kicks  from  Nap  that  he  completely 
despise^  us,  however  this  we  can  bear  with,  and  Bull  has 
giown  .o  intolerably  msolent,  that  he  cares  no  more  for 
a  proclamation  than  he  does  for  a  pr.per  rag.     And 
th'-re's  that    Dexlish  Tom  Boston  would  rib   roast  us 
eternally  if  we  should  give  back  now.     A  bad— a  bad 
scrape,  1  wish  we  were  well  through  it.     But  above  «m11, 
we  have  been  blowing  the  coals  under  Uncle  Sam,  until 
we  have  het  him  <'  hissing  hot."     We  have  been  heating 
him  for  these  ten  years,  if  we  should  flincli  now  we 
should  be  put  out  of  our  places  faster  than   we  ever 

came  into  tlieiu. An  unlucky  scrape,  I  wish  we  were 

out  of  it> 


I; 


^ 


ill 


86 

Madam  heard  the  Chief  Steward  with  a  great  variety 
of  emotions ;  whenever  he  came  to  a  pause,  she  gulped 
the  hot  wind  from  her  stomach  Hke  a  steam  engine,  and 
when  he  had  finished  his  remarks,  she  replied. 

I  have  had  the  same  opinion  with  regard  to  most 
things ;  the  humor  of  Uncle  Sam  must,  as  you  say,  be 
Studied  and  managed.  But  we  must  not  carry  the  joke 
too  far ;  we  have  in  many  instances  put  his  faith  to  a 
severe  trial.  When  you  declared  the  Berlm  and  Milan 
decrees  revoked,  the  old  gentleman  had  to  muster  all 
his  credulity  to  swallow  the  declaration.  Nap  dealt  us 
rather  a  hard  measure,  when  he  required  of  us  to  make 
the  world  believe  what  he  could  make  nobody  believe, 
that  he  believed  himself.  However,  we  have  but  one 
course  to  pursue,  the  more  the  thing  is  denied,  so  much 
the  more  strongly  we  must  assert  it  to  be  true.  This 
was  the  plan  Thomas  pursued,  and  alwf,ys  succeeded. 

Another  thing  lias  been  rather  liard  for  Uncle  Sam 
to  swallow,  the  John  Henry  business.  A  pretty  round 
sum,  to  pay  for  nothing.  A  scurvy  fellow,  that  Henry, 
nothing  but  a  take  in ;  we  must  look  out  for  such  char- 
acters. A  mere  political  swindler.  Aye  and  what  pro- 
vokes me  still  more,  the  cursed  Yankees  laiigli  m  the 
sleeve,  and  even  throw  it  in  our  teeth,  and  when  the 
scurvy  fellows  are  reprimanded  for  tlieir  insolence,  they 
turn  up  their  faces  and  reply,  You  taught  us  to  be  saucy 
when  you  repealed  the  Sedition  Law. 

It  is  furthermore  not  a  little  unfortunate  for  us  tliat 
Thomas  the  wise  before  he  left  the  Stewardship  boasted 
that  he  had  so  much  money,  we  shall  find  httle  enough 
before  we  get  through  this  scrape.  This  was  the  weak 
side  of  this  great  man,  he  loved  popularity  to  distrac- 


M 


M 


4 


f 


87 

tion,  and  nothing  suits  these  large  Landholders  so  mucli 
as  to  be  accounted  rich.  But  it  is  ever  the  part  of  a 
prudent  husband  to  be  modest  in  speaking  of  his  wealth, 
that  he  may  Eot  provoke  tlie  cupidity  ©f  tke  dwga- 


\ 


.«9 


wMuapi^w>.i"""'i" 


If 


CHAPTER  V. 

AW  UNACCOUNTABLE  BUSTLE  ABOUT  THE  GREAT  WIGWAM 
—WONDERFUL     APPEARANCES— APPOINTMENT     OP     BA- 

•  IIHAWS  AND  PACHAS-COUNT  SCRATCH-US-OrF^S  EXPEDI- 
TION-SANGRADO  IU5AD3  THE  DECLARATION  OF  WAR  TO 
UNCLE  SAM* 

Now  war,  with  all  its  horrors  began  to  stalk  before 
the  ranfied  imaginations  of  the  knowing  ones  as  they 
collected  spontaneously  about  the  great  Wigwam,  when 
the  Starred  and  striped  en.i-n  waved  in  party-colored 
splendor ;  and  Chiefs  of  high  renown  came  forward  with 
their  pretensions  to  some  distinguished  post  of  honor  m 
the  service  of  Uncle  Sam,  each  to  receive  the  nch  re- 
ward  of  those  faithful  and  glorious  services,  not  which 
he  hud  rendered  ;  but  which  he  was  ready,  under  oath, 
to  promise  for  value  received,  that  he  wmdd  render  sixty 
or  ninety  days  after  date,  to  that  Country  which  had 
been  the  cradle  of  his  birth,  the  nurse  of  his  infancy, 
and  was  about  to  be  the  witness  of  his  deeds  of  fame  ;- 
to  that  beloved  parent  Uncle  Sam,  who  had  so  often 
dandled  him  on  his  knee  and  filled  his  dish  with  horn- 
miny  in  his  boyish  days,  watched  with  paternal  vigilance 
over  the  sinuous  wanderings  of  his  riper  years,  and  be- 
Stowed  on  him  the  rich  inheritance  of  freedom  !  It  was 
indeed  a  most  sublime  and  affecting  spectacle  !  enough 
to  melt  a  firkin  of  Boston  butter,  in  the  midst  of  June, 
(for  it  was  about  this  time,)  at  sight  of  such  hallowed 
patriotism.    It  was  a  sight,  which  a  philosoj^er  might 
contemplate  with  petrified  amazement,  which  Old  Homer 


<t€ 


«9 

■light  gaze  at  with  poetic  rapture,  and  which  Bunyau 
himselt*  miglit  view  with  Hudibrastic  fidgets. 

Here  you^  might  see  the  aged  Hero  who  had  led  up 
the  dance  at  twenty  annual  elections,  oflering  to  prove 
his  claims  to  preferment,  and  boasting  with  what  fear- 
less  constancy  he  had  set  the  Electioneering  battle  in 
array— There  you  might  behold  the  pert  sleek-booted 
Jockey,  declaring  he  could  buy  horses  for  the  service 
of  his  liege  Uncle  better  than  any  other  man  hving. 
Also  the  swag-bellied  Butcher,  importuning  for  the  of- 
fice of  Contractor.     But  what  much  surprised  all,  was 
the  disinterested  patriotism  of  some  Newgr.te  Emanci- 
pees,  and  Tipperary  lads  vociferating  loudly  for  the  un- 
spake-able  honor  of  having  an  opportunity  of  laying 
down  their  precious  lives  for  their  dear  native  America. 
And  wliat  was  still  more  remarkable,  tliose  who  from 
beyond  seas,  had  fled  from  justice,   and  had  been  sold 
for  tlieir  passage,  were  seen  to  ofler  the  compound  obla- 
tion of  their  lives,  forlunes  and  sacred  honor.     Still  as 
you  looked  and  wondered,  the  multitude  increased  and 
as  they  multiplied,  the  iieat  of  tlieir  valor  was  augment- 
ed an  hundred  fold.     Direful  on  that  day  was  tlie  meas- 
ure of  wordy  vengeance  dealt  out  to  John  Bull.     His 
horns  were  to  be  knocked  off,  not  a  hair  was  to  be  left 
standing  on  his  callous  hide,  and  then  horrible  to  tell ! 
he  was  to  be  flayed  alive  and  to  be  diveslcd  of  the  pos- 
terior dignity  of  a  tail  and  to  be  driven,  in  this  piteous 
eostume,  around  the  wigwam,  as  a  trophy  of  patriotic 
vengeance,   to   frighten  wicked  children  and   for  the 
amusement  of  the  Ladies.     Nor  were  the  calamities  of 
the  evil-starM  Bull  to  stop  here.     His  dominions  on  this 
side  the  water  were  to  be  taken  and  sold  to  pay  the  ex- 
pense of  "  tanning  his  hide,"  as  it  was  called.    Hiif 


t^' 


■I 


40 

«aowlields  his  Beaver  and  skunk-establishments  and  his 
Grind-stone  founderies  were  to  be  knocked  down  by  the 
hammer. 

So  great,  and  greatly  confused  was  the  noise,  that  old 
Potomac,  altho^  then  brmgliig  jn  a  full  tide  with  a  strong 
^nid,  ordered  it  to  Iialtj  and  perform  quarantine  befoie 
the  wigwam,  for  half  an  hour.     And  the  terrified  genius 
of  Goose  Creek,  shot  up  her  goosy  neck,  a  cables  length, 
from  the  mud,  to  listen  to  the  horrific  concert  of  so  many 
Babylonian  throats.     And  it  is  said  that  the  wind  for 
sonjc  time  was  so  variable,  from  the  alternate  vibration 
of  noise,  and  tlic  rebounding  of  its  sister  echo,  that  she 
knew  not  for  some  time,  which  wa\  to  hiy  her  feathers. 
But  those  who  stood  at  a  suitable  distance  could  plain- 
ly perceive  that  the  noise  after  a  v,  hile  gradually  wore 
away  and  sulisided,  the  crowd  scattered  and  dsi)ersed, 
and  througii  a  spy  glfiss,  i.inumerable  empty  Gin  Kegs 
and  Whiskey   Barrels  were  seen  piled  up  before  tiie 
wigv/am.     But  such  observers  as  were  on  the   ground 
declared,  that  aUhough  the  crowd  disappeared,  tliey 
could  perceive  no  abatement  of  the  noise  wliile  they 
remained  on  it. 

This  circumstance  has  been  philosophically  if  not  sai- 
isfactorihj  accounted  for  by  my  learned  Uncle  Zachary, 
who  says  that  by  the  unceasing  action  of  sound  ihc 
imm  and  corn/an  of  the  ear,  were  so  woi-n  away  by 
constant  attrition,  that  as  the  noise  subsided,  tlie  ear 
grew  thin  and  more  sensible  to  the  action  of  sound. 
And  he  moreover  declares,  upon  the  honor  of  a  fealher- 
pedler,  that  walking  over  the  ground  the  next  day,  he 
actually  picked  up  lifty  pairs  of  ears,  which  had  either 
been  thrown  away  as  useless,  or  stormed  off  by  the  din. 


W 


41 


he 


In  addition  to  this  mnny  dead  fish  Nvere  seen  Iv  iug  on 
their  beams  end  on  the  Potomac,  and  floating  down  the 
stream  killed  no  doubt  by  the  heavy  peals  of  arial  pat- 
riotism which  flew  up  to  the  skies,  and  striking  against 
the  elastic  shell  of  the  blue  expanse,  rebounded  and  fell 
with  terrible  force  upon  the  water. 

The  frogs  in  Goose  Creek,  lost  their  senses,  and  for 
some  days,  croaked  without  measure,  or  occasion. 
Thus  far  with  a  faithful  record  of  facts  ,•  it  becomes  us 
now  as  faithful  historians  to  notice  some  strange  events, 
which  aUhough  not  without  precedent  in  the  records  oi" 
other  nations  were  considered  as  the  harbingers  of 
some  awful  calamity.  We  mention  thc'n  upon  the 
mere  strength  of  hear-say,  and  do  not  vouch  for  their 
authenticity.  H  was  reported  that  the  Cocks  in  the 
farm-yards  crowed  at  sunset.,  that  the  felire  race,  the 
cats,  were  affected  with  a  strange  frisking  sensation,  and 
ran  up  apple-trees  stern  foremost,  and  that  that  boorish 
animal  the  hog  would  point  his  bowsprit  with  a  gunners 
pi-ecision,  at  the  full  moon,  in  uno  ohtulu  for  half  an 
hour,  serenading  her  full  orbed  Majesty  of  the  evening, 
as  she  made  her  debut  from  the  chambers  of  tlie  East, 
in  plaintive  and  pigg'sh  strains.  But  as  a  certain  learn- 
ed brother  historian  hath  said,  "  We  return  from  this 
digression  to  resume  the  thread  of  our  history.'' 

It  soon  appeared  that  the  bustle  about  the  great  Wig- 
wam was  something  of  greater  import  than  a  "  fitful 
farce,"  for  on  the  third  day  after,  there  appeared  issuing 
from  that  renowned  hive  of  pohtical  and  military  wis- 
dom, a  host  of  worthies,  commissioned,  epaulcttcd,  boot- 
ed, whiskered  and  perfumed,  for  the  mighty  contest. 

And  now,  O  for  all  the  mouths  of  Hydra  to  recount — 
tke  hands  of  Briareus — the  quills  of  half  the  geese  iit 

5 


r 


% 


42  ■  ^ 

CIiristeiidom--and  tlie  expedition  of  a  hand-bill  scribe 
to  record  their  names ;  and  above  all,  for  the  muignui- 
tion  of  Homer,  to  pamt  their  various  virtues  and  claims 
to  endless  renown.  There  first  we  beheld,  as  chief 
Bashaw,  captain  Pacha,  and  field-marshal,  the  great 
Dearbrosky,  close  on  his  spurs,  followed  Counts  Smoke- 
iis-oft;  Bloom-hofi",  Scratch-us-off",  Tan-us-off,  Admiral 
Smyte-us-ofi",  Wind-oli,  Maccoby,  Lewskoy,  and  a  nu- 
merous retinue  of  attending  offs,  and  hoffs,  and  scoffs, 
and  rufis,  and  scufis  ;  and  boys,  and  scoys,  even  whose 
hard  names  time  and  lungs  would  fail  me  to  pronounce, 
even  had  I  the  brazen  throat  of  Stcntor. 

Meanwhile  there  was  such  a  fever  for  conquest  ex- 
fcited  by  so  much  patriotic  puffing  and  blowing,  that  the 
Chief  Steward  and  Madamdeteimned  to  make  one  bold 
push,  and  accordingly  they  dispatched  Field-marshal 
Count  Scratch-us-ofl",  with  a  body  of  about  two  thousand 
men,  a  long  way  through  the  wilderness,  to  seize  the 
possessions  of  Bull,  at  a  place  called  Sandwich.     This 
was  called  « taking  the  Bull  by  the  tail,"  before  he  could 
liave  any  hint  of  what  was  passing.     He  was  directed 
to  make  a  most  powerful  and  flaming  proclamation,  and 
ex  more,  according  to  custom,  to  do  as  much  wordy  ex- 
ecution as  possible.    This  part  of  his  commission,  the 
vahant  warrior  did  not  fail  to  fulfil,  for  being  brought  up 
and  instructed  by  Uncle  Sam's  present  wife,  nay,  being 
born  of  her,  he  inherited,  in  exuberant  profusion  all  the 
windy  excellencies  of  his  accomplished  mother.    He 
therefore  without  taking  overmuch  thought  for  futurity, 
advanced  by  forced  marches,  to  reach  the  object  of  his 
destination,  the  certain  goal  of  his  fame.    The  Chief 
Steward  promised  to  supply  all  his  wants—Madam  as- 
sured he  wovUd  have  little  te  do  bwt  to  show  himself^ 


r" 


i 


43 

and  his  enemies  would  fly  before  him,  like  the  timorous 
^heep  from  the  redoubtable  prowess  of  the  celebrated 
Don  Quixote.     A  few  days  provisions  were  enough. 
Cannon  were  unnecessary,  since  their  ofiice  could  be 
so  ably  supplied  by  the  tremendous  roar  of  a  proclama- 
tion.   The  Field  marshal  advanced,  crossed  the  Rubicon, 
and  published  his  proclamation  in  the  following  words  :— 
People  of  Snowfields ! 
After  thirty  years'  peace,  Uncle  Sam  has  been  driven 
to  take  the  Bull  by  the  horns.     He  swears  vengeance 
for  the  wrongs  and  insults  he  has  received— The  troops 
inider  my  command  are  sufficient  to  execute  that  ven- 
geance ;  and  what  I  have  are  no  more  than  a  whortle- 

]joiry compared  with   what  are  to  follow,     i 

come  to  find  Bullites,  not  to  make  them,  I  come  to  nurse, 
not  to  flog  you.— The  wide  ocean  is  between  you  and 
your  cruel  master,  you  have  felt  the  switching  of  i\h 
tail  and  the  buttings  of  his  horns ;  yet  I  do  not  ask  you 
to  cut  off  the  one  nor  blunt  the  other.     Uncle  Sam  ib 
able  to  provide  for  all  your  wants.     I  offer  you  the  in- 
valuable  privilege  of  "  managing  your  own  aflairs,  in 
your  own  way."    I  offer  you  the  same  liberty  that  Un- 
cle Sam,  and  all  his  family  enjoy.     Many  of  your  fiither.^ 
fofight  your  inhuman  master  in  defence  of  tiie  inheri- 
tance of  Uncle  Sam,  so  that  we  ought  to  ))e  viewed  by 
you,  as  friends  and  not  as  enemies.     I  want  none  of  your 
help  ;  keep  at  home.     If  you  offer  yom*  service,  I  wi!! 
accept  it.     Woe  be  to  you  if  yo;i  take  arius  against  me. 
But  let  me  warn  you  against  one  thing.     Do  not  arni 
these  cursed  savage  Wampums  against  us,,  blood  and 
vengeance  betide  ye  if  ye  do.      This  wiw  v.  iil   (lieu 
change,  from  a  war  of  conquest,  to  a  war  o£  iiprootijica.- 
iioiu    No  Bullite,  found  fighting  by  tlie  side  of  u  ivnmr," 


k 


44 


\i 


ant  uill  be  taken  prisoner.  IC  reason  will  not  inspire 
you  with  a  sense  ol'  ,iu<?tice  Til  flog  it  into  you.  Uncle 
i^ni  offers  you  Liberi;  i  id  peace,  and  as  nuicli  happi- 
ness as  you  can  stagger  underl  You  are  left  to  your 
own  free  will  to  choose  safety  or  perdition,  freedom  or 
tetters,  do  as  you  please  then,  but  do  as  I  bid  j'ou. 

We  are  now  obliged  by  tlie  most  unwelcome  necessity, 
of  leaving  for  a  while  this  heroic  adventurer,  and  to  turn 
©ur  attention  to  Uncle  Sam.  Saiigrado,  as  his  duty 
was,  had  been  dispatched  to  him  lo  make  known  to  him 
the  declaration  of  war,  or  in  other  words  to  furnish  him 
with  a  fist  full  of  reasons,  and  teach  his  lips  the  why  and 
the  ivherefore,  he  ought  to  make  himself  very  angry  Avith 
John  Bull. 

The  Squire  found  his  patron,  wide  awake,  and  fully 
prepared  to  Usten,  for  he  had  heard  the  uproar  and 
noise  from  the  Wigwam,  and  guessed  the  time  was  big 
with  some  weighty  event.  Sangrado  approached  liira 
with  an  air  of  the  most  profound  wisdom,  and  almost 
breathless  said.  Sir,  your  honor.  Your  Honor's  Lady, 

and  the  Chief  Stevv  ard- send  their  best  love  to  you  ; — 

Let  the  love  le,  said  Uncle  Sam.  I  don't  want  to  hear  it, 
for  these  kissing  messages  I  find  are  nothing  more  nor 
less  than  a  preface  to  some  fresh  claim  on  my  patience. 
V  declaration  of  war  I  suppose  they  send,  continued  my 
Uncle.  Nothing  less  replied  the  Squire,  and  by  your 
Honor's  permission  I  will  read  it.  Begin  said  Uncle 
Sam  and  read  slowly. 

''  The  experience  of  many  years  of  the  injustice  cru- 
elty and  intolerable  tyranny  of  John  Bull,  moreover  his 
ticachery,  and  his  meanness,  and  his  perfidy,  outraging 
every  right,  civil,  moral,  natural,  social  and  religious, 
disregarding  every  principle  of  honor,  impartiality,  jus- 


^N^^MViiMffiS 


Bil|iiiii"i>" 


45 

tice  and  humanity,  exemplified  in  so  many  acts  of  out- 
rage violence  and  oppression  for  so  many  years,  in 
despite  of  all  the  remonstrances,  warnings,  expostula- 
tions and  intreaties  shewing  the  justice,  the  fairness,  the 
equity  the  impartiality  the  reasonableness  of  our  claims" 
—Hold,  hold,  Sangrado,  said  my  Uncle,  pass  over  that 
string  and  come  to  the  point,  I  can  never  remember  all  ^ 
that,  any  more  than  tlie  Knight  of  La  Mancha,  could 
keep  count  of  tlic  three  hundred  sheep  as  they  were 
ferried  over  the  stream  singly— now  I  tell  thee  honest 
friend,  all  I  wish-to  know  is,  the  bone  of  contention— 
the  matters  and  things  of  which  we  accuse  Bull,  simply 
and  singly,  clearly  and  distinctly,  each  in  its  proper  or- 
der hke  the  counts  of  an  indictment,  that  we  may  know 
exactly  what  we  have  got  to  do ;  mean  time,  1  will  take 
a  memorandum  of  the  charges  with  my  pencil. 
Sangrado.     Very  well.  Your  Honor  (reads.) 

1.  He  has  blockaded  the  coast  of  Europe  from  Brest 
to  the  Elbe,  by  a  proclamation  which  is  contrary  to  the 
law  of  nations.     May,  1806. 

2.  He  issued  his  orders  in  counsel,  declaring  it  un- 
lawful for  neutrals  to  trade  from  one  port  to  another  of 
France  or  her  allies.    January  6,  1807. 

3.  He  furthermore  issued  his  orders  in  counsel  the 
11th  November  following,  by  which  all  trade  was  pro- 
hibited between  neutral  nations,  and  between  France 
and  her  allies. 

4.  He  impresses  our  seamen  from  our   merchant 

sliips. 

6.  He  has  stirred  up  the  Wampum  savages  to  Butcher 
the  innocent  inhabitants  on  our  frontiers. 

6.  He  sent  the  infamous  John  Henry  to  bribe  Tom 
Boston  and  breed  disturbance  in  the  family. 

6* 


Ml 


\n 


rfldM 


»«|.1."I|«1!WI»»I 


CHAPTER  VL 


(KTEEVIEW  BETWEEN  UNCLE  SAM  AND  HIS  SQUIRE,  CONTIK" 
UED FRESH  PROdFS  OF  THE  INSOLENCE  OF  TOM  BOS- 
TON—SOME  ACCOUNT  OF  COUNT  SCKATCH-OFf's  EXPE- 
DITION—SECOND ATTEMPT  ON  THE  SXOAVPIELDS  UN- 
DER THE  AUSPICES  OF  ADMIRAL  TOM-US-OFF. 

Well  Sangrado,  said  Uncle  SarTi,.is  that  all  ?  That 
is  the  substance  replied  the  Squire.  Now  then  inform 
me  exactly,  and  with  the  precision  of  a  Lawyer,  how 
much  is  to  be  required  of  our  Adversary,  on  each  pai?- 
ticular  charge,  or  matter  of  complaint  against  him, 
that  we  may  know  when  we  have  got  through,  Sangra- 
do, that  we  may  not  go  to  work  "  blind  fold,"  as  they 
say.  Declare  off,  clearly  and  clerkly,  succinctly  and  dis- 
tinctly and  I  will  meantime  note  down  the  matter  in 
mv  red  pocket  book. 

"San.  1.  He  must  acknowledge  that  his  Blockade  was 
Illegal.     (Very  well,  down— go  on.) 

San.  2  and  8.  He  must  be  made  to  acknowledge  that 
liis  orders  in  counsel  were  a  violation  of  neutral  rights 
—he  must  rescind  them,  and  make  reparation  to  our 
Merchants  for  the  property  taken  from  them,  and  give 
us  assurances  that  they  sliall  not  be  renewed.  (Very 
IV  ell — score  two  /—proceed.) 

4.  He  must  restore  our  seamen  taken  from  us,  pay 
them  their  wages,  and  renounce  totally  and  forever  hia 
claim  of  taking  them.    (Down— go  on.) 

5.  He  must  disavow  having  had  any  agency  in  excit- 
ing the  Wampums  to  acts  of  hostility  against  our  froi- 
•fiei*  seiiieniewwj'— rr/«v«  /i=-.vj  f 


4 


\ 


■(^- 


^ 


I- 


I 


47 

6  Lastly,  he  must  also  disavow,likewi9C,  any  agenc5^ 
in  sending  John  Kerry  to  this  Countrj^,  to  create  dis- 
turbances  in  your  family.     Down-^Jiui  pray  Sangrado, 
continued  Uncle  Sam,  did  my  Wife  or  Jacques  draw 
this  Declaration.     She  did  it,  though,  I  suppose,  I  tlnnk 
I  know  her  style  :  Did  she  not  complain  of  wind  m  her 
stomach?    I  know  she  has  been  troubled  wnh  such  a 
complaint  for  some  years,  and  I  am  afraid  it  wdl  k  U 
her  vet.-Before  the  Squire  had  time  to  reply  to  these 
enquires  the  conference  was  interrupted  by  a  sudden 
noise,  xvhich  was  nothing  less  than  the  insolent  Tom 
Boston,  who  this  instant  made  his  debut  from  behind  a 
clump  of  bushes,  where  the  rascal  had  been  evedrop- 
ping  and  heard  the  wliole  that  had  passed.     Uncle 
Sam^s  anger  was  enkindled,  he  called  him  an  unmanner- 
ly roeue,  and  Sangrado  lifted  up  his  bludgeon  to  chastise 
4  boorishness,  and  would  certainly  have  done  it,  had 
he  not  accidentally  discovered,  in  one  corner  of  Tom  s 
eye,  something,  I  know  not  what,  that  looked  like  the 
most  desperate  and  fearless  determination  :    The  mso- 
lent  Yankee  began.    "  So  it  seems  we  have  not  had 
suffering  and  privation  enough  yet,  we  must  be  put  un- 
der the  harrow  again.    We  have  jumped,  as  the  saying 
is,  '  out  of  the  frying  pan  into  the  fire.'    But  tell  nie 
Sangrado,  how  many  pages  are  there  in  that  paper  the 
declaration  of  war,  I  suppose  you  call  it,  which  yoit 
have  just  put  in  your  pocket." 

San.  Fifteen.  "  Is  any  thing  said  about  Nap  and 
the  injuries  he  has  done  us  ?  O  yes,  here  it  is--(reads.) 
«  The  Committee  do  not  hesitate  to  declare  that 
«  France  has  greatly  injured  the  United  States,  and 
*c  that  satisfactory  reparation  has  not  been  made  for 
.'J  many  of  those  hijuries.     But  that  is  a  concern  which 


I 


^ 


I 


I 


l\J 


^.«^^ 


•  ) 


i3%y 


4S 

«  the  United  States  will  look  to  and  settle  tliemselres. 
<J  The  high  character  of  the  American  people,  is  a  suf- 
«  ficient  pledge  to  the  world  that  they  will  not  fail  to 
"  settle  it  on  conditions  which  they  have  a  right  to 
«  claim."  Is  that  all,  said  Boston  ?  all,  replied  the 
Squire.  Well,  continued  the  speaker,  a  short  horse  is 
soon  curried.  And  pray  let  me  ask,  is  not  a  loss  of 
property  as  distressing  to  a  man  when  taken  by  B,  as 
when  it  is  occasioned  by  A  ?  and  is  freedom  less  dear, 
or  slavery  more  tolerable,  in  the  dungeons  of  Nap,  than 
in  the  ships  of  Bull  ?  Have  you  counted  the  cost  of  this 
contest  ?  are  your  seaports  and  harbors  in  a  state  of 
security  and  prepared  for  an  attack  ?  Have  you  an  ar- 
my raised  sufficient  to  carry  your  threats  into  execu- 
tion and  obtain  the  redress  you  claim  ? — Had  you  re- 
sisted the  encroachments  of  Nap  on  your  trade  at  first, 
as  you  ought,  these  Blockades  and  orders  would  never 
have  existed.  Bull  in  reclaiming  deserters  to  whom 
you  have  too  often  given  shelter,  and  too  frequently 
enticed  from  their  duty,  has  some  times  taken  your 
men.  In  doing  this,  he  claims  no  other  right  than  eve- 
ry other  independent  nation  has  ever  recognized  and 
practised  on.  That  in  the  exercise  of  this  right  abuse- 
es  have  frequently  happened  I  do  not  deny.  It  is,  and 
ever  has  been  a  grievance  since  our  first  oiganization  as 
a  political  family.  But  to  make  war,  to  oblige  your 
enemy  to  renounce  this  claim,  is  the  height  of  folly  and 
stupidity.  Few  indeed  are  the  cases  in  which  a  natural 
born  subject  can  absolve  his  allegiance.  The  cas«  in 
question  is  not  one.  Even  the  right  of  expatriation  of 
which  we  hear  so  much,  in  its  most  plausible  features, 
grows  out  of  the  refinement  of  civil  society,  and  does 
Hot  exist  in  the  individual  as  an  abstract  and  independ- 


^__ 


I 


4§ 

ent  privilege.      For  instance,  a  subject  of  one  of  the 
German  States  emigrates  to  this  country  ;  his  prince 
reclaims  him  ;— we  resist  the  claim,  because  the  emi- 
grant has  become  a  member  of  our  society,  and  because 
the  yielding  him  would  interfere  with  our  municipal  regu- 
lations ;  but  not  because  we  have  any  natural  right  to 
his  services  or  because  we  are  under  any  abstarct  obli- 
gation to  receive  and  protect  all  that  fly  to  our  shores. 
The  individual  was  invested  primarily,  with  no  power  to 
make  a  contract  with  iiSy  or  we  with  kim.     Hence  a  very 
important  distinction  l)ecomcs  evident.     We  ought  to 
protect  all  emigrants  who  settle  among  us  permanently, 
but  the  privilege  of  birthright  can  never  be  conferred 
but  by  the  mutual  consent  of  the  sovereigns,  inasmuch 
as  to  one  belorgs  the  privilege  to  release,  to  the  other, 
to  receive.     Therefore  mir  local  jurisdiction  on  land  is 
total  and  exclusive  5  but  on  the  water,  only  partial  and 
relative.     The  one  embraces  the  entire  interests  of  a 
single  community ;  the  other,  the  rights  of  a  variety  of 
communities  to  which  all  nations  are  parties.      The 
first  territory  we  possess  in  fee  ^impUy  while  in  the  other 
we  are  but   tenants  in  common.— In  the  first  case  the 
integrity  of  our  local  and  municipal  jurisdiction  protects 
tlie  emigrant,  in  the  latter,  we  are  not  invested  with 
that  jurisdiction;  of  course,  birth  or  the  mutual  conset 
of  the  parties  interested,  is  requisite  to  consecrate  and 
insure  protection.    With  regard  to  the  charge  of  his 
having  armed  the  savages  against  us,  he  has  already 
disavowed  having  any  concern  in  it.     It  is  brought 
forward  merely  to  increase  the  size  of  the  budget-     But 
the  charge  of  his  having  sent  a  spy  among  us,  to  sow 
the  seeds. of  disaffection,  is  the  most  ridiculous  of  all, 
and  I  am  confideut  it  is  only  brought  forward  at  this 


.  \\ 


.    / 


f, 


30 


V 


) 


time  to  rouse  your  pnssions,  my  Leige  Uiulc,  against 
your  Adversary,  and  to  excite  your  prejudice  again&t 
me  and  my  family,  and  perhaps  also  to  cover  the  dis- 
grace of  being  swindled  out  of  60,000  Dollars. 

I  have  only  to  add  as  a  last  and  I  fear  unavailing 
duty  that  unless  you  refrain  from  listening  to  the  sug- 
gestions of  this  profligate  and  abandoned  woman,  you 
are  undone.  Jacques  and  she  put  their  heads  together 
and  resolve  what  tales  to  tell  you,  and  you  believe  every 
thing,  not  because  one  syllable  is  true,  but  because  you 
are  told  to  believe  it ;  you  believe  not  fiom  probability, 
but  by  the  square  foot,  yard  or  acre,  whatever  is  offered 
you.  Now  mind  what  I  tell  you,  Bull  will  never  yield 
his  principles  of  Blockade  or  orders,  until  you  ha\e 
properly  resisted  Nap's  decrees  which  wore  tiie  cause 
of  them.  He  will  never  give  up  the  right  of  search,  un- 
til you  have  sunk  his  last  sliip,  and  the  last  square  foot 
of  his  Island.  Again,  were  you  the  maritime  power, 
and  Jolm  Bull  the  complainant,  j^^ou  would  never  give 
tip  this  right,  it  is  the  right  of  every  independent  nation. 
You  would  not  dare  give  it  up.  And  if  the  exercise  of 
it  is  less  useful  to  us  than  to  him,  this  dillercnce  results 
merely  from  the  different  circumstances  in  which  the 
two  nations  are  placed.  You  say  that  the  principles  of 
your  government,  make  it  your  duty  to  offer  an  asj'lum 
to  the  oppressed  of  all  nations.  Whence  did  you  derive 
the  authority  to  constitute  a  code  of  principles  of  par- 
amount authority  to  the  principles  of  national  law  and 
the  rights  of  other  nations  ?  It  is  a  maxim  in  law  "  that 
you  shall  so  use  your  own  property  as  not  to  injure  that 
of  your  Neighbor."  You  may  go  to  war  five,  ten,  or 
twenty  years,  my  word  for  it,  you  will  leave  ofT  where 


51 


4 


•^r 


vou  bC'^ln,  or  worse  in  point  of  attaining  any  of  the  oh- 
.  jtcts  you  contend  for. 

As  might  be  expected  this  phillippic  of  the  impudent 
Yankee  ^vas  not  at  all  relished  by  either'  of  tlie  high- 
minded  uuJitors.  Uncle  Sam  with  a  careless,  indiffer- 
ent and  self  snnicient  air,  turned  and  walked  away,  while 
the  Squire,  who  had  been  ready  to  burst  with  rage, 
tend(?red  iiini  ^he  honiag*?.  of  his  profound  contempt. 

We  must  now  pay  a  visit  to  the  valiant  Field  marshal 
Count  Scratch-off.     We  left  him  in  the  dominions  of 
John  Bull,  amusing  himself  with  his  proclamation,  and 
halting  his  army  at  Sandwich,  recruiting  them  by  oc- 
casional excursions  in  the  owl-pastures  adjoining.     On 
hearing  the  news  of  this  invasion,  Uncle  Sam's  wife  be- 
gan to  set  her  cap  for  the  govern.nent  of  a  new  territory, 
and  her  gallants  were  heard  to  make  large  swaggering 
bets  that  Count  Scratch-off  would  be  in  Quebec  within 
three  weeks,  and  it  is  even  said  that  several  applications 
were  made  for  the  office  of  Governor  of  Canada.     Ad- 
venturers were  flocking  from  all  quarters,  in  eager  ex- 
pectation of  having  a  good  slice  out  of  the  rounds  of  the 
Bull,  and  although  there  were  not  many  who  coveted  ti.- 
job  oC  knocking  the  Bull  down,  yet  multitudes  were 
ready  to  assist  in  skinning  and  cutting  him  up  for  mar- 
ket.    Among  the  most  renowned  and  valiant  of  those 
who   jffer  their  knives,  horses,  and  sacred  honor,  on 
this  interesting  occasion,  was  Admiral  Tom-us-off,  Chief 
Steward  of  Stoffles  Land,  sometimes  called  the  pretty 
Knight  of  the  fiddle,  from  his  assiduity  and  attention  to 
the  Ladies ;  after  this  however,  he  acquired  the  name  of 
Swagger  master  General  to  Uncle  Sam,  from  the  great 
Jieal  he  displayed  in  driving  out  his  tenants  to  protect 


f   -^ 


m 


; 


i 


52 

the  frontier,  while  he  kept  his  own  sleek,  sweet  scented 
self  out  of  the  reach,  of  danger. 

Mean  time,  our  valiant  adventurer  having  settled 
himself  at  Sandwich,  seemed  to  be  content  with  the 
proclamation  he  had  issued,  by  which  he  evinced  an 
evident  partiality  to  the  ink-shedding  instead  of  the 
blood-shedding  system. 

Here  he  remained  about  a  month,  when  finding  the 
stupid  inhabitants  of  the  Snowfields,  so  dilatory  about 
accepting  the  blessings  of  Liberty  and  safety,  that  with 
the  most  nettlesome  indignation  and  precipitate  activ- 
ity, lie  pulled  up  stakes  and  recrossed  over  to  the  terri- 
tories of  Uncle  Sam. 

This,  Or  some  other  cause  equally  forcible  and  cogent, 
so  roused  the  ire  of  the  churlish  inhabitants  of  these 
desolate  regions,  that  they  crawled  out  from  under  their 
snow  banks,  put  themselves  under  the  command  of  one 
Master  Brooks,  a  most  daring  fellow,  who  not  having  the 
spirit  of  forbearance  in  his  mind,  nor  the  fear  of  gunpow- 
der and  proclamations  before  his  nose,  followed  tlie 
Field  marshal  over,  foot  to  heel,  and  without  shedding 
a  drop  of  blood,  took  him  and  all  his  company  prison- 
ers, being,  as  it  appeared,  determined  not  to  part  with 
their  company  at  any  rate.  This  happened  on  the  14th 
dav  of  the  8th  Month. 

The  intelligence  of  these  events  reached  the  ears  of 
Uncle  Sam,  and  mild  and  temperate  as  he  was,  threw 
him  into  a  paroxism  of  anger.  He  sometimes  was  half 
resolved  to  abandon  the  project  of  giving  the  boorish 
Bullites  the  blessings  of  Libert/.  But  the  first  Frost 
month  after  his  Honor's  wrath  being  a  little  abated,  he 
collected  another  company,  made  up  partly  of  the  ser- 
vaats  of  his  own  family,  and  partly  of  the  sons  of  Stof- 


i 


to 

flos  Land,  and  most  graciously  attempted  to  plant  the 
tree  of  Liberty  in  another  place.  In  this  measure,  he 
was  greatly  assisted  by  the  Valiant  Knight  count  Tom- 
us-off  who  sent  one  of  his  own  generals  to  command  tlie 
expedition  and  assist  in  placing  the  roots  of  the  tree. 

The  place  chosen  for  the  second  attempt  to  innocu- 
latethe  clownish  Snowfieldians  with  blessings  of  Liberty, 
was  Quecnston,  a  pleasant  town  separated  from  the 
dominions  of  Sam,   by  that  frith  of  water  which   is 
kown  by  name  the  St.  Lawrence.     The  famous  attempt 
was  made  on  the  12th  day  of  the  lOlh  Month,  and  in 
the  early  part  of  the  day  promised  the  most  complete 
success^  but  Master  Brooks  suddenly  made  his  appear- 
ance, accompanied  by  a  host  of  his  frosty  Cossacs,  and 
a  multitude  of  the  sons  of  Cain,  who  live  in  the  forests, 
like  wild  beasts  of  the  desert.     Besetting  the  valiant 
Samuelites  with  great  fury,  he  soon  regained  the  con- 
quered ground,  and  obliged  the  Captain  of  the  band  to 
withdraw  with  great  precipitation  from  the  ground  and 
rccross  the  river.     This  he  effected  with  great  loss  of 
killed,  wounded  and   prisoners.     Although  John  Bull 
■claimed  the  victory,  yet  Uncle  Sam  gave  him  a  most 
grievous  scratching.      He  lost  many  of  his  servants, 
among  whom  .vas  the  brave  Master  Brook. 

The  effect  cf  this  attempt  was  nothing  more  than  to 
teach  Bull  to  be  a  little  on  his  guard,  and  Uncle  Sa;n 
that  it  would  require  more  than  six  weeks,  to  instruct 
such  blockish  beings,  m  the  saving  knowledge  of  Repub- 
lean  freedom.  Naturalists  tell  us  that  a  goose  by 
proper  management,  may  be  fatted  in  nine  days,  a 
turkey  in  three  weeks,  and  a  liog  in  a  given  period ;  but 
the  bh^ssings  of  "  Peace,  Lilx'rty  and  safety"  could  not 
W  crammed  down  the  throat  of  John  Bull  fiu'  enough  to 


\':\ 


54 

make  any  sensible  alteration  in  his  meagre  appearance, 
although  the  Ragout  was  prepared  by  the  most  experi- 
enced Cooks,  and  the  dish  garnished  with  proclamations, 
and  seasoned  with  gunpowder.  A  measure  of  this  kind 
appeared  to  require  strength,  time,  and  money. 


.1 


k^  U ) 


e, 

ri- 

is, 
id 


CHAPTER  VIL 

WICKEDNESS  OP  TOM  BOSTON— FROPOSALS  FOR  AN  ARMW- 
TICE— NAVAL  TRANSACTIONS—PHILOSOPHICAL  REPLIC 
TIONS   OP    THE    HISTORIAN. 

We  have  already  had  occasion  to  speak  of  the  Gene- 
ral Covenant,  by  which  the  family  of  Uncle  Sam  was  gov- 
erned.   This  instrument  gave  the  Chief  Steward  authori- 
ty to  call  out  the  armed  servants  of  the  whole  family,  on 
certain  specified  emergencies :  viz.  In  case  of  invasion, 
to  subdue  insurrections,  and  to  put  the  laws  in  force. 
No  sooner  had  tlie  dcclaialion  of  hostilities  gone  forth, 
when  off-popped  a  thundering  proclamation,  requiring 
all  the  liege  servants  of  the  family,  to  vex,  hurt,  plague, 
worry,  bother,  and  in  every  way,  teaze,  pinch,  frighten 
and  thump  John  Bull,  to  a  sense  of  his  duty,  and  in  aid 
of  these  potent  persuasives,  the  Chief  Steward  immedi- 
ately required  of  the  chiefs  of  Clans  in  Tom  Boston's 
dominions  to  put  a  certain  number  of  the  militia,  or  as 
they  are  humorously  termed  by  the  "  Lords  of  the  An- 
cient dominion,"  the  Leather-apron-interest,  under  the 
control  of  the  Field  Marshal-general.     Tom  Boston  in- 
stantly took  fire  on  hearing  this  order,  and  resolutely 
forbid  his  Bashaws  complying  with  it.     Holding  the 
General  Covenant  in  one  hand,  and  a  clenched  fist  in 
the  other,  he  exclaimed,  "  None  of  the  occasions  stated 
in  the  Covenant  have  occurred}   these  men  aie  not 
wanted  for  defence — there  is  no  invasion— there  i^  no 
civil  commotion^-the  Laws  aro  not  resisted."    The 


I  ij, 


66 


Cliief  StGNvard  replied  that  a  power  to  correct  an  evii^ 
involved  a  power  to  preventf  and  that  if  none  of  the 
cases  had  actually  happened,  yet  he  had  taken  the  most 
certain  measures  to  bring  on  an  invasion,  and  insisted 
on  ^i,:  right  to  tlie  forces  required  in  the  order,  and  al- 
most intimated  that  obedience  would  be  had  in  some 
Nvay,  either  by  hook  or  by  crook.  But  Tom,  stubborn 
as  a  mule,  declared  that  if  such  an  attempt  was  made 
"  the  flood  that  overwhelmed  him  must  rise  higher  than 
his  mountains — the  storm  that  swept  him,  must  tear  hira 
from  the  bottom  of  his  valhes,  and  that  sooner  than 
yield,  cveiy  vale  should  be  a  Thermopylts,  every 
height.  Bunker's  hill." 

On  hearing  this  daring  insolence  of  the  hardened 
l!oston,  the  Chief  Steward  with  infinite  address  shook 
bis  head,  and  nothing  but  the  most  consummate  self* 
lommand,  kept  him  from  shaking  his  fist.    But  the  har- 
dened ingrate  did  not  escape  without  punishment.     Or- 
ders were  immediately  given  for  a  proclamation-burdca 
of  hard  names  to  be  manufactured  in  the  Slang  mills', 
and  the  Lamp  black  factories,  to  be  hung  in  hand-bills, 
around  the  shoulders  of  Tom  and  his  Coadju-^t^m  and 
(ippugnaiores  ;  who  had  the  hardy  presumption  to  resist 
the  powers  that  be,  or  the  authority,  that  ivoiild  le. 
Among  the  Chiefs  who  distinguished  themselves  by  their 
disobedience,  were  Caleb  Codline,  Roger  Saybrook,  and 
George  Mountain.     They  too,  partook  lustily  of  the 
punishment  which  was  meted  out  to  Tom  Boston. 

Tom  and  his  associates  were  called.  Rebels,  Tories, 
Bullites  and  Factionists,  besides  being  obliged  to  suffer 
the  excruciating  tortures  inflicted  by  10,000  profound 
contempts,  and  to  endure  the  inexpressible  anguish  of 
being let  alone. 


i 


'^r:va-; 


i 


SI. 

But  what  evinced  tlie  most  obdurate  and  premeditated 
villany,  was  these  remorseless  wretches,  Galiio  like, 
**  cared  for  none  of  these  things  " 

Since  the  thread  of  adventures  is  broken,  it  may  be 
well  here  to  mention  that  John  Bull,  hearing  that  Nap 
had  by  a  proclamation  revoked  his  decrees,  rescinded 
his  orders  in  Council,  and  proposed  a  cessation  of  hos- 
tilities. This,  he  fancied,  might  lead  to  an  accommoda- 
tion, as  by  it  one  of  the  principal  causes  of  contention 
were  removed.  And  indeed,  had  Uncle  Sam  been  left 
to  himself,  his  wrath  being  somewhat  cooled,  it  is  believ- 
ed he  would  have  accepted  it.  But  the  Chief  Steward 
considered  his  honor  concerned,  in  obtaining  the  wliole 
or  nothing.  And  the  event  proved  the  wisdom  of  his 
calculations :  for  he  warred  most  valiantly  more  than 
two  years,  and  then  made  a  "  Glorious  peace"  on  the 
precise  terms  now  offered,  saving  that  he  gave  up  the 
privilege  of  catching  fish  in  a  certain  place,  and  a  small 
lump  of  territory,  merely  to  prove  the  sincerity  of  his 
disposition.  O  Conquest,  how  resistless  are  thy  attrac- 
tions; Honor,  thou  art  something  more  than  a  *•' trim 
reckoning,"  more  than  the  image  of  "  liim  wlio  die<l 
yesterday,"  or,  in  thy  forbidding  presence.  Nature  migl.t 
be  permitted  to  plead — and  reyson  to  advocate  ! 

Now  courteous  and  delighted  reader,  since  you  nr.d  I 
have  been  ni  copartnership  hitherto  in  this  toilsome 
journey, frequently  through  unplensant  paths;  let  us  now 
like  two  dogs  long  kenneled  togetlier,  break  out  and 
snuff  the  "  breezy  gale,"  the  fragrant  air,  and  seek,  if 
not  better,  more  agreeable  company.  We  leave  for 
awhile  the  costume  of  masquerade,  and  the  rcojoiis  of 
•metaphor, — we  become  ourselves  and  dare  to  be  men. 

6* 


I  — 


ill 


58 

It  was  on  tlie  tenth  of  February,  1799,  the  eai  th  had 
not  yet  been  broken  to  inhume  the  mortal  remains  of 
Washington,  when  the  gallant  Truxton,  encountered, 
and  took  the  Insurgent,  one  of  the  fmest  ships  in  the 
service  of  the  French  Directory.     The  day  was  as  glo- 
rious to  the  American  people  as  its  recollections  will  be 
grateful  to  future  ages.      Tlie  sons  of  CoUmibus,  had 
endured  every  indignity  from  that  accursed  band  of 
civilized  pirates,  which  it  was  in  the  power  of  human 
wickedness  to  offer,  had  suffered  the  last  outrage  winch 
the  patience  of  a  Christian  could  endiu'c,  or  his  chanty 
forgive ;  when  she  would  read  in  tliis  important  event, 
iliat  a  beneficent  Providence  had  yet  some  designs  of 
uiercv  towards  an  ungrateful  peor,le,-that  a  redeeming 
<  risis'was  yet  presented,  if  they  were  disposed  to  em- 
brace it.     The  friends  of  Honor,  of  their  Country  and 
the  Constitution,  were  awakened  to  hope,  to  gratitude 
and  the  holy  duties  of  Patriotism.    The  triumph  of  the 
\aval  hero  was  complete.    His  praises  were  sung  in 
•  both  hemispheres,  in  both  worlds.      Pvcal  Americans 
lavished  on  his  name,  their  highest  songs  of  praise  : 
they  did  more ;  they  bestowed  on  him  the  rich  bequest? 
of  their  gratitude  and  love.     The  gentlemen  of  Loyds, 
•ccollecting  that  Americans  were  allied  to  them,  not  less 
by  valor  and  the  love  of  glory,  than  by  blood,  present- 
ed him  with  a  service  of  plate  worth  five  hundred  dol- 
tars,  as  a  testimony  of  their  respect  for  his  talents  and 
fiis  valor,  as  a  proof  that  every  true  son  of  honor  is  a 
citi7.en  of  all  nations,  although  he  can  be  descended 

onlv  from  one.  v     j  • 

But  the  honor  of  the  Naval  Hero  was  short-lived  in 
Ills  own  country.  The  gangrene  of  political  apostacy 
had  ocivadcd  the  Ur»bs  of  the  body  politic,  had  taken 


r 


i 


deep  root,  and  threatened  slow,  but  certain  ruin.    A, 
minister  from  the  American  repubhc,  had,  in  violation, 
not  merely  of  his  iustntctions,  but  of  the  laws  of  honor 
and  tlie  restraints  of  shame,  offered  to  mortgage  the 
resources  of  America  to  the  pro^igate  Directory  of 
France.     He  was  promptly  recalled  and  censured  by 
Washington.     Instead  of  making  suitable  expiation  for 
this  offence,  three  Ministers  were  afterwards  sent,  who 
dared  to  fulfd  their  duty,  to  say  that  their  Country  had 
rights  and  insist  on  their  admission.     A  storm  arose. 
The  advocates  of  American  rights  were  driven  from 
their  places  in  the  government,  and  men  devoted  to  the 
interests  of  France  were  put  in  their  stead.    So  glorious 
a  thing  was  it  to  be  the  suppliant  of  a  foreign  Despot— 
90  politically  pious,  to  outstrip  the  Divine  behest,  «  Love 
your  enernies." 

A  navy  became  the  object  of  scf^xn  and  derision. 
The  immense  debt  of  England  was  cited  as  the  offspring 
of  her  overgrown  navy  ;  her  navy  was  declared  to  be 
the  procuring  cause  of  her  perpetual  wars.  Our  little 
fleet  was  dispersed  by  the  wind  of  popular  disgust. 
We  were  declared  to  be  land-lubbers  in  fee-simple :  ten- 
ants of  Earth  and  not  of  Ocean. 

The  events  which  form  the  sequel  to  this  interesting 
epoch  of  our  histor}^,  are  familiar  to  all ;  they  will  be 
still  more  intimately  felt  by  the  hearts  and  happiness  of 
posterity. 

Will  it  be  credited  by  future  times,  that  such  was  the 
temper  of  the  American  government,  towards  a  navy, 
although  then  actually  engaged  in  war  with  that  power 
which  they  most  dreaded  and  hated,  when  the  gallant 
Capt.  Hull  informed  them  by  his  letter  of  August  30th, 
1812,  dated  off  Boston  light  house,  that  after  an  action 


1 


i 


^^g^jggl^iftBr-'- 


i 


4  /J^ 


of  so  minutes,  he  had  compelled  the  British  frigate  the 
Giierriere  to  strike  to  the  Constitution,  under  his  com- 
mand ?  But  posterity  ivill  believe,  that  although  govern- 
ments may  be  corrupt,  nations  were  grateful !  They  will 
believe  the  declaration  of  the  historian,  when  he  asserts 
that  this  victory  was  received  by  the  American  people, 
with  all  that  joy  and  gratitude  which  was  due  to  the 
splendor  of  its  achievement  and  the  greatness  of  its 
consequences.  The  immediate  effect  of  this  victory  on 
the  public  mind,  was  the  severest  of  all  censures,  both 
on  the  long  pursued  policy,  and  the  belligerent  measures 
of  Government.  It  was  the  first  ray  of  hope  which 
penetrated  those  dark  clouds  of  disgrace  which  had  en- 
veloped our  military  character^ 

This  was  soon  followed  by  the  triumph  of  Capt.  Jones, 
who  took  the  British  sloop  of  war  Frolic,  after  an  action 
of  45  minutes.  But  it  was  the  fortune  of  the  gallant 
commander  himself  to  be  compelled  to  surrender  his 
victor-ship,  the  Wasp,  a  few  hours  after  the  conflict,  by 
striking  to  the  Poictiers,  74.  Both  these  events  occurr- 
ed on  the  18th  October,  181 2.  On  the  2oth  of  the  same 
month.  Commodore  Decatur,  captured  the  British  Fri- 
gate Macedonian,  Capt.  Carden,  of  49  guns,  after  an 
action  of  one  hour  and  thirty  minutes.  The  Macedo- 
nian was  one  of  the  best  Frigates  of  her  size,  in  the 
British  navy.  She  had  36  men  killed,  and  68  wounded, 
and  as  respected  her  masts  and  rigging,  became  a  wreck. 
The  Commodore's  Frigate,  the  United  States,  lost  7 
men  killed,  and  had  6  wounded,  and  was  so  little  disabled 
after  the  action,  that  the  Commodore  declared  that  had 
it  not  been  for  bringing  in  his  prize,  he  should  have 
continued  his  cruise.  In  this,  as  in  both  the  preceding 
actionS;  the  superiority  of  American  gunnery,  over  that 


^ 


-1 


61 


^ 


of  her  enemy,  was  apparent.  A  steady,  cool  and  de- 
termined bravery,  indeed,  was  never  wanting,  but  was 
always  conspicuous. 

The  close  of  this  year  was  distinguished  by  the  bril- 
liant exploit  of  Commodore  Bainbridge,  off  the  coast  of 
Brazils,  who,  after  a  severe  and  well  contested  action  of 
one  hour  and  fifty-five  minutes,  compelled  the  British 
frigate  Java,  of  49  guns,  to  strike  to  the  Constitution 
under  his  command.     Tlie  skill  and  science  displayed 
by  the  brave  Cojnmodore,  and  his  gallant  crew,  in  lead- 
ing the  Constitution  to  her  second  triumph,  extorted  the 
praises  of  their  enemies,  and  claimed  ihp  highest  love 
and  gratitude  of  their  country.     The  Java  mounted  49 
guns,  had  a  coivplement  of  400  men,  besides  100  super- 
numerary officers  and  men,  going  out  to  the  East  Indies, 
xvith  Lieut.  Gen.  Hislop  and  Staff,  and  several  other 
officers  of  distinction.     The  Java  had  60  killed  and  101 
Avounded.     The  loss  of  the  Constitution  was  9  killed 
and  25  wounded.      The  Java  was  made  a  complete 
wreck,  and  being  lightened  of  her  prisoners  and  thei? 
baggage,  was  blown  up. 

Before  the  extatic  Joy  of  the  Nation  had  had  time  to 
subside,  the  news  of  another  naval  triumph,  no  legs 
honourable  to  the  American  flag,  than  any  of  the  pre- 
ceding, reached  our  shores,  which  proved  that  the  talents 
of  our  Commanders  were  as  diversified,  as  the  several 
scenes  in  which  they  acted,  on  the  immense  theatre, 
were  distant.     This  was  the  capture  of  His  Britannic 
Majesty's  Brig  Peacock,  Capt.Peake,  who  fell  in  the 
action,  by  the  United  States  ship  Hornet,  Capt.  Law- 
rence, after  a  severe  conflict  of  fifteen  minutes.     So 
completely  was  she  cut  in  pieces,  that  although  the  ut- 
most dispatch  was  used?  ?he  went  down,  before  thf 


i  -'M 


V 


62 

wounded  and  prisoners  could  be  removed.  Thirteen  of 
her  crew  went  down,  besides  three  of  the  brave  tars 
belonging  to  the  Hornet.  The  circumstances  under 
which  this  action  was  undertaken,  entitle  the  brave 
Lawrence  to  the  highest  reputation  for  boldness  of 
decision,  and  exactness  of  calculation,  and  will  ever 
characterize  it  as  one  of  the  most  brilliant  achievements 
ef  Naval  enterprize.  It  was  undertaken  with  a  ship  of 
superior  force,  and  within  sight  of  the  Espeigle  which 
mounted  16  guns,  and  lay  during  the  action,  at  the  dis- 
tance only  of  two  leagues.  It  took  place  off  Demarara, 
on  the  24th  Feb.  1813.  The  Peacock  had  7  killed  and 
29  wounded.  The  Hornet  Iiad  only  2  killed  and  3 
wounded,  and  was  so  little  damaged  that  she  was  fitted 
for  action  a  few  hours  after  the  engagement.  The 
brave  and  since  unf<^tunate  Lieut.  Shubrick,*  bore  a 
distinguished  part  in  this  glorious  event. 

Could  the  liistory  of  the  lamented  Lawrence  close 
here,  no  circumstance  could  arise  to  embitter  recollec- 
tion. His  next  conflict,  the  ij5sue  of  which  is  well 
known,  covered  the  land  with  mourning,  but  instead  of 
dimiiiishifig?  threw  a  majestic  and  awful  lustre  on  his; 
fame.  If  the  mingled  tears  of  friends  and  of  enemies, 
add  durability  to  the  tints  of  the  evergreen  that  encir- 
cles the  temples  of  the  brave,  the  wreath  of  Lawrence 

•  Lieut.  Shubrick,  was  charged  with  dispatches  from  Com- 
modore Decatur,  after  his  subjugation  of  the  Barbary  powers 
in  July  last,  to  the  Government  of  the  United  States.  He 
sailed  from  the  Mediterranean  in  the  Epervier  sloop  of  war, 
the  latter  part  of  the  month,  and  had  on  board  the  liberated 
captives.  As  she  has  never  since  been  heard  of,  it  results  that 
she  must  have  been  lost  in  some  of  the  severe  gales  that  pre- 
vailed last  season- 


^4 
I 


\^ 


t 


1 

I 


shall  be  distinguislied  by  admiring  ages,  until  the  billows 
of  old  ocean  shall  forget  to  roll. 

The  effect  of  these  events,  was,  in  no  respect  how- 
ever to  influence  the  fate  of  the  contest.  While  our 
brave  tars  were  tearing  the  dusty  laurels  from  the  vete- 
ran brow  of  a  gallant  foe,  a  temporizing  and  incapable 
cabmet  were  dealing  out  a  peck  of  flints  to  one  half 
Starved  and  unpaid  army,  a  keg  of  powder  and  a  bar- 
rel of  whiskey  to  another,  and  cashiering  the  ofiicers 
©f  a  third.  While  a  constellation  of  rjaval  victories 
darted  an  effulgence  of  glory  on  both  hemispheres,  a 
host  of  supernumerary  and  beardless  officers,  were 
drying  their  shirts  by  grisly  moonshine :  a  junto  of  ig- 
Bobles,  with  no  patriotism  but  tlie  love  of  office  in  their 
7war^s,  and  no  wisdom  but  mutual  jealousy  in  their  heads, 
most  profoundly  judged,  that  the  splendor  of  the  tri- 
umph would  be  increased,  h^r  dyking  out  the  waters  of 
the  St.  Lawrence,  with  the  pu.  y  efforts  of  a  wheel-bar- 
row, and  blowing  up  the  ocean  with  the  hypochondriac 
-wind  of  a  Torpedo.  The  genius  of  Columbia  presided 
over  the  destinies  of  our  little  Navy,  while  the  meagre 
ghost  of  Don  Quixote  directed  every  movement  by  land. 
While  the  charming  goddess  was  scattering  laurels  with 
the  discriminating  wisdom  of  a  sage,  the  crazy  Knight 
of  La  Mancha  was  most  vaUantly  thumping  his  ribs 
against  a  windmill. 

But  we  turn  from  the  disgusting  subject.  We  will 
not  attempt  a  caricature,  since  language  and  nature 
have  denied  us  the  materials  for  sketching  the  outline  of 

a  picture. 

The  neutral  enquirer,  the  tenant  of  another  realm, 
and  still  more,  disinterested  posterity  will  have  a  right 
t6  demand  j  "  Did  not  these  once  deadly  foes  to  a  wavy, 


f 


n 


1)  1  ( 


€4 

openly  confess  their  error  ?   Did  they  not  instantly  r«. 
tract,  and  make  the  only  atonement  in  their  power  to 
a  degraded  and  long  defrauded  country?"    Noj  so 
far  from  it,  that  the  peals  of  rejoicing  had  scarcely 
done   sounding,  when  Democracy  flapped   her  dusky 
wings,  took  the  lovely  infant  in  her  harpy  fangs,  had 
the  child  named  anew,  and  stood  its  god-mother.     Nay, 
before  the  astonishment  of  the  bye-standers  had  ceas- 
ed, she  declared  herself  its  legitimate  parent,  began  to 
inflate  its  cliest  with  the  wind  of  adulation,  and  offered 
her  Ethiopian  breast  to  its  coral  lips.    «  What,  all  this 
without  a  blush !»     Ah !   honest  friend,  ^'  cany  your 
coals  to  Newcastle,''  talk  of  blushes  to  a  monument. 
The  wide  spread  waters  of  disgrace  had  deluged  the 
land ;   the  redeeming  energy  of  Columbia's  fame,  had 
fled  to  the  ocean.     Thus  circumstanced,  there  was  no 
room  for  delicacy  of  feeling,  for  the  mincing  ceremony 
of  blushing.     And  it  must  be  confessed  the  brazen 
visage  of  Democracy  was  admirably  fitted,  hammered, 
and  disciplined  for  the  occasion.     Placed  in  circum- 
stances exactly  similar,  Satan  himself  would  lack  com- 
posure of  countenance   when  boasting   of  the    most 
humble  act  of  Christian  charity,  performed  by  another. 
Well  might  a  faction  be  proof  agauist  betraying  any 
symptoms  of  shame,  who  could  never  be  even  suspect- 
ed of  compassion.    When  the  motives  to   patriotism 
have  ceased  to  be  any  other  than  personal  and  tempo- 
rizing, no  contrition  is  ever  felt,  but  when  ability  falls 
short  of  ambition;   and   the  bosom  which  has  dealt 
towards  the  war-worn  soldier,  with  a  treacherous  hand 
and  an  icy  heart,  is  warmed  with  other  combustibles, 
than  a  sense  of  shame  or  love  of  country. 


4- 


m 


I   * 


'  i 


niAPTER  VIH. 

CONFERENCKS  AT  THE  WIOWA-M — TRIAL  OP  COL-NT  SCRATCU- 
T;S-0FF — EXPEDITION  AND  WONDERFUL  ADVENTURES  OF 
SMYTE-US-OFF — CAUSES  OF  ITS  FAILURE — MISFORTUNES 
OF  OUR  FRIEND  NAP — REI'LECTIONS. 

'•'  What  a  piece  of  \\ork  is  man  I"  says  one — "  How 
noble  in  reason,  how  infinite  in  faculties  !"  and  he 
might  have  added,  how  diversified  in  talents  5  how  gi- 
gantic in  ambition  !  Tliis  learned  exclamation,  with 
the  lucky  addition,  was  forced  on  the  author's  mind 
by  comparing  the  magnitude  of  the  task  he  had  under- 
taken, with  tiie  variety  of  talents,  requisite  to  its  faith- 
ful execution.  Wiien  once  a  man  by  some  unlucky 
whim  of  imagination,  considers  himself  as  a  literary 
character,  how  bhnd  must  be  his  ambition,  to  undertake 
to  be  a  historian,  at  the  first  onset !  to  whisper  in  the 
ear  of  posterity,  a  knotty  string  of  f'  ts-^  'eaning  for 
aid,  on  that  slender  reed,  a  goose  qu!l'  nd  trusting 
perpetually  to  the  "  fitful  freaks'' of  recollection  !  Yet 
such,  unhappily,  is  the  case  of  every  author,  who 
makes  truth  his  pilot,  and  instruction  his  object. 

We  are  now  to  take  a  fresh  peep  at  the  drawing 
room  :  the  important  events  which  we  have  recorded  in 
the  two  preceding  chapters  made  it  necessary  for  the 
noses  of  the  knowing  ones  to  form  a  perpetual  focus 
of  wisdom.  The  surrender  of  the  valiant  Count  Scratch- 
us-off,  perplexed  them  not  a  little.  They  feared  the 
«nger  of  Uncle  Sam.    Aiier  a  short  debate,  hQweve?^ 


66 


I 


it  was  considered  best  to  charge  the  Field  Marshal  with 
being  bribed  by  the  gold  of  John  Bull,  a  charge  that 
always  rested  heavily  on  the  shoulders  of  his  butting 
Majesty.  And  this,  it  was  thought,  would  the  more 
easily  go  down,  as  the  chief  Steward  had  formerly  paid 
fifty  thousand  bits  of  silver,  to  prove  the  destructive  ef- 
ficacy of  gold  on  Tom  Boston  ;  so  much  expense,  there- 
fore, having  been  incurred,  to  establish  the  fact  that 
corruption  was  possible,  for  which  we  had  never  realised 
any  thing  in  return,  it  was  thought  Uncle  Sam,  would 
be  under  obligation  to  believe  this  merely  out  of  cour- 
tesy. It  was  decided  that  the  Field  Marshal  should  be 
tried,  with  great  form  and  solemnity,  which  was  accord- 
ingly done.  The  charge  of  bribery  was  not  supported ; 
but  another  was  resorted  to,  which  by  management  was 
made  to  answer  all  the  purposes  of  a  substitute — viz. — 
Cowardice :  and,  although  the  Field  Marshal  made  it 
appear  tolerably  well,  that  he  had  not  all  that  support 
which  he  had  a  rigt  :  to  expect,  and  was  assailed  by  an 
unexpected  host  of  the  sons  of  Cain,  yet  he  was  made 
the  scape-goat,  to  carry  the  freight  of  the  charge  of 
misn^^nagement  from  the  sensitive  consciences  of  for- 
tunate office  holders,  and  thus  the  business  ended. — 
The  Chief  Steward  discovered  great  judgment  in  man- 
aging this  affair.  He  employed  a  certain  Squire  Pea- 
cock, and  gave  him  a  round  two  thousand,  to  appear  at 
the  trial  and  bedaub  the  unfortunate  Marshal  with  the 
lamp-black  of  his  imagination,  and  as  he  was  a  slang- 
whanger  by  profession,  he  fulfilled  his  duty  in  a  masterly 
style.  Uncle  Sam  accepted  the  sacrifice,  and  made  n« 
further  rout  about  it. 

The  exploits  of  tiie  navy  came  next  under  considera- 
tij;n.    tiejce  Sungrodo  had  ,soincthing  to  say.    He.deT 


.■; 


67 

clarcd  that  as  he  had  the  pubhshing  of  every  Decte^, 
Bull,  Ukase,  Proclamalioii,  and  INianifesto  to  the  family, 
lie  had  a  perfect  right  to  consider  liimself  the  only  gen- 
uine opinion-founder  and  whim- vender,  iu  the  family, 
and  that  accordingly  he  had  some  years  since,  declared 
himself  the  "  organ    f  the  public  will,"  and  that  as  he 
had  been   directed   ])y   his  cniployers  to  say  many 
grievous  things  against  a  navy,  and  as  the  siv'wx  ifl  ^^ 
i-rite  it  down,  it  w^  dd  be  a  hard  thing  now  to  oblige 
him  to  right  it  up.     It  would  be  like  forcing  a  child  to 
repair  its  own  mischief,  like  rubbing  the  nose  of  a  pup- 
py in  its  own  filth.     '•  And  although,"  said  he,  «  I  do 
not  expect  to  get  my  living  by  my  modesty,  yet  it  is 
very  convenient  even  for  great  knaves,  to  have  some 
respect,  for  the  character  of  being  consistent  in  their 

knavery." 

The' honest  Squire  was  ansv.ercd  by  abroad  laugh. 
Jacques  thought  it  very  extraordinary,  that  a  man  who 
was  so  well  paid  for  his  work,  should  talk  about  consis- 
iency, '-  for  so  long  said  he  as  you  get  constant  employ 
at  your  profession,  whul  is  the  use  of  prating  about  mo- 
desty or  conscience.     One  might  well  suppose  that  a 
man,  who  had  so  roundly  and  so  often  declaied,  that 
the  Berlin  and  Milan  decrees  were  revoked,  in  contra- 
diction to  positive  and  practical  proof,  backed  by  the 
declaration  of  Nap  liim self,  might  be  prepared  to  assert 
any  thing.     As  long  as  we  are  co'isistent  in  our  exer- 
tions and  devices  to  hold  our  places,  and  secure  the 
emoluments,  let  consistency  be  wanting  wherever  els^ 
it   may.     Modesty !    indeed !    a  wretch,  who  lives  by 
lying;  lies  for  a  living  and  lives  to  We,  to  talk  about 
modesty,  or  be  squeemish  about  falling  in  love  with  what 
]\e  has  s©  zealously  labored  to  make  every  body  hate, 


6S 


Jietrays  a  weakness  which  I  should  have  supposed  this 
fellow,  one  of  the  last  to  be  suspected  of"  In  short, 
all  agreed  that  as  it  was  formerly  expedient  to  decry  a 
navy  in  order  to  obtain  office,  it  was  now  as  absolutely 
necessary  for  them  to  support  it,  in  order  to  keep  their 
©ffices.  None  but  fools  and  zealots  would  deny  the 
doctrine  "that  the  end  justifies  the  mcnnsj"  and  if  it 
was  justifiable,  by  any  means  to  obtain  office,  certainly 
there  can  be  no  measures,  which  it  were  not  justifiable 
to  adopt,  to  secure  and  retain  it. 

it  was  thought  best  however,  to  say  as  little  about  the 
navy  as  possible — to  keep  bcastiiig  of  its  exploits — 
sing  out  "  free  trade  and  Sailors  rights"  in  every  corner, 
and  attribute  our  good  fortune,  whether  by  land  or 
water,  chiefly  to  the  justice  of  our  cause,  and  tlie  con- 
summate wisdom  of  the  counsels  which  directed  every 
measure. 

Much  was  said  about  that  modern  Pharaoh,  Tom 
Boston,  who  would  not  let  the  people  go;  but  it  was 
priidently  concluded  that  as  he  had  cited  a  former 
opinion  of  the  present  Chief  Steward  in  defence  of  his 
"conduct,  it  was  best  to  let  the  matter  rest.  The  disas^ 
tcrs  in  the  North  were  bewailed,  in  tones  between 
jjrowling  and  whining ;  but  great  hopes  were  entertained 
from  the  expedition  which  was  then  preparing  under  the 
gallant  Smvte-us-off,  who,  being  born  and  bred  in  a 
warmer  climate,  would  not  suffer  from  the  plilcgm  and 
irresolution  of  the  Northern  Captains. 

To  this  brilliant  and  decisive  expedition  we  now  has- 
ten with  all  1*^  ardor  of  historic  frenzy,  confident  the 
admirer  of  da.  ng  and  romantic  Jidventures  will  find  an 
ample  reward  for  the  trouble  we  shall  give  him  in  pur- 
ijuing  its  details.    The  brave  Field  Marshal  had  made 


'ft 


I 


t 

I 


69 

the  science  of  war  his  study  in  his  retirement,  and  so 
exact  was  he,  in  all  his  calculations,  that  it  was  said  he 
could  estimate  to  an  Iialf-pint,  the  quantity  of  water  that 
would  be  necessary  to  fill  the  surrounding  ditch  of  a 
mole-hillock,  and  determine  within  a  quart,  the  quantity 
requisite  to  drown  the  groping  tenants  from  their  sub- 
terraneous palace,  and  drench  their  velvet  jackets. 

From  the  realms  of  Tobacco,  with  an  eye  fired  with 
the  love  of  Glory,  and  a  lieart  ready  to  burst  with 
courage — a  head  filled  with  military  science  to  the  fourth 
story,  and  a  breast  burning  like  a  coalpit  with  patriotism, 
our  Hero  bent  his  course  toward  the  theatre  of  action. 
Volunteers  flocked  after  him  from  all  quarters,  like 
children  after  a  show-man,  or  boys  in  the  train  of  an 
Elephant.  The  abortive  attempts  that  had  been  made, 
served  only  to  enhance  the  credit  of  a  succeeding  en- 
terprise, and  such  a  fund  of  g^ory,  i7i  irrosvecUi,  was 
placed  before  the  greedy  ambition  of  adventurers,  that, 
although  Uncle  Sam's  paper  scarcely  went  at  par,  the 
stock  in  this  Glory  or  Laurel  fujul,  sold  readily  at  two 
Jiundred  per  cent. 

Julius  Cesar  writes  of  himself,  (boastful  fellow  ?)  "  I. 
came,  1  saw,  I  conquered."    Our  Hero,  imitating  and 

surpassing  Cesar,  came,  and  saw,  and issued  a 

tremendous  proclamation.  It  was  near  the  close  of  the 
saucy  month  of  October ;  the  frost  had  dready  nipped 
every  vegetable  but  the  evergreen,  and  chilkd  every 
drug  but  the  cordials  of  Cupid,  and  the  essences  of  Pat- 
riotism. Standing  on  the  brink  of  the  modern  Styx,  at 
the  utmost  boundaries  of  the  fields  of  Stofile,  the  valiant 
Knight  let  off  the  following  expectoration  of  windy 
verbosity  from  his  breJist. 


kl 


mm 


f 


70 

«  Men  of  Stoffle's  Land  ! 
in  a  few  days  I  shall  plant  the  standard  of  Uncle 
Sam,  in  the  heart  of  the  Snowfields.     I  have,  with  me  a 
powerful  force,  almost  as  many  as  I  could  wish ;  but, 
knowing,  as  I  do,  your  attachment  to  our  beloved  Uncle, 
and  your  passion  for  adventures,  I  would  accept  of  a  few 
of  you,  if  you  offer  soon,  merely  for  sake  of  company, 
and  that  you  may  look  on,  and  be  able  to  teach  your 
sons  how  to  conquer.     I  shall  most  certainly  take  all 
the  possessions  of  Bull  from  him  ;  I  will  leave  him  nei- 
ther hide  nor  hair,  root  or  branch.     I  will  not  promise 
you  there  will  be  no  fighting;  but  I  will  engage  it  shall 
not  last  long,  for  I  have  fixed  the  time  when  I  will  be  at 
Quebec,  even  to  a  day.     Perhaps  you  may  be  discour- 
aged by  the  failure  of  two  attempts  already  made ;  take 
heart  my  lads,  the  fault  was  not  in  the  troops,  but  in 
those  who  led  them.     <  Tiie  Commanders  were  popular 
men ;  but  destitute  alike  of  theory  or  experience  m  the 
art  of  war.'     Come  then  !  and  put  yourselves  under  my 
direction,  for  a  little  tnne.     I  promise  you  good  treat- 
ment, but  you  must  expect  to  be  subject  to  wholesome 
discipline.     *  Come  in  companies,  in  half  companies,  in 
pairs  or  single,  and  I  will  organize  you  for  a  short  tour.' 
Come  on  foot,  come  on  horseback,  come  in  carts,  come 
in  waggons,  and  let  some  persons  come  with  you  to  take 
each  vehicle  of  conveyance  back.      Come,  bringing 
provisions  sufficient  to  serve  ycu  for  four  or  five  days, 
and  I  promise  you,  to  give  you  an  opportunity  to  eat 
them  up.     Come  then  and  share  in  that  rich  harvest  of 
glory,  into  which  I   am   about  to   thrust  the  sickle. 
Another  opportunity  for  so  splendid  an  entcrprize,  will 
not  offer  during  your  lives.     And  how  will  your  bosoms 
iht^A  >^-itJi  anguish  heieaftery  when  you  shall  fold  your' 


71 


arms  anci  gay,  '  Canada  is  conquered  j  tlie  laurels  atfr 
all  gathered,  and  /  was  not  there/  " 

Our  adventurer,  as  might  be  judged,  soon  collected  a 
motley  multitude  around  him.     There  you  might  see 
old  fellows  with  rusty  guns,  and  young  fops  and  foplings, 
without  any  arms,  only  waiting  for  preferment,  hanging 
round  the  Knight's  palace,  to  catch  if  possible,  a  nod  or 
a  smile  from  his  Eolian  Majesty.     Volunteers  of  all 
ranks  and  descriptions  were  flocking  to  his  standard. — 
One  had  a  gun,  another  a  bayonet  fixed  at  the  extremi- 
ty of  a  broom-stick ;  a  third  a  cartridge  box,  a  fourth  a 
knapsack,  a  fifth  a  canteen,  and  sixth  a  knotted  club. — 
Of  clothing,  some  had  coats,  others  shirts ;  some  had 
shoes,  and  others  stockings.   And  some,  to  make  amends 
for  the  absence  of  all  these  precious  articles,  had  a  blanket. 
In  the  Camp  all  was  hurry,  bustle  and  confusion.     The 
troops  were  daily  exercised  in  all  the  important  tactics 
and  evolutions  necessary  to  their  approaching  enter- 
prize.     Mock  skirmishes,  furious  onsets,  marches,  coun- 
termarches, advances  and  retreats.     In  these  operations 
many  individual  disasters  occurred  ;  here  was  a  whiskey 
cart  overset;  there   a  gaming  establishment  routed. 
In  one  part,  a  party  of  Military  Belles  disturbed,  in 
another,  a  drunken  soldier  trampled  in  the  mud.     Day 
after  day  was  fixed  on  for  the  purpose  of  crossing  the 
river  Styx.     Peter  the  fisherman,  was  engaged  to  act  as 
Charon,  and  invested  by  Count  Turn-skin,  with  all  the 
powers  requisite  to  constitute  him  Stygian  Admiral,  and 
Ferryman  of  souls,  (for  in  many  instances  there  wag 
little  use  to  embark,)  and  every  wherry,  that  plied  on 
the  Stygian  waters,  was  stamped  with  the  impri-matttr 
of  requisition.     At  length  the  eocpectata  dies,  the  wislied 
for  day  arrived.    The  boats  were  ready  j  the  comman- 


y 


«a 


V..- 


i  a 


) 


ders  were  ready— the  land  of  Promise  lay  in  full  view* 
Conquest  invited,  Glory  beckoned,  duty  urged  ;.  Patriot- 
ism stimulated,  the  harvest  was  ripe; — but  alas!  the 
Reapers, — the  Volunteers,  had  run  away,  the  night  be- 
fore. Will  posterity  treat  it  as  a  fact,  or  spurn  it  as  a 
calumny  ;  that  sons  of  Whiskey,  from  the  farm  of  the 
immortal  Broadbrim,  having  emptied  their  Canteens  of 
all  the  genuine  whiskey,  the  aqua  twitch-eye,  which  tliey 
brought  with  them  from  home,  decamped  in  one  night — 
not  by  half  «  companies,"  in  «  pairs"  or  «  singles"  but 
by  hundreds,  bag  and  baggage,  officers  and  men,  and  left 
this  vast  harvest  of  glory  to  rot  on  the  ground.  Yet 
such  is  the  fact ;  I  assert  it  with  all  the  long-favored 
gravity  of  an  historian.  Various  conjectures  have  been 
started  as  to  the  true  cause  of  this  premature  decompo- 
sition of  our  Knight's  army.  Some  asserted  that  he  put 
the  yeast  into  the  Beer  too  soon  ;  others  that  he  put  in 
too  much ;  others  that  he  should  not  have  drawn  the 
corks  so  soon ;  but  away  with  these  whim-whanis,  the 
historian  will  give  his  opinion.  Every  hcer-woman 
knows  that  this  beverage  in  its  working  state,  is  in 
danger  of  throwing  out  the  corks,  or  of  bursting  its 
containers  whenever  a  thunder-gust  comes  r  ?r.  Now 
Bull  had  roared  most  tremendously  for  several  days,  on 
the  other  side  the  Styx.  Knowing  the  fate  that  was 
preparing  for  him,  he  put  on  a  voice  of  thunder,  by 
which  means,  out  ^ew  the  stoppers  and  all  the  fixed  air; 
the  patriotism  evaporated,  i  scaped,  and  broke  away.— • 
And  those  who  came  as  Voluiteers,  went  away  as  such, 
—true  sons  of  freedoiTi,  choosing  their  own  time  foi- 
action. 


Bi 


7S 

SONG, 

By  one  of  iJie  Fugitive,  Voluntavs. 

W  fiAT-s  freedom,  think  ye  ?— to  resign 

Ourselves  to  others'  will? 
Without  the  license  to  repine, 

At  pail),  or  ihrcat'ning  ill  ? 

Can  iVeedom  heal  a  batterM  shin  j 

Restore  our  broken  wind  ? 
Remove  one  puncture  from  our  skin^ 

Or  calm  a  frighten'd  mind  ? 

We  volunteerM  to  show  our  love 
For  loar,  and  not  CovJigJiting ; 

Nor  Patriotism  itself  can  prove. 
Beyond  this  point,  inviting. 

Fool-hardy  wretch,  that  waits  the  blow^ 

'Till  forc'd,  at  last,  to  yield, 
He  oflers  the  pursuing  foe. 

His  breeches  for  a  shield. 

Far  wiser  he,  that  shuns  the  strife, 
And  prudent,  bends  to  reason  ; 

Weighs  well  the  value  of  his  lii'e. 
And  learns  to  run  in  season. 


\, 


The  coward  only,  ever  fears 
The  loss  of  reputation  j 

This  loss  the  real  Hero  bearS; 
With  harden'cl  rt      nation. 


I 


■^^1^^^^^^^ 


74" 


.79 


It  is  Ciulte  to  our  purpose  to  ineiUion  here,  how  vet  y 
Ibrtunate  it  was,  ou  the  present  occasion,  that  (he  FielU 
iMarshal,  and  Peter  the  f;sheriiiai7,  had  separate  com- 
mands in  this   memorable   expedition.     Tills  circum- 
stance enabled  them  to  throw  the  blame  on  each  other, 
>vhicli  they  did,  with  so  much   dexterity,   that   Uncle 
Sam  knew  not  against  whicli  to  direct  liis  reproaches : 
for,  indeed,  they  threw  the  charges  of  "  incapacity 
and  "  cowardice,"  with  such  rapidity  to  each  othcr> 
that  our  Uncle   sat,  rolling  his  huge  eyes  first  at  one, 
then  at  the  other,  like  a  kitten,  watching  tlie  pendulous 
motion  of  a  ball  of  yarn,  that  in  the  end,  he  grew  wea- 
ry and  sick  of  both  of  tliem,   and  utterly  refused  to  in- 
stitute any  enquiry  into  the  causes  of  the  failure  of  the 
expedition. 

Shortly  after  this,  certain  cae^cs  rendered  it  necessa- 
ry for  the  wise  ones  again  to  convene  at  the  great  wig- 
wam. Very  important  and  urgent  matters  presented 
themselves  for  deliberation.  Among  the  most  promi- 
nent of  thes^  were  the  misfortunes  of  our  friend  Nap. 
This  fellow  had  raised  himself  from  an  obscure  statioo 
in  life,  to  the  command  of  a  great  empire  ;  and  being^ 
deeply  skilled  in  the  art  of  war,  he  subjugated  the  na* 
tions  around  liim  and  put  them  all  under  tribute,  ex- 
cepting John  Bull,  and  Alexander  Bearskin,  who  being 
stubborn  dogs,  would  not  so  readily  submit  to  his  au- 
thority. As  he  could  not  readily  get  at  Bull  he  deter- 
mmed  fir  i  to  humble  Alexander,  who  assisted  John  in 
all  his  undertakings.  For  this  purpose  he  collected  an 
immense  army,  and  marched  into  his  territory,  or,  as 
it  is  sometimes  called  the  land  of  Muscovy,  determined 
to  plunder  and  burn  the  whole  country.  'But  the  surly 
Muscovite  had  employed  a  Commander  to  manage  the, 


If 


W 


■■'**' 


KB 


75 


,» 


1 


contest  tlial  brought  the  advenluious  Corsican  iiito  se- 
rious diliicuhy.     Nap  was  met  at  the  confines  of  the  iii- 
Taded  territories,  and  his  progress  obstinately  disputed 
at  every  advance,  until  his  wearied  and  wasted  army 
reached  Moscow,  the  place  of  its  destruction.     To  this 
the   bloody  fields  of  Smolensko,  Bercsiiia,  and  many 
other  places,  will,  for  ages  to  come,  bear  melancholy 
witness.     The  vast  and  comprehensive  mind  of  Kutusoff 
was  perhaps  the  only  one  of  all  its  cotemporaries,  ca- 
pable of  conceiving,   maturing,   and   of  carrying  into 
complete  effect,  a  plan  on  whicli  depended  the  happi- 
ness  of  Europe,— the  freedom  and   independence  of 
the  world.     He  retreated  indeed  before  the  enemy,  in- 
"  tb  the  heart  of  his  own  countiy,  like  a  flood  rolliiig  back 
upon  its  own  resources.     Behind   him  was  desolation  ; 
before  him  the  earth  trembled.     War  had  assumed  his 
most  gigantic  form— his  most  terific  features.     Ambi- 
tion, on  either  side,  prompted  to  the  most  daring  enter- 
prizes  and  urged  to  mightiest  eflbrts.     At  a  single  bat- 
tle whole  nations  were  annihilated,  who.j  provinces  de- 
stroyed.    The   noble   Russian,    whose   temples    were 
bleached  by  the  frosts  of  fourscore  winters,  viewed  the 
wasted  province,  the  deserted  village,  tlie  smoking  city, 
with  dignified  composure,  not  because  his  heart  was  in- 
sensible ;  but   lie   regarded  these,  as  only  partial  and 
temporary  evils,  compared  with  the  magnitude  and  im- 
portance of  the   objects  in  contest.     The  self-dubbed 
Emperor  reached  Moscow.     The  crafty  Kutusoff  with 
his  powerful  army  had  retired  to  the  Southeast,  and  ef- 
fectually cut  off  every  resource,  and  every  prospect  of 
supphes.     Moscow   was   a  captive  city ;  a  desert  ;  a 
hermitage,  and  the  funeral  pile  of  the  Tyrant's  power, 
almost  at  the  same  instant.    He  had  no  resource  but  ia 


%i. 


'« 


•1 


76 

fliglit—an  ignomhiioiis  rout,  which  was  designed  to  show 
h.s  d.sgrace  in  detail  and  prove  tlie  terrible  consun)ma- 
tion  of  his  ruin.     The  flames  of  this  queen  of  cities, 
glided  til    pathway  to  the  emancipation  of  nations~to 
the  happiness  of  mankind.     From  it,  the  altar  of  free- 
dom   was   ignited  and  sent   its  blaze  to  the  heavens. 
iVot  a  solitary  nation  in  the  old  world,  but  hailed  this 
epoch  as  the  jubilee  of  Europe,  and  sent  up  its  oOerina 
of  gratitude  to  the  great  Dispenser  of  mercies.     Humant 
ity  poured  forth  tears  of  joy  as  she  beheld  the  day  of 
deliverance  to  the  captive  approach.     In  this  devebpe- 
ment  of  the  vast  designs  of  Intinite  Wisdom,  the  gen- 
lus  of  freedom  rejoiced  at   the  beneficent  purposes  of 
Divine  Providence,  towards  a  guilty  world,  and  extend- 
ed her  arms  to  vast  communion  of  socird  man. 

He,  who  had  for  twenty  years,  chased  repose  from 
Europe,  and  poured  out  her  blood  as  water,  was  in  his 
turn,  brought  to  taste  the  cup  of  affliction  and  to  escape 
for  Ins  life.     He,  who  a  few  months  before  drove  ins 
chariot  wheels  over  thousands  of  slain,  now  found  his 
way  blocked  up  by  enemies,  and  the  perishing  remains 
of  his  own  army,  and  was  compelled  to  fly  almost  uiat- 
tended,  before  the  unwearied  pursuit  of  armies,  whom 
his  own  ambition  had  made  his  foes,  and  on  whom  the 
pale  ghost  of  murdered  millions,  called  for  ven<reance 
And  who,  the  future  historian  will  ask,  commiserated 
the  monster?   What  nation,  that  had  heard  his  name 
tnourned  his  disasters,  or  awarded  him  its  sympathy  ? 
Not  one.     No-accursed  as  is  the  moral  condition  of 
man,  that  natto7i  has  not  been  found,  who  could  deplore 
his  fall.     That  nation  could  not  long  exist  who  could  be 
guilty  of  such  rebellion  against  reason-such  impiety 
towards  Heaven.    One  Government,  one  Cabinet  only, 


t-'*°w^t. 


.  ,.  .^fe"'~' 


w 

blush  O  .Sun,)  ^ hose  plans  of  self-aggrandizejiicnt  MCie 
not  yet  consummated ;  whose  deeds  of  wickedness 
«  hated  the  light/'  "  mourned  in  secret."  One  govern- 
ment ! — But  it  was  not  the  Turkish — not  a  chin  of  the 
Savages — nor  even  the  herding  Brutes — no ;  the  faithful 
pencil  of  history  proudly  exempts  tlieni  from  so  foul 
reproach.  ^      - 

But  who  ? — the  Index  of  truth  shall  point  it  out, — In- 
famy shall  imprint  its  name  with  dyes  prepared  from 
the  mud  of  Cocytus,  its  stains  shall  grow  deeper  through 
descending  ages; — the  waters  that  drowned  the  world 
could  not  bleach  out  the  dishonor ;  nor  the  stream  of 
Lethe  destroy  its  memory. 


i 


\ 


% 


r 


CHAPTER  IX. 


1  I 


If 


I 


m 


^ANGRADO'S  SPECIAL  CARE  OP  HIS  MASTER — A  VILLAGE 
BAR-ROOM — SPEECH  OP  AN  OLD  SQLDIBR — FAMILY  CON- 
FERENCE. 

Amidst  such  a  multitude  of  disasters,  treading  on  the 
heels  of  each  other,  it  became  necessary  to  keep  a 
constant  eye  on  Uncle  Sam,  and  lest  he  should  grow 
v.eary  of  the  sport,  to  keep  a  perpetual  distillation  of 
encouragement  dropping  in  his  ear.  Sangrado,  to  whom 
belonged  the  duty  of  reconnoitering  the  feelings  of  his 
adopted  Uncle,  was  admirably  fitted  for  his  office.  A1I> 
indeed  that  could  be  fairly  expected  from  an  obstinate 
and  mulish  adherence  to  his  own  opinion,  aided  by  the 
most  exact  discipline  might  be  justly  counted  on,  yet 
still  would  the  unseasoned  warrior,  although  not  deficient 
in  courage,  sometimes  throw  back  his  eyes,  and  softly 
wish  he  had  never  embarked  in  the  contest. 

When  this  happened,  he  was  told  by  his  faithful  Squire, 
that  it  was  dishonourable  to  retreat,  that  Glory  and 
Honor  must  be  searched  for,— neither  of  them  would 
search  after  higii.  The  Squire,  after  the  example  of  the 
Knight  of  La  Mancha,  had  invented  a  sovereign  remedy 
for  every  wound,  and  for  every  disease  excepting  a 
lean  purse,  and  a  crazy  reputation.  So  dexterous  and 
happy  was  his  genius,  and  so  pat  the  application  of  his 
faculties  to  every  emergency,  that  he  was  sometimes 
called,  by  way  of  distinction,  the  «  mental-mule-Doctor." 
Hi*  Dispensary  was  far  ?/Citer  p 


A,«  U/^tt/^1.  v»vr>i;i{led.  tho"  that  of 


>.? 


.  -Jt-r 


7$ 


ly 


Sl'-.V  '  oeare's  Apotliecaiy,  fov  instead  of  a  «  beggarly 
account  of  empty  boxes,"  he  could  show  a  sovereign 
remedy  for  all  the  wounds,  pustules  and  piipples  to  which 
the  consciences  of  Political  Sinnersywcrc  subject. 

If  Uncle  Snm  was  defeated,  he  would  immediately 
cry  out  Bravo !  never  hero  performed  so  well ! — and 
boldly  threaten  to  knock  the  first  man  down  that  con- 
tradicted him.     If  enlistments  went  on  slowly,  the  pros- 
perous state  of  the  country,  and  the  high  price  of  labor 
was  the  obstacle.     If  the  loans  were  not  filled,  Tom 
Boston  was  sure  to  take  a  cursing.    Whenever  Uncle 
Sam's  paper  fell,  Toryism  and  British  gold  were  tlie 
causes,  and  whenever  the  justice  of  the  war  was  called 
in  question,  "  Free  trade   ind  Sailors  rights,"  wjis  the 
answer.     Our  faithful  Squire  curled  liis  apothecary's 
shop  in  his  head;  his  intellectual  cordials,  his  "  mental 
balsams"  his  "corn-plasters  for  the  conscience,"  his 
"  fever  powders  for  the  brain,"  his  "  grand  restoratives 
for  courage,"  his  "  treasury  blister  salve,"  and  his  genu- 
ine itch  ointment  prepared  to  cure  the  "itch  after 
office."     Who  would  not  willingly  consent  to  be  sick,  to 
have  such  a  physician,  and  such  attendance  ? 

But  the  scientific  gravity  of  history  is  bound  to  en- 
quire :  how  could  enlistments  have  a  chronical  progress 
in  so  glorious  a  cause  ?  If  words  had  been  hailstones, 
and  had  fallen  in  a  single  shower  on  the  heads  of  the 
BuUites,  then, indeed, they  had  been  ground  to  powder  in 
half  an  hour;  and  the  business  of  recruiting  ,\^ould  have 
had  no  place.  But  as  the  proverb  says,  "  words  speak 
in  a  whisper,  and  actions  through  a  trumpet."  Every 
one  knows,  that  when  an  enterprise  of  such  magnitude 
is  set  on  foot,  which  depends  for  its  success  on  popular 


-- -3-- ^   Ti  ilil  •fii.vtiv  ^J^v    .^' "•j*.i»".'.--»tij 


V.'L'iUIViJ*  iV    IS  f.lt.1    Hll^ijn.i.liH,  W  (4V 


'~x. "*',""  7 


80 


It! 


r 


r  f 


— :to  act  cautiously  and  slowly — and  tliat  one  half  the 
Buttle  is  won  bv  ^'raising  the  wind,"  as  it  is  called  t-^ 


the  PTeat  art  oi'  W; 


in  any  government,  consist.?  in  its 
Demg  popular,  and  how  can  a  thing  be  made  popular, 
without  talking  about  it  to  the  people  ?  mid  how  can  we 
have  talk  witliout  words,  and  how  con  we  have  words 
without  wind  ?  the  very  sinnmum  hoimm  of  nine  tenths 
of  the  words  that  arc  used.  Every  Blacksmith  will  tell 
you  that  no  man  can  blow  the  bellows,  and  '^•'strike, 
^vliilc  the  iron  is  hot,''  siinultaneouslv,  at  one  and  the 
same  time.  And  Thomas  the  ^Magician,  t]:e  w  isest  man 
that  ever  ran  away  in  the  day  of  battle,  can  declare  how: 
difficult  it  is  to  qKulc  well  and  act  well  at  tl<e  same  time  5 
nay  from  his  o.vn  experience  conld  pronounce  how  near 
.1  jipproaches  to  an  impossibility,,  to  perform  wliat  we 
i.iuve  provdscd  especially  if  we  have  made  fair  andj'Zar 
'ering  prv)mi;;es. 

The  author  of  those  wonderful  adventures  recollect;? 
.hat  one  day  ns  lie  was  silting  in  the  bar-room  of  a  vil- 
'■\^c  Hotel,  where  a  Lieutenant  in  the  recruiting  service 
jmd  takoi  his  lodgings,  he  found  Inmsc^lf  suddenly  sur- 
rounded by  bar-room  politicians,  who  either  moved  by 
;trinciple;0r  the  desire  of  being  noticed  by  the  Lieuten- 
ant, who  w-jy  strutting  across  the  room  witii  a  segar  in 
.his  mouth :  all  approved  much  of  the  war,  and  highly 
commended  the  wisdom  and  prudence  w  ith  which  it  was 
conducted.  Among  a  quorum  of  speakers,  the  attention 
©f  the  learned  auditory  was  soon  monopolized  by  a  man, 
who  appeared  to  be  turned  of  fifty,  (and  to  the  authors 
knowledge  had  turned  down  many  a  glass  of  grog  in 
that  bar-room,)  not  less  from  the  consequence  he  assum- 
ed, than  from  an  eniphatical  d — n  it,  with  which  lie 
r  oyndcd  every  period*    Having  modestly  confessed  that 


8X 


tie  Bad  borne  arms,  in  the  Revolution,  and  proffered  liis 
service  again,  if  the  "  necessity  of  the  case^^  required,  he 
went  on  to  pi-bve,  that  our  contest  with  Bull,  was  a 
war  of  defence,  and  that  invading  his  territories,  in  the 
present  instance,  was  an  act  of  retaliatory  justice,  in  all 
respects  defensible.  That  he  was  surprised  that  any 
one  should  think  otherwise ;  that  we  had  certainly  a 
right  according  to  the  example  of  Bull  hiniseif  to  pun- 
ish an  aggressor;  even  through  the  njedium  of  an  unof- 
fending neutral.  But  he  would  not,  he  said,  conlbund 
national  with  moral  law,  nor  had  hc/iny  occasionally  the 
present  case,  to  resort  to  this  expedient ;  for  the  inhabi- 
tants of  Canada,  although  Colonists  of  the  Mother 
Country,  and  in  a  relative  sense,  only  Provincials;,  were, 
iiotwithstandiugy  morally  a  party  to  all  her  acts,  and 
liable  for  any  claim  which  miaht  be  cstal3]ishcd  acainst 
the  pUrent  Country.  Canada  wr-s  a  limb,  a  nien:bcr  of 
the  animal  who  had  oflended  us,  and  it  vas  ridiculous 
he  said,  for  any  one  to  pretend  that  because  we  could 
not  '=!Gize  the  animal  by  the  hoins  or  heard,  we  mi<ihi 
not  therefore  lay  hold  of  the  opj)osite  exlreniity.  'With 
this  view  of  the  subject  he  declared  himself  gr(  ally  st:;- 
prised  that  the  army  should  not  be  inmiediately  filled 
up,  and  he  was  confident  that  after  his  countrymen  had 
had  time  to  reason  properly  on  the  subject,  tliere  would 
be  no  difficulty  in  cnlistmg  men.  If  however,  go\ern- 
ment  coukl  not  obtain  men  by  enlistments,  he  dechued 
himself  in  favor  of  forcible  measures,  such  r.s  t'lrv  ha\e 
in  France — they  raise  an  army  in  a  hurry  there — they 
U!U^erstand  it,  d — ii  it.  At  the  close  of  this  harangue,  a 
form  appeared, — a  man  venerable  for  liis  years;  his 
pace  "  slowlv  solemn  bv  length  of  days,-'  introduced  his 

wasted  figure  into  tlic  company,  and  the  instmctive  re- 

a  #  * 


S 


a 


rss*B!aBS3a--*;- 


If!: 


ri 


r?     s' 


82 

spect  due  to  age,  detached  our  eyes  from  the  speaker, 
and  for  a  moment  perhaps  prevented  reply.    Tlie  vene- 
rable whiteness  of  the  strangers  locks,  bespoke  him 
"  worthy  of  four  score,"  he  was  helped  to  a  chair,  and 
was  no  sooner  seated  than  he  began.    "  The  war — the 
war,  I  suppose  you  are  speaking  of  Gentlemen,  for  I 
listened  a  moment  at  the  door  as  I  came  in.     Well,  I 
have  been  through  two  wars,  1  am  too  old  now, — I  was 
a  soldier  in  the  old  French  war,  I  was  three  years  in  the 
var  of  the  Revolution.-^But,  some  how,  we  had  diffes- 
Bnt  times  then,  those  wars  were  more  popular  than  this> 
bounty  was  less,  wages  were  less,  the  population  of  the 
country  was  nothing  to  what  it  is  at  present,  yet  enlist- 
ments went  on,  the  army  was  filled  up,  there  was  not 
half  the  opposition  to  those  wars,  that  we  see  now." — 
<*  But  interrupted  our  former  speaker,  did  not  the  same 
•  men  oppose  the  war  of  the  revolution,  that  oppose  this> 
the  torics."— Aye,  the  tories  resumed  the  sage,  but  foF 
Ihe  ingenuity  of  some  of  our  modern  politicians,  I 
iiiould  have  supposed  that  the  office  of  tory  was  vacated 
at  tlie  treaty  of  peace,  which  acknowledged  us  indepen- 
dent •,  but  as  I  perfectly  recollect  all  the  circumstance^ 
attending  the  beginning  of  the  revolution,  I  will  inform 
vou,  concerning  the  causes  of  the  grand  division  of  out 
people  at  that  time  into  whigs  and  tories.— When  a 
revolution  first  commences,  it  is  rebellion,  after  it  pro- 
j;resses,  still  it  is  rebellion,  until  success  gives  it  charac- 
ter and  respectability.    In  the  commencement  of  all 
creat  changes,  energy  and  decision  are  essential  to  SQ- 
Aure  success,  let  the  cause  be  good  or  bad.    The  phi- 
losopher reasons,  the  snge  deliberate;?:,  the  multitude  act* 
Reason  may  be  the  kgislaiive,  but  tlie  mob  must  be  the 
«jc<cwf»v<J  power.    Wbskt  is  t:eroieU  jnudcnce  and  prompt 


,.*',:.rf»*  -^-- 


8a 


i 


titude  therefore,  in  plan,  often  becomes  cruelty  and 
frenzy,  in  execution.    The  oppressive  measures  of  the 
British  Parliament  were  resisted,  as  indeed  they  deserv- 
ed ;  but  to  give  to  the  abhorrence  of  them,  the  greatest 
possible  weight,  it  seemed  necessary  to  the  sagacious 
many,  that  full  utterance  should  be  given  to  an  undivid- 
ed and  unanimous  denunciation.     Committees  of  safety 
were  therefore  constituted  in  every  town,  parish  and 
borough,  as  conservators  of  the  public  weal,  to  take  care 
that  the  embryo  «  republic  should  receive  no  detriment.'' 
These  municipal  tribunals  were  composed  of  men  whose 
feiith  was  strong,  and  whose  resolution  was  unquestiona- 
ble ;  not  always  indeed,  did  the  wisdom  of  Mentor,  or 
the  philosophic  honesty  of  Aristides  characterize  their 
measures;  but  zeal,  with  or  without  knowledge;  zeal 
was  not  merely  the  evidence,  but  tlie  Teaven  of  patriot- 
ism.   I  need  be  at  no  pains  to  demonstrate  to  you,  that 
it  is  impossible  for  any  subject,  even  of  the  highest 
national  importance,  to  appear  in  the  same  ligat  to  all. 
The  greatest  simphcity  of  features  may  distinguish  it ; 
ye*  the  difference  of  constitutions,  habfts,  education, 
manners,  local  and  national  attachment  and  prejt<uice^, 
wW  give  it  all  the  capricious  hues  of  prismatic  v.riety. 
Very  few  comparatively  at  that  tim.',  atte»T>     d  to  jus- 
tify the  oppressive  measures  of  the  parent  state.     But 
iiome  were  disposed  to  temporize— wait  events — and 
proceed  with  caution.   Otheii  considered  that  to  repeat 
our  petitions  for  redress  might  be  better  than  immediate 
resistance.     And  not  a  few,  some  of  whom  were  allowed 
to  be  good  judges,  p  ognosticated  an  idnsuccessful  issue 
to  the  contest, — they  feared  the  infa  ,t  would  be  crushed 
by  the  first  effort  of  the  veteran  an^'      .ilful  adversary. 
y.;.flidity  and  doubt  were  construed  uiSiiTection;  disaf" 


Vi 


m 


I 


( 


IV 


84 

fection  to  so  good  a  cause  was  overt  treachery,  to  doubtj, 
therefore,  was  literally  "  to  be  damned.'*  Like  a  school- 
master, who  treats  the  timid  and  stammering  child  with 
the  same  severitj*  that  he  inflicts  on  the  perverse  and 
obstinate,  these  committees  of  safety,  proscribed  all 
whose  length  did  not  exactly  lit  their  iron  bed,  and  who 
could  not  pass  unsinged,  through  their  fiery  ordeal. 
When  it  is  recollected  that  these  tory- factories  were 
established  in  every  town,  and  that  each  prosecuted  its 
pious  labors  with  Inquisitorial  zeal,  it  cannot  be  won- 
dered that  a  host  of  internal  enemies  wore  procured^ 
against  the  most  sacred  cause,  that  ever  aroused  the 
zeal  and  enlisted  the  feelings  of  men.  He,  whether 
guilty  or  innocent,  who  is  persecuted  for  a  traitor,  who 
suffers  and  who  is  branded  as  a  traitor,  ctin  never  be 
reconciled  even  in  the  abstract  to  a  cause,  vvliich  has 
been  the  chief  agent  of  his  persecution,  and  of  prema- 
ture war  on  his  opinion.  I  am  not,  gentlemen,  con- 
demning the  measures  of  our  patriotic  fathers, — as  little 
would  I  even  be  thouglit  to  justify  those  who  opposed 
their  glorious  efforts  in  bringing  forward  the  revolutioa. 
I  am  only  proving  that  in  such  seusons  abuses  will  exist, 
and  "  that  offences  must  come,"  for  they  are  inseparable 
from  the  condition  of  man.  But  I  would  forever  de- 
nounce that  policy,  which,  at  this  late  day,  when  the 
fever  of  the  conflict  has  gone  over,  would  rekindle  the 
flame,  and  make  the  civil  war  of  passion  eternal.  A.t 
that  time,  far  the  greater  part  of  the  most  obnoxious> 
and  all  who  had  taken  an  active  part,  left  the  country. 
Most  of  them  now  are  buried  in  the  solitude  of  the  grave, 
and  are  beyond  the  reach  even  of  official  censure.  Witli 
regard  to  the  lew  who  were  permitted  to  remain  in  au 
inactive  state,  are  not  the  reproaches  of  their  countr}  - 
men  for  more  than  tiiirty  years,  a  sufficient  punishment 


i 


i0 


I'or  error  of  opinion?  You  liave  seen  ilicm  indeed,  since 
the  close  of  the  revolution,  uttite  themselves  with  Wash- 
ington, and  those  patriots  who  at  a  critical  and  fearful 
crisis  formed  our  Constitution. 

You  have  seen  them  arrange  theniselves  on  the  side 
of  order,  pending  three  dangerous  insurrections.     So- 
lon enacted  tliat  no.  one  should  speak  any  ill  of  the 
dead  ;  for  Ivnanity  teaches  us  to  spare  those  that  are 
no  more,   and   good  policy  should  prevent  hatred  from 
bcroining   iunnortal.     Dut    hatred   to  this  class  is  not 
ihe  ultimate  object  of  those  who  a]>iisc  it.     It  is  the  pol- 
icy of  the  ruling  parly  to  keep  up  the  spirit  of  reproach, 
and  transfer  the  odious  name  of  tory  to  all  those  wha 
oppose  their  measures.     To  effect  this  object  they  have, 
sacrificed  miihoiis   to  the  French  despot,  and  sold  the 
nation  to  liis  influence.     To  effect  this  they  have   de- 
clared war,  in  order  to  make  u  distinct  re-division  of 
the  people,  and  to  apply  to  them  the  revolutionary  no- 
menclature  of  ivhtg  and  tonj.     And  view  it  as  you  will, 
our  Rulers  are  at   this  moment   bemoaning  the  fallen 
fortunes  of  their  tutelar  saint  and  political  puppet-man- 
ager, with  very  imcrcitcd  tears  and  Spaniel  whining. 

Already  have  the  mandates  of  proscription  gon? 
forth,  and  attempts  have  been  made  by  the  parisites  ol* 
power,  and  expectants  of  otfice,  to  teaze  the  nation  in- 
to a  war-fever.  The  political  purgatory  has  sent  forth 
its  stench  from  near  the  ?cat  of  government ;  an  at- 
tempt  as  foolish  as  it  was  wicked  has  been  made  to 
stifle  the  voice  of  o|»inion.*    Those  who  oppose  this 

•  The  Bultimore  Massacre,  in  which  the  brave  General  Lin- 
gar  lost  his  life,  Mr.  Hanson  and  many  othevf  piled  up  for 
dead,  after  liavmg  destroyed  Mr.  Hangon*a  printing  office  J|nd 
committing  many  other  ontragei- 


h: 


\ «. 


?•.-% 


'   «rl 


I 


J\ 


« 


^.^ 


8i 

war  are  already  denounced  as  torics.    If  this  were  true, 
and  if  the  opposers  of  the  war  possessed  half  the  turpi- 
tude that  is  ascribed  to  thein,  10,000  of  the  enemy  s 
troops   would  march  over  the  country,  and  every  for- 
tress and  principal  city  in  the  Union  would  be  in  their 
hands  in  less  than  three  months.    If  our  rulers  them- 
selves  believed  what  they  are  endeavoring  to  make  the 
people  believe,  they  would   not   rest  qul-Jtly  in  their 
houses,  or  sleep  in  peace.     Under  such  circumstances 
can  any  one  wonder  why  the  army  is  not  filled  up  ? 
When  those  who  prepared  and  made  the  war  will  en- 
courage  it   only  by  words,  whither  are  we  to  look  for 
help  ?  do  you  expect  those  whom  you  have  branded  as 
tories  and  traitors  at  the  first  outset,  to  volunteer  in  your 
crusade  against  those  phantoms  wliich  our  aboiv.inable 
servility  against  tlie  French  despot  has  engendered  ? 
We  have  already  had  too  much  of  this  bar-room  patri- 
otism. 

The  result  of  this  contest  will  prove,  that  a  popular 
government  must  never  engage   in  war  without  the  un- 
divided assent  of  the  people.     It  is  even  questionable 
whether  England   who  has  made  war  her  trade,  ever 
engaged  in  it  witn  so  small  a  majority  as  our  Govern- 
ment have  in  this  instance.     Strengthened  as  the  Mon- 
arch is  by  a  powerful  aristocracy  and  fortified  by  an 
immense  civil  and  pension  rolls,  no   ministry  dares 
risque  a  war  in  defiance  of  as  respectable  and  powerful 
a  minority  as  are  now  in  opposition  *o  this  war.     The 
experience  of  our  present  rulers  will,  besides,  teach  thera 
this  truth,  that  their  present  supporters,  however  strongly 
they  advocate  the  war  in  opinion^  yet  they  go  no  further.. 
If  war  were  to  be  maintained  by  preaching  alone,  they 
would  support  it  to  admiration.    The  war-party  arc 


87 


•Vlj« 


-A 


giants  in  faith  aad  emmets  in  practice.    Yet  if  the  pe(h 
pie  have,  in  this  respect  deceived  their  rulers,  the  latter 
may  coDSole  themselves,  that  they  have  set  the  multi- 
titude  the  example.    Tliey  have  so  often  cried  «  Wolf" 
without    occasion,   to    serve  electioneering  purposes, 
that  the  kennel  of  courtiers  from  the  Major-general 
down  to  the  street  scavenger,  have  learned  to  bark  from 
instinct  rather  than  fiom  reason,  and  have  become  ac- 
customed to  testify  their  usefulness  and  fidelity  to  their 
masters,  by  the  exactness  of  the  time,  and  loudness  of 
their  notes,  in  returning  the  echo.     Do  not  think  gen- 
tlemen, that  I  am  the  advocate  ef  the  enemy.     I  know 
^nd  acknowledge  that  you  have  received  much  injury 
from  them,  for  which  you  are  entitled  to  redress.     And 
although  the  war  may  he  just  as  it  respects  the  enemy, 
yet  inasmuch  as  it  is  impossible  to  obtain  redress  in  the 
way  we  are  seeking  itj  war  could  not  be  expedient,  and 
if  not  expedient,  it  is  certainly  unjust,  as  it  respects  our- 
selves.    If  the  balance  of  human  evil  produced  by 
this  war  is  likely  to  be    against  us, — if  sacrifices  are 
required  of   us    without  any  prospect  of   an  equiva- 
lent, it  becomes  us  even  now  to  pause.     It  was  the  du- 
ty of  our  rulers  before  liiey  made  us  a  party  to  this 
conflict  to  enquire,  how  far  an  impartial  course  of  con- 
duct between  France  and  ||[pigland  would  have  prevent- 
ed many  injuries,  which   we  complain  of  having  re- 
ceived from  the  latter  power.     Our  administration  ea- 
sily made  tlie  people  believe  that  our  poor  Sailors  suf- 
fered no  serious  evil  by  being  plundered  and  immured 
in  the  dungeons  of  Bonaparte,  after  having  their  ships 
burnt  and  themselves  stripped  of  every  necessary  of 
life.     Nature  speaks  out  and  tells  us  that  the  miseries 
flffa  dungeon  are  the  same  whether  on  land  or  water,- 


I 


^' 


'^ 


r  't 


^-  ( 


L  h 


I 


88 

that  slavery  is  odious  however  disguised.  After  our 
Admiuistration  had  thus  succeeded  in  hardening  the 
hearts  of  their  supporters  against  the  miseries  oftlieir 
countrymen  in  one  instance^  it  is  demanding  too  much 
of  them  to  endeavour  to  excite  any  thing  more  than 
nominal  sympathy  by  bawhng  out  *  Free  trade  and 

Sailor^s  rights."  , ,  ^    ^ 

Tlie  family  Divan  having  again  assembled,  the  unity 
and  indivisibility  of  Uncle  Sam's  rights,  came  once  more 
under  notice.     The  lucky  thought  was  suggested  by  old 
Owen  (A  rat  of  great  age  and  still  greater  roguery  who 
had  gnawed  into  the  cabinet  to  keep  the  bows  and  ar- 
rows in  order)  that  it  might  be  proper  now,  smce  our 
friend  Nap  had  been  unfortunate,  to  lower  our  tone  and 
soften  down  our  demand.     The  Chief  Steward  and  his 
first  Clerk  opposed   an  immediate  abandonment  of  a 
single  claim  on  this  account,  "  inasmuch  as"  said  he, 
«  Tom  Boston  has  always  charged  us  with  having  a  se- 
cret understanding  with  Nap,  and  if  we  should  fall  in 
our  demands,  the  moment  we  see  our  friend  in  distress, 
that  circumstance  alone  would  go  very  far  to  prove  the 
charge  that  has  been  made  against  us.     It  is  no  way 
certain  that  our  friend,  tlH3  Champion  of  the  rights  of 
man,  has  utterly  fallen  ;  but  it  is  true  he  has  received 
a  most  sorrowful  drubbirtf    He  may  yet  recover  his 
strength.     But  if  I  knew  that  he  would  never  be  able 
to  make  anotlier  efibrt,  for  the  reasons  alrewiy  given, 
we  could  not  at  present  abate  a  single  claim.     We  must 
war  at  least  one  year  after  all  hope  of  assistance  from 
our  Corsicail  friend  is  forever  gone,  to  save  appearan- 
ces; to  make  Uncle  Sam  believe,  in  case  Nap  falls, 
that  we  never  had  any  connection  with  him.     But  in  the 
^vent  of  his  success,  we  shall  be  able  to  secure  aU  the 


_.i   1 


1}    .', 


^■.       •■•t 


w 


(Vfter  our 
ming  the 
s  of  their 
too  much 
more  than 
trade  and 

,  the  unity 
once  more 
ited  by  old 
guery  who 
ws  and  ar- 
,  since  our 
ir  tone  and 
trd  and  his 
iment  of  a 
s"  said  he, 
laving  a  se- 
ould  fall  in 
in  distress, 
to  prove  the 
is  no  >vay 
he  rights  of 
las  received 
recover  his 
ever  be  able 
reaidy  given, 
I.    We  raust 
istance  from 
e  appearan- 
Q  Nap  falls, 
.     But  in  the 
ecure  all  the 


^'•1 


•I 

4 


89 

objects  we  are  contending  for,  in  which  case  we  shall 
have  no  occasion  to  be  troubled  about  the  cliarge  of 
foreign  influence.  Another  consideration  was  of  some 
importance.  Nap  had  always  been  our  friend  and  good 
policy  forbids  us  to  cast  him  off  until  all  prospect  of  his 
being  further  useful  to  us  has  entirely  vanished."  Old 
Owen  replied.  He  said  he  had  never  had  any  very 
high  opinion  of  Nap's  friendship.  He  thought  he  had 
not  treated  us  with  mucii  delicacy  in  issuing  his  revo- 
cation of  liis  Decress  against  our  commerce  so  long  af- 
ter he  had  flattered  us  to  declare  them  void  by  procla- 
mation. This  measure  tended  very  much  to  make  us 
ridiculous  in  the  eyes  of  the  world.  The  matter,  said 
he,  stands  exactly  thus : — 

On  the  faith  of  a  plausible  French  story,  we  boldly 
step  forward  and  repeal  our  non-intercourse  as  it  re- 
spects France,  and  declare  his  Decrees  which  were  the 
cause  of  it,  void  at  the  same  time.  The  cause  we  took 
for  granted,  the  effect  we  made  absolute.  But  upon 
what  basis,  upon  what  foundation  did  we  so  hastily  ad- 
venture on  this  important  measure  ?  Why  upon  a  mere 
French  presumption,  that  we  should  cause  our  flag  to 
be  respected  by  the  enemy,  i.  e.  England.  This  preil- 
oils  coiiditioii  we  were  in  no  capacity  to  fuliil,  yet  we 
boldly  came  forward  and  assumed  the  non-efficacy  of 
the  obnoxious  Decrees  on  our  commerce,  and  seized  the 
good  will  of  our  crafty  ally  by  the  foretop.  We  made 
an  unconditional  repeal  of  our  non-intercourso  law, 
which  rej>eal  was  bused  on  a  contingent  and  subsequent 
event  which  might  or  might  not  take  place.  Now  what 
does  our  noble  ally  ?  Why  after  he  learns  tliat  war  was 
determined  on,  eighteen  mouths  after  date  of  our  procla- 
mation, he  comes  forward  and  declares  his  decrees  re- 

9 


h,] 


?r, 


^^ 


hi" 


IF 


J 


'■^i, 


\  • 


.4 

Ik 


90 

voked.    To  oblige  us  very  mucli,  and  help  us  out  of  the 
mud,  he  antedates  it  one  year ;  but  to  show  us  that  tins 
ws  an  act  of  pure  grace,  or  favor  in  him,  he  archly 
leaves  us  six  n:ontbs  in  the  vocative.    As  if  he  had  said, 
^*  Gentlemen  yo«  are  chargeable  with  just  eighteen 
months  of  folly,  I  generously  wipe  away  twelve  of  it, 
leaving  you  to  get  rid  of  the  other  third  part  as  you 
can-  But"— At  this  instant  Sangrado  came  in  and  the 
Chief  Steward  immediately  silenced  the  speaker,  by 
demanding  what  news  from  Uncle  Sam-What  was  his 
pulse  for  war  ?   Whether  he  thought  he  would  take  the 
field  in  earnest  ?     The  Squire  rephed  that  his  honored 
Knight  had  as  true  a  heart  as  ever  was  hooped  with  ribs, 
and  he  thought  something  of  a  military  turn;  but  he 
was  very  whimsical  at  times.    I  once  said  he  had  him 
fairly  mounted  on  his  Colt,  but  he  unluckily  pulled  only 
on  one  rein  of  the  bridle,  which  turned  his  Rozinante 
up  against  a  wall,  from  which  nothing  could  start  him. 
The  Knight  dismounted,  gave  him  a  hearty  cursing  and 
called  for  a  single  horse-waggon,  put  on  his  new  five 
hundred  dollar  Coat,  and  rode  about  to  see  the  troops. 
But  vou  must  know  gentlemen,  that  mine  Uncle  has 
some  odd  notions,  for  let  him  encamp  where  he  will,  he 
will  suffer  his  troops  to  lodge  under  no  tent  poles,  but 
such  as  are  brought  from  Pittsburg,  nor  use  any  vinegar 
or  molasses  but  what  is  transported  from  Boston.     He 
has  become  very  talkative  of  late,  says  a  great  deal  about 
the  justice  of  the  war,  the  tyranny  of  Bull,  and  the  glory 
that  will  be  acquired  in  conquering  the  liberty  of  the 
seas,  by  taking  Canada,  and  always  when  I  imagine  I 
have  him  piping  hot  for  the  battle,  I  am  momently  ex^ 
pecting  him  to  take  up  his  line  of  march,  some  unlucky- 
story  pops  into  his  mind,  which  roust  be  told  before  he 


91 


»ut  of  the 

that  this 
le  archly 
had  said, 

eighteen 
;lve  of  it, 
rt  as  you 
I  and  the 
eaker,  by 
at  was  his 
d  take  the 
is  honored 
I  with  ribs, 
■n;  but  he 
e  had  him 
pulled  only 

Rozinante 

start  him. 
:ursing  and 
lis  new  five 
the  troops. 

Uncle  has 
;  he  will,  he 
t  pole5,  but 
any  vinegar 
loston.  He 
It  deal  about 
nd  the  glory 
)erty  of  the 
I  imagine  I 
omently  ex- 
)me  unlucKy 
Id  before  he 


m 


can  start.    On  a  late  occasion,  when  an  important  bat- 
tle had  already  commenced,  when  indeed  nothing  but 
his  agency  was  wanting  to  secure  the  fruits  of  victory, 
the  old  blockhead,  was  earnestly  engaged  in  discussing 
a  Constitutional  question,  constructing  a  paper  breast 
work  before  his  kitchen  door,  and  examining  the  merits 
of  a  new  receipt  for  destroying  lice  on  calves.    No  man 
ever  spoke  better,  and  to  tell  the  plain  truth,  few  ever 
acted  worse.     I  have  given  him  a  regullar  course  of  lec- 
tures on  the  morality,  the  justice  and  expediency  of  the 
war,  and  what  effect  do  you  think  it  has  had  on  him  ? 
Why  he  says  our  cause  is  so  just  and  righteous,  that  we 
have  nothing  to  do  but  wait  the  interposition  of  Provi- 
dence— that  the  taking  of  Canada  is  a  mere  trifling  job, 
like  dressing  out  a  Cabbage  3: 


'!• 


can  be  done  at  any  time.  The  Chief  Steward  shook 
his  head,  threw  off  a  bladder  of  wind  from  his  stomachj 
rose  up  and  left  the  room. 

Now  reader  I  think  it  more  than  probable,  that  we 
may  have  the  next  Chapter  from  the  pen  of  Uncle 
Zachary,  for  I  have  just  observed  him  trimming  his  quill 
and  looking  very  thoughtful.  He  remarked  of  late  in  a 
surly  manner,  that  I  would  not  finish  a  history  in  an  age:^ 
We  shall  I  fancy  have  a  rapid  relation  of  events,  neatly 
t'^ondensed  in  his  best  Hebrew  manner. 


_J 


IMAGE  EVALUATION 
TEST  TARGET  (MT-S) 


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1.25 


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1.8 


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Photographic 


Corporation 


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23  WEST  MAIN  STREET 

WEBSTER,  NY.  14580 

(716)  a72-43U3 


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*     ^\ 


^'       i 


CHAPTER  X 

UNCLE  ZACHARY'S  CHRONICLE  OP  THE  WAR  iN  THt  NOUTir, 
THE  WEST  AND  THE  SOUTH— AND  WHILE  RKLATING 
THESE  MARVELLOUS  DEEDS,  HE  MAKETH  MANY  WISE 
REFLECTIONS. 

I .  And  in  those  days,  as  soon  as  it  was  seen  tluit  lliere 
would  be  war  between  Samuel  and  John,  behold  tl'.cre 
oarae  from  divers  parts  of  the  Country,  many  mighty 
men  of  valor,  unto  the  Chief  Steward  and  commuucd 

with  him: 

3.  And  said,  Lo  now  we  will  stand  by  tnec  and 
strengthen  thine  hand,  and  encourage  thine  heart  that^it 
faint  not.  Therefore  make  us  Captanis  of  thousands, 
and  Captains  of  hundreds,  and  of  fifties,  and  give  us 
wages,  and  we  will  subdue  thine  enemies  bciore  thee. 

3.  And  the  Chief  Steward  hearko.'d  unlo  tijcm  and 
did  so.     And  there  were  Captains  of  thousands,  and 

Captains  of  hundreds,  and  of  fifties,  and  of none  at 

all:;  even  a  multitude,  so  that  they  that  drew  the  sword 
were  more  than  they  that  drew  the  how. 

4.  Now  of  those  that  were  made  captains  of  hosts, 
or  e'hief  captains,  there  were  Henry  and  William  Hen- 
ry and  Jacob  and  Alexander,  who  warred  in  the  North 
and  in  the  West  of  the  lands  of  Samuel.  And  in  the 
South  there  were  Andrew  and  James  and  Samuel. 

5.  And  besides  these  there  were  many  Captains  who 
appertained  to  the  several  tribes  of  Samuel,  who  drew 
the  sword  in  defence  of  their  own  borders. 


m 


93 


CLATING 


lat  lliere 

Id  t!';crc 

mighty 

.iiuiuucJ 

Iiec  and 
rt  that  it 

ousand:^, 
give  us 
J  thee, 
hem  and 
lids,  and 
—none  at 
the  sword 

of  hosts, 
iam  Hen- 
he  North 
id  in  the 
mel. 

tains  who 
who  drew 


:W:. 


6.  Now  it  came  pass  that  in  the  first  year  ©f  the  wap 
that  Henry  prepared  himself  to  go  out  to  battle,  and  he 
collected  a  great  army,  and  directed  his  course  into  the 
woods  of  Shatt-o-gee,  and  he  marched  over  the  wilder- 
ness, and  the  very  shadows  of  the  sons  of  Cain  fled  be- 
fore him. 

7.  And  inasmuch  as  no  enemy  appeared  to  contend 
with,  he  found  in  a  block  house,  the  body  of  a  dead 
wampum,  and  he  warred  against  it  and  burnt  it. 

8.  After  this  he  returned  with  his  army  to  Greenbush, 
for  it  was  winter. 

9.  Moreover  it  came  to  pass  in  the  second  year  of 
the  war  that  Henry  warred  against  the  sons  of  Bull  and 
lie  passed  over  the  great  water  which  divides  the  land 
of  Samuel  from  the  land  of  Bull,  and  besieged  a  defenc- 
ed  city  called  Little  York,  and  took  it. 

10.  Albeit,  many  brave  and  valiant  men  fell  of  the 
army  of  Samuel,  and  among  those  who  were  greatly 
lamented  was  Zebulon,  the  armor  bearer  of  Henry. 

11.  Now  this  came  to  pass  on  he  twenty-eighth  day 
of  the  fourth  month.  And  there  was  much  blood  shed 
on  both  sides,  and  many  lives  were  lost  by  the  blowing 
up  of  the  ground  whereon  the  men  stood. 

12.  And  many  prisoners  were  made  by  Hem  5-,  and 
he  possessed  the  city  and  a  portion  of  the  Countiy  round 
about.     Yet  all  this  did  not  finish  the  war. 

13.  And  it  fell  out  on  the  first  month  of  the  same 
year  that  the  sons  of  Samuel  lay  encamped  in  the  wil- 
derness, at  a  place  called  French-town,  and  the  sons  of 
Bull  and  the  children  of  Cain  came  upon  them,  a  great 
multitude,  and  smote  them  with  great  slaughter.  Not- 
witlistaudiiig  the  sons  of  Samuel  fought  valiantly  and 
killed  many  of  their  enemies. 


f 


Pi 


:\ 


4 


i  >fi.\ 


» ( 


(  I 


94 

1^   n«  that  da?  many  of  the  warriors  of  ?amucl  fell   . 
Jo  the  hl'ds  o7the  BulUtes,  a.o„g  .hot„  «s  Ja.e. 

very  viiely,i«asmuch  as  he  P—^J;^;^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

ftf,h  »o„th  of  f-^j-:£:t::i^i . 
jr:xr£t;::aTr.w-eco.»a.^ 

^^1"^;  sa.c  Proctor  ca.c  upon  the.  .ith  a 

A   1  *i,nt  hp  should  give  up  the  fort ;  therelore  uc 
;rfroX ''^e  or  hL  hoa^  and  said  «  ,We  „p  that 

'  ^'^^A^;X^r„^~eda„d  sa.  X  «mnot 
J!-Z.  thy  hands.    If  thou  taKe  it    y  the  swot. 
Bull  thv  master  will  honor  thee ;  bu   if  I  give 
u  <•  .,  1,^  win  have  thee  in  Utile  esteem. 
''%"dhl^  oTBeliai  besieged  the  fort,  and 
W  torn  iL  >y  came  out  against  him  with  chosen  men, 

"■'"     LranS    sons  of  Cain  were  cut  down  before 
William  IIcmT  returned  from  the  slaughter. 


*■" 


'i 


eliaved 
all  the 
»n  them 
If  great 
octor. 
J  of  the 
;  sons  of 
less,  at  a 
.nded  by 

n  with  a 
of  Cain, 
I  up  with 
ig  words 
I,  and  de- 
refore  he 
ve  up  that 

,  I  will  not 
he  sword, 
ve  it  thee 
n. 

fort,  and 
losen  men, 

the  warri- 
3wn  before 
wilderness 
lind.     And 


'1 


i 


20.  After  this  the  sons  of  Cain  said  unto  Rabshakah 
forasmuch  as  Samuel  hath  discomfitted  thee,  we  will 
forsake  thee ;  (for  the  children  of  Cain  be  a  treacherous 
and  deceitful  people,)  and  they  deserted  him,  a  great 
number* 

21.  And  the  children  of  Cain  chode  with  Rabshakeh 
and  said.  Thou  hast  deceived  us ;  forasmuch  as  thou  ba- 
dest  us  bring  our  wives  and  our  little  ones  unto  this  place 
and  spake  strong  words,  that  thou  wouldst  not  fly  before 
tlie  Host  of  Samuel.  But  now  thou  hast  fled ;  "  thou 
art  eve  J  as  a  fat  animal  which  carries  its  tail  on  its  back 
for  pride,  when  no  danger  is  near ;  but  if  only  a  leaf  fall 
it  droppeth  its  tail  between  its  legs  and  is  gone."*  And 
Rabshakeh  dropped  down  his  eye  lids  and  was  ashamed. 

22.  Moreover  it  came  to  pass  on  the  twenty  and  se- 
venth day  of  the  same  month,  that  Henry,  the  Chief 
Captain  of  all  the  hosts  of  Samuel,  warred  against  Fort 
George  and  took  it.  And  Henry  slew  ninety  of  the  sons 
of  John  on  that  day,  and  of  the  sons  of  Samuel,  there 
were  killed  seventeen..  * 

23.  And  Henry's  armor  bearers  were  John  and  Mor- 
gan, Peter  the  fisherman  and  others.  And  they  took 
from  the  sons  of  Bull  on  that  day  an  hundred  captives- 
Nevertheless  an  end  was  not  yet  made  to  the  war. 

24.  In  all  these  matters  Henry  was  much  helped  by 
Isaac  the  waterman,  for  with  his  boats  he  encountered 
the  boats  of  Bull  and  put  them  to  flight.  Moreover  alsa 
he  wrought  cunningly,  and  carried  over  the  great  waters 
the  bands  of  Henry,  so  that  Henry  spake  of  him  to  the 
Chief  Steward. 

25.  And  about  this  time  Morgan,  surnamed  Le-wiss, 
vYote  a  long  letter  to  the  Chief  scribe  of  Samuel>  and 

f  See  speech  of  Tecumseh  to  Gen.  Proctor. 


!   ( 


\\ 


4 


u 


\    »» 


\«      V 


K 


the  «l.ole  matter  of  it  was,  thac  he  sent  forty  men  to 
help  Isaac,  and  that  they  aU  returned  safely  to  then 

""Z  And  it  fell  out,  on  the  twonty..gl.th  day  of  the 
same  month,  even  the  fifth  month,  that  the  hosts  of  M. 
a  Treat  mult  tude  passed  over  the  great  waters,  m  their 
a  grcdi  uiuiii        I  Cnmiipl  who  were  en- 

boats  to  war  against  the  men  of  Samuel,  wno 
camped  on  the  borders  of  the  great  Lake,  even  at  Sack 

'It"  A^I^on  as  the  sun  was  up,  the  hosts  of  Xohn  m 

TereunlU  .o  war,(of  th.  tr.be  of  Dan)  were  d.smay- 

''^"'Antfor  a  time  the  children  of  S«mue,  fled  Wore  . 
their  enemies.    But  Jacob  the  Chief  Capta,n  came  up 
and  encouraged  the,.^,  and  said  why  should  ye  fear  • 
A„d  he  fell  upon  the  .  alliles  and  they  were  smUten  w.th 
the  edee  of  the  sword,  and  taken  with  great  fear. 

29   And  the  Chief  Captam  of  the  enemy  -a^  George 
and  he  was  of  the  King's  household.     And  he  fled  w.th 
"eaurembling  to  the  boats,  and  in  much  haste  got  h.m 

-i'  '".rritrtrtii  sr^f «...  of  whom 

Jlave  spoken,  had  his  evil  heart  stirred  w.tl.m  h.m 
IlLto  vex  the  sons  of  Samuel.     And  as  h,s  n.anner 

^h    assembled  again  *« -'^J'^;^ -;-^^":;£ 
devised  mischief  against  a  small  band  of  Samuel.tes 

which  lav  at  Lower  Sandusliy.  ,    ,      , 

^t  Now  the  Chief  Captain  of  this  little  band  was  a 
young  Man,  of  the  age  of  twenty  and  one  years,  and  b.s 


'■'f 


3 


m 


■t 


i      il 


'/} 


97 


en  to 
theii 

of  the 

1  their 
;re  en- 
t  Sack- 

.hn  fell 
awares 
Bs  who 
lisniay- 

i  before 
ime  up, 
e  fear  ? 
ten  with 

ir. 

George,, 

led  with 
got  him 


name  was  Croghan.     And  he  was  a  Captain  over  hun- 
dreds. 

33.  On  tlie  first  day  of  the  week,  on  the  first  day  of 
the  eight  nionlh.  came  Rahshakeh  before  the  Fort  Ste- 
phenson, and  Willi  great  swelling  words  said,  Give  up 
and  save  yourselves  ahve,  for  I  have  eight  hundred  men 
in  mine  host. 

34.  And  the  Chief  Captain  answered  and  said,  I  will 
not  give  up,  but  thou  maycst  take  it  if  thou  canst.  So 
he  warred  against  it,  but  he  was  discomfitted  with  great 
slaughter.  Albeit  the  Captain  of  the  host  of  Samuel 
had  with  him  an  hundred  and  three  score  men.  And 
he  destroyed  of  the  band  of  Rabshakeh  four  score  and 
three  men.  And  Rabsiiakeii  left  his  stuff  behind  him 
and  fled  to  the  wilderness  with  great  shame. 

3o.  The  hearts  of  tlie  sons  of  Bull  were  fully  set  in 
them  to  do  evil.  For  on  the  fourteenth  day  of  the  sixth 
month,  they  came  to  one  of  the  towns  in  the  tribe  of 
Dan  and  burned  it.  ^Vhereby  many  of  the  inhabitants 
were  reduced  to  distress,  and  forasmuch  as  the  customs 
of  war  do  not  permit  this  violence,  it  became  a  reproach 
unto  the  Builites  unto  this  day.  And  the  name  of  the 
town  was  Sodus. 

36.  Moreover  Isaac,  the  waterman,  took  with  him 
chosen  men  and  went  over  to  the  land  of  Bull,  on  the 
thirty-first  day  of  the  seventh  month,  and  ran  into  the 
harbor  of  York,  and  took  from  them  many  Mules  bur- 
den of  the  flesh  of  kine  and  of  the  flour  of  wheat,  and 
destroyed  it.     For  Isaac  feared  not  the  face  of  danger. 

37.  Now  Bull  had  sent  many  ships  over  the  great 
waters,  and  they  came  near  to  the  south  country  even 
into  the  Bay  of  Chesapeake.    And  they  fell  on  the  de- 


-li 


¥: 


1, 


98 

fenceless  mhabUants  and  commuted  many  abomlna^ 

tions,  at  a  place  called  Hampton. 

38  \1so  in  the  multitude  of  the.v  evil  donigs,  they 
ent;e:ia  Synagogue  and  carried  a.ay  the  ..ss^^^^^^^^^^ 
sa)ictuarv.     And  for  all  these  nnquit.es,  the  repioa 

39.  Moreover  m  the  .Vt stein  j  ^^^^ 

blood.    And  ti-.e  man  that  «as  slam,  was  «oandcc 
defenceless  ai)d  aslced  for  his  hie. 

40.  Howheit  foolishness  prevailed  m  t!.>.  .Ou.s 
Samuel, for  he  .as  madly  set  on  .arrmg  '>£--  -j^^^ 
LamvLde  he  provided  not  for  tV.e  delence  m  h,    o.n 
borders.    And  I>e  clave  to  his  folly  and  would  uot 

'"41.  Now  it  came  to  pass  that  SamncV  sent  the  valiant 
Wmiam  Henry  into  the  country  of  B:.il,  ami  he  «ar.ec 
lid  o"k" lalln.  And  Rahshakeh  aT.d  h,s  .ampnms 
S  Sre  him,  and  it  .as  on  the  t.er.ty  and  th.rd  day 

°^rM";n\hehe,inn;n,  Of  the  tenth  m^ 
.hich  is  called  October,  William  parsae.    f te    «.      o- 
of  Belial  and  c»me  up  with  h>m  and  smote  h,s  hands 

nrr„roSe  Bumtes,  some  .ere  UiUed,  and  more 
than  six  hmidred  did  William  carry  away  capl.ve.  And 
5~n  Proctor  ned,  and  left  all  his  stufl  even  all  h.s 
alor  and  his  stores  wherewith  he  made  war,  wh.ch 
armoi,  anu  1  counted  at 

William  carried  ofl,  and  the  puce  ui 
ten  hundred  thousand  pieces  of  Silver. 

44.  And  in  those  days  the  chddren  of  «»•"  ^v"e  tr 
Wesome  and  multiplied  their  evd  domg..    Fo. 


'i^'iiiitKii'i 


99 


miua- 

,  tliey 
of  the 
3voacli 

•d3  tlif 
of  the 
in  cold 
ed  and 

rsels  of 
St  Johr, 
his  own 
!iot  let  it 

e  valiant 
e  warred 

third  day 

,h  month, 
;i:  this  sou 
bands  and 

and  more 
live.    And 
ven  all  his 
war,  which 
counted  at 

1  were  trou- 
For  in  the 


Southern  Country  near  the  IMobile  at  a  place  called 
Feiisaw  they  came  unawares  on  the  children  of  Samuel 
and  smote  them,  men,  women  and  children,  one  hundred 
and  three  score  souls. 

45.  Now  about  the  first  day  of  the  eleventh  month 
Samuel  reasoned  thus  with  himself,  Lo  the  season  is  far 
passed  and  we  have  done  httle,  and  this  is  now  the  second 
year  of  the  war;  I  will  send  now  my  oldest  armor  bearer, 
and  he  shall  take  with  him  an  exceeding  great  army, 
and  lie  shall  subdue  the  country  before  him.  And 
Samuel  counselled  with  his  chief  men,  and  they  said, 
Thou  shalt  do  it.  • 

46.  Therefore  called  he  Jaccobeus  the  smoker  for  he 
aaid  he  shall  utterly  smok&  him  from  his  hiding  places- 
And  he  made  him  Captain  over  tliousanus. 

47.  He  cried  also  Wayd  the  Tanner,  for  he  said  he 
shall  thoroughly  taji  the  hide  of  Bull,  and  take  off  his 
liair. 

48.  And  Jaccobeus  the  Smoker  took  his  Journey  from 
Sacket^s  harbor,  and  passed  down  the  great  river,  even 
the  river  St.  Lawrence.  And  Samuel  said  unto  him  ye 
shall  halt  at  the  French  mills,  and  there  shall  ye  meet 
Wayd  and  ye  shall  unite  your  men,  and  ye  shall  go 
down  and  take  Montreal,  which  standeth  on  an  island 
in  the  great  river  St.  Lawrence.  And  he  journeyed  for- 
ward. 

49.  And  the  Bullites  and  the  Caiiiites  followed  in  the 
rear  of  Jaccobeus  and  caused  him  great  evil.  And 
when  he  came  to  the  place  appointed,  behold  Wayd  was 
not  there ;  but  had  returned  back  again.  So  Jaccobeus 
turned  him  about  and  fought  the  enemy  many  days  and 
lost  many  of  his  men. 

60.  And  with  great  loss  and  damage  he  came  agaia 
;t©  Sackets  harbor 


f  r 

■      f 


;gfc'^taiir 


I 


■i.i 


If-       ! 


>  ( 


i  k 


f 


\i 


100 

!,•  ,mtn  Wavd  on  this  wise :  Go 
5V  Now  Samuel  sP'^ke  unto  Way  ^.^^^^^^^^ 

thou  from  Plattsburgh  -<>  P- '  ^^d  he  journeyed 
of  Shatt^-gce  and  .'°<=^' •''^""''"^hed  his  camp  i 

"''--rd^rZi  "1^  '^-  days,  and 
wilderness.    And  he    em  ^^^  ^^^  ^^^  .^^^^^  ^^,. 

turned  back  agam.     Albeit  i 

ter.Jorhedidnot  oveJa    "-"-^^  ^.^„  ,,,„, 

«^-  r  '''"i^Io  -ard  cbddren.  Have  ye 
,,yi„g  Ye  »-  '^  ;"';^^  .^..foohsh  passions  to  mme 
done  wisely  to  prelti  yo  .^.^^  j,„a 

interest  ?   Wot  ye  not  that  1  ha  e  J^^^^^  ^^  ^^^^^ 

honorable  ?  Wherefore  then  have  y 
my  commands  ?  j,,  ^nd  went 

53.  And  the  Tanne.V-;^P --„,,„,  „bode  in 
„„,o  his  own  home     N  vet  h         ^.  ^^  ^^^_^^^  ,.^^.^„^  ^ 

:irS;rfc;rcrofwar,aecord.„gtothecus- 

'Tr::rncil  of  migh.y  ™e--*-  ^t 
„i„e  the  conduct  of  -o^...^  A^^^^^^^^^  ^^,„  ,^„„,, 
certainLawyfr  "^^f '^^'^^^J^ J ,„  these, against  Jao- 

'"'  "-^'  '  Tl'i    W  ll-aforetime,anatl,y  coun- 
tobeus,asIdidaganistv.  ^,,^,j  g,,.e 

,„  against  JaccobeusshaU^^d    a 

„c  two  thosand  p.eoes  of  Sdver  ^  ^.      ^^  ^  ^,^_ 

And  he  thrust  him  aside.  jaccoheus, 

feuU;  for  his  counsels  were  at  variance. 


101 


:  Go    ' 

jrness 
iieyed 
in  the 
s,  and 
e  mat- 

them, 
ive  ye 

0  mine 
at  and 
Lo  obey 

nd  went 
bode  in 
livethjl 
the  cus- 

1  to  exa- 
nod  up  a 
>  Samuel, 
linst  Jac- 
thy  coun- 
;halt  give 

r  ov  a  Na- 

,erbi'usli? 

Faccobeus, 
le.    So  an 


son  or  i)eidition,  liad  the  charge  ol'iiU  iho  uiPrHU*,  and 
he  was  wise  to  work  all  manner  of  evil.  And  he  pro- 
vided tents  for  those  thiit  drew  the  sword.  And  he  was 
jealous  with  an  evil  eye  over  the  Smoker  and  the  Tan- 
ner. And  he  said  within  himself,  I  will  confound  their 
purposes  and  they  shall  come  to  shame. 

58.  HoAvbeit  Samuel  clave  unto  this  same  evil  worker. 
F*or  the  foolishness  of  Samuel,  though  he  were  brayed 
in  a  mortar  would  not  depart  from  him.  For  although 
he  had  many  Chief  Captains,  yet  would  they  not,  obey 
each  other.  As  if  the  hairs  of  Wild  Asses  tails  should 
rebel  and  say  each  one,  am  I  not  an  equal  part  of  the 
tail  ? 

.59.  In  those  days  there  was  war  in  the  Southern 
country,  where  the  Sun  beateth  down  in  a  more  direct 
line  upon  the  earth,  whence  it  cometh  to  pass  that  nei- 
tlier  man  nor  beast  is  straitened  by  means  of  cold. 

60.  And  this  war  was  made  in  the  winter  season,  and 
After  the  ingathering  of  summer  fruits.  And  Andrew, 
a  true  man  was  placed  over  it ;  and  he  warred  against  a 
powerful  nation  of  the  sons  of  Cain,  and  he  drave  them 
and  smote  them  with  the  edge  of  the  sword,  and  burnt 
up  their  dwellings. 

01.  And  Andrew  was  holpen  in  this  matter  by  James 
surnamed  Whito;  by  John  surnamed  Coffee,  and  by 
Johnsurnamcd  Floyd, besides  many  others,  all  true  men, 
in  whom  Samuel  had  confidence. 

62.  And  now  it  came  to  pass  that  in  the  third  year 
of  the  war,  that  Samuel  sent  forth  an  host  against  the 
country  of  Bull  to  war  against  it  and  fake  it ;  and  he  put 
over  it  Jacob  as  Chief  Captain,  for  Samuel  truly  said  of 
him,  he  knoweth  the  times  and  the  seasons,  and  hefear- 
eth  no  danger. 

10 


'vl 


•f 


^^ 


r  ^) 


10-2 

03.  on  the  second  day  of  tbo  sovcm:.  ^^J^^ 
p.s  over  U.e  great -.-.-.-^^^^^^^^ 

::;rLr:.yorr.;n.e.o.M.co.«uu..-.s 

host  turned  toward  C1"PP««».  ^„j  ,,,e  ,,osts  of 

64.  And  Jacob  came  to  Ch  ppe«»^.  „  „f 

B,.U  were  n.erc, »" l*''^  f  ,f,^;"V  Ipes.,  so  great 
„en  was  like  the  fe>''»\"f '^"^'g^^^el  took  unto  them- 
.as  the  .laughter;  th^h"  ^f  ^^'s  under  Jacob  that 

iS:rtSrS-t.eVorthey^ 

ed  themselves  afra'^'  ,    fifth  day  of  the  same 

65.  Moreover  on  the  twen  }  ^  ^^  ^ 

„onth,  Jacob  moved  ^--f^^Jte     .ove  again  with 

valiantly.  . .       g^e  smitten  hy  the 

.         66.  Howbeit  many  on  ho  h  ^^*=  *  ^^.^^  ,i,ere 

edge  of  the  sword  on  that  day,  nor  even  5 

made  an  end  of  the  combat-  ^,^^.3^,,;^,,  g^ti.ered 

is  called  the  Bay  of  Chesapeake.  ^„,,„aria, 

rr/Scredr;h:i:;w...hwerethere- 
r:;:t«-TtUeUves  of  the  people. 


i  B 


\ 


I 


103 


H 


icob 
ghc 
liicli 
I  his 

Its  of 
on  of 
great 
thcm- 
b  that 
Scott, 
m  was 
show- 

;  same 
ne  to  a 
lin  with 
Lit  them 
aptains 
host  did 

n  by  the 
as  there 

gathered 
lake  war 
1  to  Sam- 
;ea  which 

[exandria, 
ere  there- 


■i^ 


.t 


09.  And  tlicy  came  also  against  iliecity  of  Washing- 
lo!i,  wliich  lioth  on  the  river  Potomac.  Now  tliis  ciiy  is 
the  pliice  \vhere  the  sons  of  Samuel  are  wont  to  meet 
every  year,  to  deliljerale  n,  and  devise  measures  which 
concern  the  wliole  people. 

70.  Now  for  many  days  had  the  sons  of  Bull  been 
joiuiic  /ing  uj)  the  great  river  Potomac,  and  Samuel  had 
warning  of  llieir  approach;  yci  did  he  not  provide  the 
incai.s  whereby  to  defend  the  city. 

71.  Now  in  tills  city  were  the  Chief  Steward  and  the 
Cliief  Scribe,  and  also  John,  wha  had  in  charge  the  ar- 
mor of  Samuel.  And  the  Books,  and  the  Parchments, 
and  t!ie  Chronicles,  and  the  Laws,,  and  whatsoever  Laws 
and  customs  pertained  to  the  children  of  Samuel,  were 
faid  up  in  buildings  in  this  city. 

72.  And  the  sons  of  Bull  were  wroth  that  Samuel  had 
warred  upon  John,  and  their  wrath  was  kindled.  And 
tliey  came  upon  the  city,  and  the  men  who  were  placed 
for  the  defence  thereof  fled  before  them.  Also  the 
Chief  Steward,  when  he  turned  his  eyes  and  saw  the 
enemy,  his  heart  failed  him,  and  he  lifted  up  his  heels 
and  fled. 

73  Now  the  eyes  of  the  people  were  upon  the  Chief 
Scribe,  and  upon  John  who  had  the  care  of  the  armour ; 
but  they  said  to  themselves  the  enemy  be  upon  us,  and 
tliey  also  lifted  up  theii  heels  and  fled.  For  each  re- 
mcnibered  his  deeds.  And  those  that  saved  themselves 
this  day  by  fear,  were  more  than  they  that  saved  them- 
selves by  their  courage. 

74.  And  the  Bullites  burnt  all  the  public  buildings, 
and  the  books  that  pertained  to  Samuel,  and  all  the 
shipping  and  the  materials  wherewith  he  made  war,  they 
carried  off. 


.X 


^-m". 


104 

75.  No«  in  this  did  Bull  vevy  ^^^'^'^^ 
evilandroolisH.pi.H,^^^^^^^^^^^ 
shall  cover  him  as  a  thicK  ciouu, 
cleave  to  Imn  forever.  i.t-o  T<;^achar,  he 

76    Neither  did  Samuel  wisely,  for  hUe  I^^"^^  '^^^' 

77.  ^et  m  .m  i  ^.^^^^  ^^,,i  ^o.^,,. 

::;:;*  hiXs  >«  a  g^at  fish,so «..  i. . ..... ««. 

'TioIeUo;tl.atday,acertain«a„namedJoslu., 

.nLEoTsa^ueUoiuvaUanOya^---;^ 
«d  and  taken  captive.    No.  th.s  came  to  pass  ou 

twenty-third  day  of  the  e'g'!"'^^;^^  ,     ^„e  p,i„ce 
.9.  Moreover  the  sons  of   ohn  '--^^^^^^^^^^  .„ 

-rrtrr=Tartrr.ofthe 

vtlf  bI  in  the  Eastern  «aters.     And  he  smd  w.th.n 
for  thevc  is  none  to  resist. 


105 


•o 


N,. 


cJl.  Therefore  he  sent  a  messenger  to  tlie  peoj^le  say- 
»wg>  "  give  up  the  town  into  my  hands  or  I  will  even  buni 
it  to  ashes.  Give  ye  up,  for  it  paineth  mine  heart  to 
bring  distress  on  your  women  and  children/' 

82.  Howbeit  the  people  hearkened  not  to  Thomas,  so 
that  he  warred  against  them  from  the  water ;  and  it  was 
laight  time.  And  the  people  fought  valiantly,  and  had 
Thomas  in  derision.  And  the  people  resisted  Thoma?^ 
from  the  night  watches  even  until  morning,  and  they 
drave  him  from  before  the  town ;  and  Thomas  sneaked 
away,  even  as  a  dog  that  is  whipped  droppeth  his  tail 
between  the  two  hinder  posts  of  his  body,  even  so  did 
Thomas. 

83.  Now  it  came  to  pass  on  thciouitociilh  day  of  the 
eighth  month,  that  Jolm  Bull,  with  his  brethren  the  son.v 
of  Cain,  came  against  fort  Erie  wiUi  a  great  force  and 
pitched  their  camp  before  it,  and  besieged  it.  And  the 
force  was  under  the  command  of  the  man  Drununond, 

84.  And  he  came  against  it  in  the  night  time,  and 
fought  with  great  fury,  and  he  said  unto  his  men,  yti  shall 
not  save  a  man  of  the  sons  of  Samuel  alive. 

85.  But  the  unseen  hand  of  Justice  executed  ven- 
geance on  the  head  of  this  monster,  foi-  while  he  wa«5 
giving  out  this  inhuman  order,  he  was  slain. 

86.  And  the  sons  of  Samuel  fought  valiantly  end  pre- 
vailed, and  drave  the  enemy,  and  subdued  them  with 
great  slaughter,  so  that  more  than  four  hundred  of  tl;cm 
were  slain.     Afterwards  this  part  of  the  land  had  rest. 

87.  Again  the  sons  of  Bull  appeared  in  the  Southern 
country,  near  whereunto  is  the  city  of  Baltimore,  and 
with  a  great  force  attempted  to  go  towards  the  city. 
But  the  sons  of  Samuel  resisted  and  drove  them,  and 

10* 


y 


•  — «-t^— ■'^'-^ 


106 


killed 
the 


J  Ross.    And 


:ir  Chief  Captain  whose  name  ' 
e  enemy  fled  to  his  ships.  ^^^^  ^^^^^^^^ 

88.  Time  would  fad  us  to  spe^^"  ;„  „„ch 

pertaining  to  '"sfoohsh  an^  ^  f  f;:^^  ,ve 

blood  and  treasure  were  '^^^'^^  ^^  fo,  ^^^  than  two 
have  now  shewn  how  Samuel  ^»"«'^  °'      „f  t,,e  coun- 

«y  of  Bull,  '^--j;;'^^;:;  'Lan  affairs,  so  more 
89.  But  as  It  falleth  out  ma  ^^^  ^^^ 

espeeially  in  war,ti,e  --;-  ^.^^  „«  taicenof  all 
at  once ;  nor  even  .f  a  smj  e  ^^^  ^^^^  ^^  ^^„. 

its  calamities,  would  the  m  na 

eeive  thereof,  or  ^oje^'^^J^^',,  ,  p,ivate  quarrel,  SO 
90.  A''*<=7™;i„*'X«ickeLss  openeth  the 

-9rAn  evil  minded  ^^^^^^^^^ 

rrih'is  he  did  al  the  'beginning  of  winter,  by  wh.ch 
t-ndr^s  Ld  not  where  to  WU^ir^h^^^^^^^^  ^^^^^^ 
<,2.  For  this  act  of  >«  «""  ^      =     „f  s,„„cl. 

N„„  ne.tto  of  thew  ^^  ^^^         deslroymg 

.,ey  f-*-f  j;^^j'C;  but  only  brought  causeles. 

the  means  ol  carrying         , 

distress  on  the  people.  .j.  ^^^  ^^„ 

''■  *'°"":\  Itr  t  .e    n  of  a  single  war,  or  even 
,ere  appomted  to  bea  t  ^^.^^  ^^^^^^  ^^^  ^^ 

tlie  burning  of  a  smgie  ^y^yi 

oLcomeott«.eel*«»°f'^"  = 


n 


107 


94.  Forasmuch  as  there  is  in  the  hearts  of  all,  a  con- 
sciousness of  right  and  wrong,  and  the  hearts  of  most 
men  would  fail  them  for  fear  of  punishment  hereafter. 

95.  But  man's  heart  is  so  deceitful  and  wicked  that  he 
casteth  the  fault  on  his  neighbor  and  saith  within  him- 
self. Behold  am  not  I  guiltless  ?  So  I  saw  that  war  was  a 
sore  evil  under  ihe  Sni>. 


CHAPTER  Xf 


•l 


MISTAKEN  NOTIONS  OF  HONOR  CONDEMNED-NAVAL  lUAN^' 
ACTIONS— perry's  VlCTORY-COMMODORE  ROGERS- 
CAPTAIN  PORTER'S  CRUISE  AND  LOSS  OP  THE  ESSEX-^ 
COMMODORE  CHAUNCEY^CAPTAIN  WARRINOTON-PRE- 
VOSt's  EXPEDITION-BATTLE  ON  CHAMPLAIN-^DEFENCL 
OP  NEW  ORLENS. 

So  reader,  as  I  expected,  Uncle  Zachary  h.s  galh- 
ered  all  the  Canadian  Laurels  that  were  left,  and  no- 
thing remains  for  us,  but  either  to  suffer  t^e  rays  of  a 
schorching  sun  on  our  temples,  or  sailor-hke,  take  to 
ttwater  The  old  Rabbin  is  an  excellent  hound  to 
take  the  scent  and  follow  the  track,  as  long  as  he  can 
keep  his  Hebrew  feet  on  Tenafirma,  but,  as  you  must 
have  already  seen,  he  is  no  «;a^er.dog. 

It  belongs  to  the  fidehty  of  history,  ahke  to  recoid 
the  events  which  do  honor  to  the  bravery  of  men,  as 
those  which  would  raise  a  blush  on  the  cheek,  even  of 
infamy.    That  desire  of  distinction,  that  impulse   o 
great  actions,  which  is  among  the  earhest  perceptible 
passions  of  infancy,  which  is  our  companion  through 
life  and  our  solace  even  on  the  confines  of  the  grave, 
is  as  diversified  in  its  appearances,  and  as  capricious  in 
its  results,  as  are  the  objects  by  which  it  i^  excited.- 
The  fame  ef  some,  indeed,  appears  wholly  the  effect  of 
accident.     Hence  we  say  «  great  occasions  make  great 
men  "    But  for  this  or  that  event,  or  amdent,  such  and 
such  a  consequence  would  never  have  happened.    But 


109 


when  carried  away  with  such  purblind  opinions,  we  as- 
sume that  to  wliicli  we  have  no  claim,  we  argue  in  a 
circle,  nnd  are  bewildered  in  a  false  and  delusory  hy- 
pothesis. For  on  tliis  ground,  the  apologists  for  the 
dignity  of  human  nature,  build  their  justification  of  war 
and  of  bloodslicd,  and  even  find  an  excuse  for  perpetu- 
al revolution  in  the  affairs  of  men. 

So  these  champions  of  human  dignity  assert,  had  it 
not  been  for  the  American  revolution,  the  name  of 
Washington  v.ould  never  becnkiiown  beyond  his  native 
state;  he  migJit  indeed  have  been  a  good  magistrate, 
an  accurate  surveyor,  a  benevolent  citizen,  &c.  but 
what  of  all  this  ?— Aye  what  of  it  indeed,  if  this  world 
were  governed  by  the  depraved  ambition  of  the  modern 
infidel.  What  of  it  surely,  if  this  world  were  construct- 
ed and   furnished  merely  for  the  sensuahst ;  if  this  life 

be  only  a  glitterhig  levee,  a  festive  Ball,  and the 

Tomb  only  a  Register's  office  to  signify  its  eternal 
close.  But  if  indeed  this  span  of  existence  be  only  the 
prospectus  of  our  being,  if  indeed  we  are  in  this  life 
mere  recruits  for  immortality !  then  most  assuredly 
we  have  a  clue,  which  unravels  and  explains  the  whole 
mystery  of  our  pilgrimage  here,  and  which  instructs  us 
to  believe  that  the  benevolence  of  Washington  while 
on  earth,  fbrms  at  this  moment,  the  chief  part  of  that 
celestial  happiness,  which  he  can  derive  from  any  con- 
sciousness of  his  being  while  here  below.  What  if  the 
revolution  had  never  happened  ?  What  if  the  Father 
of  his  country  had  ;<  lever  been  called  to  lead  conquer- 
ing armies,  or  guide  the  vast  concerns  of  a  grateful  peo- 
ple, and  instead  of  being  destined  to  wear  the  martial 
and  civic  wreaths,  he  had  worn  out  his  life  in  acts  of  so- 
cial benevolence.    That  benevolence  would  form  the 


r^' 


V>"M.H%. 


s 


m  ^ 


^^1 


/ 


k      -11  ^s 

^'1 


'.  / 


110      • 

basis  of  his  HcvenW  '^PI"",^;  .;l::;;;t^,u  tel'd 
dew  of  Hermon,  like  the  o.l  ^^^^'^^^^  ,„„,e„u. 
of  the  venerable  priest  o.  s^cl.  »';^''°  .,„,„.-. 
*e  principles  of  the  re.—  -       -  j  ,,^,^^/,„., 

«y»«T'\rX       r  oXce  iu  the  history  of 
dispensations  ot  Divine  no  ,^^^..,, 

tt-t  if  Washington  sought  to  t)i  mg  u  auu 
man.     But  u  >> 'iS'""  =  -  ,      ...,.,. .ij    )e  lustly 

rs;^tc:^Mr%utueanahi^...^^^^ 

oMects  in  contest,  and  the  s..  les  of    co 

i-    i  .      Hpnre  tiuc  patriot. j^m  is  i-vci  v. 

*".T  P  e-v  ■  b"    hose  tl,al  .oek  or  procure  .«r,  nnder 
Nvith  Pie.y.     15UI  III"  opinions,  to 

this  unnatural  contest.     By  such 
ihe  cries  of  the  widow  shall  be  heard,   the  tea  s  oi  i 
the  cues  oi  ^i^^ir  recoUectior.s,  ami  the  fic- 

orphan  shall  enibittei   tuc_^    ^^^^^^  ,,,,1,,  before  them. 

quent  Ghost  of  man  a  ^»^^"^'  f  ^^  oflice.     With  that 
We  must  not  however  forget  oui  oince. 
we  musi  iiu  hicriiest    ncentive  to 

conscious  pnde  which  .^^^^  /^  ^;;;^^^,      rejoiced  at 
„oble  actions,  every  friend  «^,   "^,;;^  7^,4,ed  on 
the  news  of  the  ever  "^-^"^^^^^^'^^'^^.^a  W  ^ 
T    1,^  Fr-.P  on  the  10th  of  September,  1813,  by  tiic  gai 
Lake  Lrie,  on  me  ivm  r  \rt«.  a  well  eon- 

lant  Perry  and  his  brave  associates.     Afte.  a  nvcII  cc 


me 
leai'd 

pher- 
icient 
iry  ov" 
mcre- 
juslly 
vcs  of 
associ- 
?.VQ  the 
iem'ed 
Ks:  stent 
J  tv.iclci' 
ons,  to 
he  per- 
;n  shall 
shed  ill 
lomcutSj 
rs  of  the 
I  the  frc- 
10  them. 
Vith  that 
entive  te 
yoiced  at 
liieved  on 
y  tlic  ga\- 
wcll  coll- 
een Cha'> 
»^  Prevost, 
into   the 
fought  l>> 
American 


m 


HI 

fleet  were  but  54.  The  enemy's  force  also  outnumhei- 
ed  ours  by  100  men.  Captain  Perry's  sliip,  the  Law- 
rence was  made  a  wreck  at  the  beginning  of  the  action, 
so  tliat  he  was  compelled  to  leave  her  and  go  on  board 
the  Niagara.  The  loss  of  the  Americans  was  princi- 
pally on  board  the  Lawrence,  having  22  killed  and  61 
wounded,  so  that  although  she  carried  more  than  a 
third  part  of  the  fleet's  force  of  guns,  she  was  of  no  use 
in  consummating  the  victory.  It  is  due  to  the  brave 
Commodore  to  declare,  that  however  splendid  his  for- 
tune on  this  occasion,  it  did  not  exceed  his  humanitj^,  the 
image  of  benevolence  was  distinctly  recognised  in  the 
features  of  the  Conqueror.  To  this,  the  unfortunate 
Captain  Barclay  and  his  brave  wounded  tars  testified 
with  tears  of  gratitude.  It  is  tlius  that  humanity  is  ever 
the  ally  of  all  that  is  truly  great  in  man  ;  she  sheds  a 
lustre  on  the  fame  of  the  victor,  whicli  no  other  virtue 
could  bestow. 

Commodore  Rogers,  in  the  Frigate  President,  made 
a  cruise  of  five  months,  traversing  the  great  "highway 
of  nations,"  in  almost  every  direction,  and  after  taking 
and  destroying  many  vessels  of  the  enemy  returned  to 
port  in  the  month  of  September,  I8I.3.  During  his 
cruise,  the  flag  of  the  union  waved  for  some  time  in  the 
British  channel  and  on  the  coast  of  Norway,  and  al- 
though no  occasion  occurred  to  test  the  superior  valor 
of  his  crew  or  the  skill  and  bravery  of  their  Command- 
er, yet  that  occasion  was  ever. sought,  with  a  diligence 
and  awaited  in  a  state  of  discipline  which  would  have 
ensured  success. 

Commodore  Porter  in  the  Frigate  Essex,  of  44  guns, 
sailed  from  the  Delaware  in  October  1812,  and  raa 
down  the  coast  of  South  America,  visited  Peru,  Lima, 


I 


11: 


>  /?'• 


Guayaquil  and  the  Brazils,  and  finally  accomplished 
the  dangerous  enterprize  of  doubling  Cape  Horn,  and 
showed  the  «  Star  spangled  banner"  in  the  Pacific 
Ocean.  In  this  run  he  fell  in  with  and  captured  eight 
of  the  enemy's  sliips  of  war.  Letters  of  IVlarque  and 
Cruizers,  which  infested  those  seas.  On  board  of  these 
and  other  trading  vessels  which  he  captured  he  found 
an  immense  amount  of  property,  consisting  of  specie, 
naval  stores  and  provisions.  Some  of  his  prizes  he 
manned  and  added  to  his  command,  and  at  one  time 
his  fleet  was  formidable  to  the  governors  of  those  prov- 
inces, whose  dispositions  were  not  the  most  friendly  to- 
wards the  United  States. 

In  the  Pacific  Ocean,  he  discovered  and  took  pos- 
session of  the  beautiful  Island  Nooaheevah,  in  the  name 
of  the  United  States,  and  established  a  friendly  inter- 
course with  the  Natives.    Here  he  overhauled  and  re- 
fitted his  ship,  and  having  left  a  Lieutenant  and  21  men, 
he  resumed  his  cruise,  steering  for  tlie  coast  of  Chili. — 
Having  understood  that  Commodore  HiUyer,of  thePhe- 
be  frigate  was  cruising  for  him  in  those  seas,  he  shap- 
ed his  course  for  Valparaiso,  m  hopes  of  meeting  him. 
In  this  he  was  not  disappointed;  the  Commodore  short- 
ly appeared  in  the  Phebe  of  58  guns  and  320  men,  ac- 
companied by  the  Cherub  Sloop  of  war  mounting  28 
guns  and  a  complement  of  180  men.    With  this  supe- 
rior force,  Commodore  Porter  lay  for  some  time,  block- 
aded in  Valparaiso,  until  the  28th  of  March  1814,  he 
determined  to  venture  out.    In  this  attempt  a  heavy 
squall  carried  rP^vay  his   main  topmast,  when  both  the 
enemy's  ships  instantly  gave  chase.     Finding  escape 
impracticable,  he  ran  into  a  small  bay  and  prepared 
for  action.    Both  ships  came  up  j  the  Frigate  placing 


113 


herself  under  his  stern  and  the  Sloop  at  his  bovr,  the  ac- 
tion commenced  about  4  P.  M.     But  the  enemy  met 
with  so  warm  a  reception  that  in  half  an  hour  both 
ships  were  obliged  to  haul  off  to  repair  damages.— 
They  soon  returned  however  to  the  combat,  when  Com- 
modore Portcrjaid  the  Essex  along  sid^the  Phebe, 
when  the  conflict  became  terrible.     The  Essex  having 
all  her  rigging  shot  away,  every  attempt  to  bring  her 
to  a  position  to  board  the  enemy  was  fruitless,  notwith- 
standing the  utmost  exertions  of  the  Commodore  and 
his  crew  ;  the  enemy  cautiously  avoiding  being  brougl.t 
to  this  decisive  measure.     After  maintaining  the  una- 
vailing conflict  for  two  hours  and  an  half,  he  surrender- 
ed what  was  left  of  the  Essex  to  the  enemj^     Commo- 
dore Hillyer,  although  he  fought  well  on  this  occasion; 
gained  no  laurels.     He  contended  with  a  ship  to  whose 
force,  his  own  was  more  than  double  in  men  and  near- 
ly so  in  guns.     On  the  otiier  hand  the  Americans  fonglit 
with  a  bravery  bordering  on  despair,  and  which  no- 
thing could  equal  but  the  naval  skill,  by  which  every  ef- 
fort was  directed.     Some,  perhaps  will  accuse  Captain 
Porter  of  trespassing  on  the  claims  of  humanity,  in  pro- 
tracting the  conflict  beyond  those  limits  which  tiie  most 
scrupulous  honor  could  require.     He  was  not  indeed 
contending  with  a  pirate  from   whom  he  expected  no 
quarters  ;—tlie  liberties  of  his  Country  were  not  invol- 
ved in  the  issue,  and  had  the  Essex  carried  any  otlicr 
bann. r  than  that  of  the  American  navy,  we  might  al- 
lov      is  accusation  very  cjnsiderable  weight.     But  the 
Commander  and  his  hardy  tars,  felt  that  they  fought 
beneath  a"  flag  that  had  never  been  dishonored  j  while 
contending,  they  remembered  the  victor;es  of  Truxton, 
Hull,  and  Decatur,  and  they  knew  that  no  ordinaiy  meas- 

11 


I 


4^ 


114 


i' 


1 

«  ' 

V 

i.        Tjk   1 

/ 

tire  of  bravery  would  satisfy  a  country  which  claimed 
these  Heroes  as  its  citizens.  It  is  ever  a  painful  duty 
to  make  valor  a  sacrifice  ;  but  whericv*^r  it  becomes  so, 
the  cheerfulness  of  the  act,  augments  the  value  of  the 
oblation.  In  this  action,  the  Essex  had  58  men  killed, 
and  65  wounded. 

Commodore  Chauncey,  who  in  the  beginning  of  the 
war  was  placed  in  command  of  the  fleet  on  Lake  On- 
tario, with  an  inconsiderable  force,  kept  in  check  the 
superior  power  of  the  enemy  in  that  Lake,  and  by  his 
skill  baffled  all  the  attempts  of  Commodore  Yeo  to 
make  a  descent  on  the  American  coast.    His  fleet  con- 
veyed over  tlie  troops  under  General  Dearborn,  when 
he  attacked  Little  York,  and  its  guns  covered  tiic  lan- 
ding of  the  troops.    On  the  5th  of  October,  1813,  he 
fell  in  with  and  captured  five  of  the  enemy's  vessels 
which  were  bound  to  Kingston  with  troops  and  war- 
like stores.    Captain  Chauncey's  command  was  in  ma- 
ny respects,  an  unpleasant  and  difficult  one.     Station- 
ed on  an  inland  sea  with  a  force  always  inferior  to  that 
of  the  enemy,  in  case  of  any  disaster,  that  should  es- 
sentially reduce  liis  strength,  the  whole  shore  on  our 
own  side  would  iminediately  have  been  exposed  to  the 
invasion  of  the  enemy.    For  his  fleet,  could  be  rein- 
forced in  no  other  way,  than  by  the  tedious  process  ol 
building.     In  this  situation  he  was  placed,  knowing  the 
importance  of  a  prudent  course,  which  the  Government 
never  ceased  to  inculcate,  feeling,  at  the  same  time,  the 
dread  of  popular  disquietude  which  was  likely  to  be  en- 
gendered, by  over-heated  expectations  from  the  bril- 
liant si!ccesses  of  our  Navy  on  the  Ocean.     His  better 
judgement,  however,  raised  him  above  those  passions, 
and  led  him  to  prefer  the  interest  of  his  country  to  con- 


115 

iideratious  of  an  inferior  nature.  The  cool  and  now 
unprejudiced  voice  of  his  countrymen,  has  sanctioned 
his  conduct,  and  America,  already  ranks  him  among 
those  Naval  commanders,  from  whom,  on  any  future 
emergency,  her  highest  expectations  may  be  realized. 

In  summoning  the  feelings  of  our  countrymen  to  the 
Ocean,  the  natural  theatre  of  their  fame,  the  exercise  of 
gratitude,  and  llie  triumph  of  honorable  pride  are  ex- 
cited  by  the  gallant  achievements  of  Captain  Warring- 
ton, of  the  Peacock,  who  captured  the  English  brig  Eper- 
vier,  carrying  18  heavy  guns  and  128  men,  after  an 
action  of  42  minutes.  The  Epervier  had  11  men  killed 
and  15  wounded.  The  Peacock  had  only  two  wounded 
and  those  slightly,  and  received  so  little  injury  as  to  be 
fitted  for  action  in  fifteen  minutes  after  the  encounter. 
The  Epervier  had  54  shot-holes  in  Jier  hull,  20  of  which 
were  within  a  foot  of  her  water  line,  lost  her  main  top- 
mast, and  had  her  rigging  much  damaged.  This  vessel 
seemed  doomed  to  misfortune.  She  has  since  been 
made  the  maritime  Coliin  of  the  unfortunate  and  gal- 
lant Shubrick  and  his  gallant  crew,  while  returning  from 
tlie  Mediterranean,  last  season. 

Among  the  events  which   in  a  season  of  war  decide 
the  fortunes  of  a  nation  engaged  in  defending   an  ex- 
tensive coast  and  an  equally  extended  frontier,  it  does 
not  often  occur,  that  either  the   invading,  or  repelling 
power,  places  the  issue  of  the  struggle  at  the  hazard  of 
a  single  trial.     Of  a  different  character,  however,  it 
would  appeal  is  the  expedition  which  next  claims  our 
attention.     The  great  revolution  of  affairs  in  Europe, 
which  took  a  decided  character  earlv  in  the  vear  1814, 
placed  a  large  disposable  force  in  the  power  of  the  ene- 
my.   This  event,  as  an  auxiliary  to  the  shameful  mis- 


110 


is.  I 


m. 


uiar.ageiiient  on  our  own  part,  had  changed  tlie  contesJ, 
from  an  oHensive  to  a  defensive  war.  The  veterans 
who  had  served  in  Spain  and  had  learned  no  otlier  duty 
liian  to  conquer,  were  poured  into  Ca!JP,da,  and  the  en- 
emy, determined  to  make  an  attempt,  in  his  turn,  at  in- 
vasion. This  force,  1 4,000  strong,  principally  organ- 
ized at  Montreal,  and  provided  with  every  tiling  neces- 
sary for  tlie  expedition,  appeared  i^ofort;  Pkittsburgii 
about  the  first  of  September,  under  the  command  of 
Sir  George  Prevosi,  an  able  a-id  expcricnc:ed  officer. 
Geii'jral  Macomb  was  strongly  entrenched  at  Ph'^ttE- 
burgb,  with  about  1500  men.  Tl;c  enemy's  fleet  on 
Lake  Cliampiain  hove  in  sight  in  a  few  day?,  and  it 
appeared  to  be  his  phi n,  to  have  the  success  of  his  fleet 
lirsl  tried  before  any  very  decisive  raeasiues  were  taken 
by  land.  The  enemy  justly  entertained  high  expecta- 
tions from  this  armament.  It  consisted  of  die  Conli- 
unce  of  30  guns  and  300  men.  Linnet  of  IG  guns,  120 
men,  Growler  and  I'agle,  each  11  guns  and  40  men  ; 
together  with  13  Gun,  o  t.  mouuli'ig  ^8  guns  and  550 
men :  conslituling  a  to  Lai  of  95  guns  and  1050  men, 
commanded  by  Captain  Downie  an  intelligent  and 
brave  ofllccr.  To  oppose  this  force,  the  Americans 
had  the  Saratoga  26  guns  and  270  men,  the  Eagle  20 
guns  120  men,  Ticonderoga  17  guns  110  men,  Preble 
7  guns  30  men,  besides  10  Gunboats  mounting  16  guns 
and  carrying  350  men,  making  a  total  of  86  guns,  and 
820  men,  under  the  command  of  Captain  Thomas 
Macdonough.  On  the  11th  September  at  9  o'clock  in 
the  morning,  the  enemy  appeared  and  formed  in  a  line 
about  300  yards  distant  from  the  American  fleet,  his 
ship,  the  Confiance,  being  opposed  to  the  Saratoga, 
when  the  action  began.    At  half  past  10,  the  Eagle,  noi 


T 


.^^ 


117 


being  able  to  throw  her  shot  to  effect,  cut  her  cable  and 
anchored  between  the  commodore's  ship  and  the  Ti- 
conderoga,  where  she  soon  made  a  sensible  impression 
on  the  enemy.  The  gallies  and  gunboats  were  all  en- 
gaged. The  guns  on  the  starboard  of  the  Commodore's 
ship,  being  all  dismounted,  a  stern  anchor  was  cast 
out,  the  bower  cable  cut,  when  she  came  about,  and 
poured  a  broad  side  into  the  enemys  ship  which  soon 
after  surrendered.  The  fire  of  the  Saratoga  was  then 
turned  upon  the  brig,  which  surrendered  in  fifteen  min- 
utes after.  The  sloops  which  opposed  the  Eagle  had 
struck  sometime  before.  The  gallies  all  palled  ofi*  and 
escaped  excepting  three,  which  were  reported  to  have 
sunk.  According  to  the  Commodore's  letter,  the  ac- 
tion lasted  without  intermission,  two  hours  and  twenty 
minutes.  Tiic  Saratoga,  suffered  most,  having  receiv- 
ed the  heavy  fire  of  the  Confiance  :  of  52  men  killed, 
she  lost  28,  and  out  of  58  wounded  on  board  our  fleet, 
she  had  20.  The  British  lost  84  killed  and  110  wound- 
ed, most  of  the  e.iemy's  sliot  passed  through  the  rig- 
ging, and  as  Captain  Macdonough  reports,  there  were 
not  20  whole  hammocks  in  the  nettings  after  the  action. 
The  Saratoga  had  fifty  five  round  shot  in  her  hull,  the 
Confiance  one  hundred  and  five.  The  fruits  of  this  vic- 
tory were  more  than  four  hundred  prisoners — 11,800 
lbs.  powder,  85,000  cannon  ball,  6000  muskets,  600  suits 
sailors  clothing,  besides  all  the  winter  clothing  of  the 
whole  of  their  land  army.  The  effects  of  this  triumph 
were  more  important  in  determining  the  issue  of  the 
war  than  any  that  had  preceded  it.  Sir  George,  with 
his  whole  army,  stood  anxious  spectators  of  the  actior, 
and  as  soon  as  the  result  was  shown,  instantly  made 
preparations  to  retreat.    This  he  efiected  in  a  precipi- 


;f 


( 


118 


f  I ;  m 


i  ,♦  ;■  f 


r- 


n 


tate  manner,  during  the  following  night,  assisted  by  a 
heavy  fog,  which  is  common  at  this  season  in  the  vicini- 
ty of  the  lakes. 

It  is  due  to  General  Macomb  to  state  that  he  display- 
ed great  prudence  and  firmness  in  repelhng  the  attacks  of 
a  powerful  force  for  several  successive  days,  and  in  keep- 
ing the  enemy  ignorant  of  the  sickly  stale  of  his  troops, 
and  to  the  forces  under  his  command,  that  they  acted 
on  all  occasions  with  the  most  determined   bravery. 
By  t!ie  hasty  retreat  of  Sir  George,  the  enemy  suffered 
an  immense  loss  in  the  munitions  of  war  wliich  he  left 
behind  :  vast  quantities  of  provisions  left  and  destroyed, 
bomb  shells,  mtrenching  tools,  cannon  ball,  grape  shol, 
ammunition,  flints,  tents  and  marques.     The  loss  of  the 
British  in  the  several  actions  with  the  garrison  amount- 
ed to  368  killed— 494  wounded— 2.5Q  prisoners  (taken 
on  the  retreat)  besides  about  800  deserters.     The  loss 
of  the  Americans  was  only  37  killed  and  62  wounded. 
We  now  return  for  a  moment  to  the  hero  of  Cham- 
plain.     After  the  action,  he  appeared  to  be  almost  the 
only  person,  on  either  side  who  did  not  feci  the  effect 
of  victory ;  his  solicitude  for  the  wounded  on  board  his 
own  and  the  enemy's  fleet,  hushed  every  exulting  im- 
pulse of  the  heart,  arising  from  the  thought  of  having 
bravely  conquered.     He,  like  the  gallant  Perr>  ,  proved 
by  his  noble  and  (rencrous  conduct,  that  humanity  is  the 
choicest  diamond  that  glitters  in  the  crown  of  the  vic- 
tor.    This   is  not   the  language  of  adulation  ;— it  is  a 
representation  of  fact,  but  too  faintly   drawn.     The 
splendor  of  his  own  triumph  was  forgotten  to  give  place 
to  feelings  of  sympathy  for  the  fate  of  the  gallant  Cap- 
tain Downie,  whose  fortune  it  was  to  lose  his  life  with 
the  battle ;  and  his  heart  was  moved  in  humble  grati- 


119 

tude  towards  the  Great  Father  of  mercies,  and  asked, 
why  hast  thou  thus  made  us  to  differ  ? 

In  offering  these  remarks,  it  would  be  invidious  to 
confine  their  apphcation  exclusively  to  the  heroes  of 
Erie  and  Champlain.  The  praise  of  this  exalted  virtue 
is  equally  due  to  every  American  commander,  on  whose 
temples  Neptunian  Mars  has  placed  the  wreath  of  vie- 

tory. 

The  lethargic  indifference  of  the  general  government 
to  measures  of  defence,  invited  the  concentrated  pow- 
ers of  the  enemy  to  another  quarter.     Soon  after  the 
a))ortive  attack  near  Baltimore,  the  enemy  collected 
his  forces  in  the  Chesapeake,  and  a  considerable  amount 
consisting  of  transports  carrying  about  10,000  troops 
with  several  frigates,  sloops  of  war  and  gun-boats  put 
out  to  sea.     These  were  soon  joined  by  a  reinforce- 
ment from  the  West  Indies.     Notwithstanding  the  great 
notoriety  of  these  movements,  New-Orleans  was  still 
left  in  a  most  defenceless  condition.     At  the  time  that 
the  forces  of  the  enemy  entered  the  Missisippi,  if  the 
reports  of  respectable  citizens  of  New-Orleans  may  be 
credited,  there  was  not  ammunition  enough  m  the  city, 
to  furnish  her  own  militia.     As  soon  as  government 
were  apprised  of  the  intentions  of  the  enemy,  they  gave 
orders  to  the  Governors  of  Kentucky,  Tennessee  and 
Orleans  to  call  out  the  militia  and  direct  their  march  for 
that  city.     General  Andrew  Jackson  was  ordered  to  re- 
pair thither  immediately  and  take  the  command.     If  any 
praise  is  due  to  government  for  selecting  this  officer,  it 
would  be  ungenerous  to  withhold  it,  for  certainly  no 
commander  could  have  been  appointed  who  would  have 
discharged  the  arduous  duty  committed  to  his  manage- 
ment with  greater  ability  and  decision.    He  found  a 


' 


r ; 


h  f*y*i 


120 

very  few  troops  in  the  city  of  any  description,  and 
those  that  came  in  from  the  country  were  mostly  without 
arms,  and  all  without  discipline.  He  had  literally  an 
army  to  manufacture  out  of  the  raw  material.  His 
presence,  however,  inspired  confidence,  and  after  issu- 
ing several  spirited  general  orders  he  brought  the  citi- 
zen-milit'a  to  some  kind  of  subordination.  The  diffi- 
cult navigation  of  the  Missisippi  rendered  the  progress 
of  the  enemy  slow.  About  the  20th  of  December  they 
made  their  appearance  at  a  pass  in  the  river,  called 
the  Rigolets,  when  an  attack  was  made  upon  our  gun- 
boats which  were  taken,  and  dispersed.  The  event 
gave  the  enemy  command  of  Lake  Borgne,  and  ena- 
bled him  to  choose  his  point  of  attack.  On  the  23d  of 
December  the  British  shewed  themselves,  to  the  number 
of  3000  about  six  miles  below  the  city.  General  Jack- 
son met  them  with  a  force  of  1500  men,  and  the  action 
commenced  about  7  o^clock,  P.  M.  General  Coffin  was 
ordered  to  turn  his  right  on  the  river,  while  General 
Jackson  attacked  his  strong  position  on  the  left.  The 
schooner  Caroline,  Commodore  Patierson,  gave  the  sig- 
nal of  attack  from  the  River,  by  firing  into  the  enemy's 
camp,  when  one  general  onset  was  made  with  such  fury 
that  the  enemy  gave  way  in  every  direction.  General 
Jackson  took  about  60  prisoners  and  remained  all  night 
on  the  field  of  battle.  In  the  morning  he  took  a  strong 
position  about  two  miles  nearer  the  city. 

On  the  8th  of  January  the  British  made  preparations 
for  a  general  attack.  Their  design  appeared  to  be,  to 
storm  the  position  of  General  Jackson  with  two  strong 
columns,  advancing  on  his  right  and  left.  The  Ameri- 
cans reserved  their  fire  until  the  enemy  approached 
sufficiently  near,  when  they  opened  a  steady,  deliberate 


BjiiH'iiJiw 


121 

and  deadly   discharge  oi'  musketry,  which  cut  dowH 
their  columns  and  brought  them  to  a  stand.      After 
breasting  their  fire  for  about  an  hour,  the  enemy  retir- 
ed in  confusion.     The  vast  disproportion  of  loss  on  this 
occasion,  will  ever   form  a  theme  of  astonishment  to 
those  who  recollect  that  the  invading  army  was  chiefly 
composed  of  the  veterans  who  had  conquered  in  Spain, 
and  that  they  were  opposed  by  less  than  half  their 
number  of    militia  collected  from  all  parts  of    the 
country,  wholly  undisciplined,  and  unused  to  defending 
breastwork,  and  resisting  a  regular  attack.     The  Bri- 
tish loss  was  killed   700,  wounded  1400,  prisoners  562. 
While  the  Americans  lost  only  15  killed  and  6  wound- 
ed.    The  Kentucky  and  Tennessee  riflemen  fought  on 
this  occasion  with  great  bravery.    Accustomed  to  the 
rifle  from  their  infancy,  their  aim  was  deliberate,  se- 
vere, and  deadly.    They  fought  behind  immense  piles 
of  pressed  bales  of  Cotton,  «vhich  effectually  resisted  the 
fire  of  the  enemy.     The  British  lost  on  this  occasion, 
their  commander  in  chief,  General  Packenham,  and 
two  Major  Generals  Kean  and  Gibbs,  who  were  mortal- 
ly wounded.     The  issue  of  this  battle  proved  the  pow- 
er of  the  Americans  to  defend  themselves,  while  it  be- 
trayed the  weakness  and  mcapacity  of  our  Cabinet. 
The  government  have  indeed  manifested  some   symp- 
toms of  a  desire  to  take  the  praise  of  it  to  themselves, 
by  endeavoring  to  identify,  the  defence  of  New-Orleans 
and  our  triumph  on  the  water,  with  the  war  itself  and 
calling  it  glorious ;  but  they  have  only  partially  suc- 
ceeded J  and  there  is  much  truth  as  well  as  point  in 
the  remark  of  General  Jackson,  that  «  to  Heaven  and 
our  own  cKertions  the  success  is  to  be  ascribed." 


I 


5«rfipp*' '  ■ 


r  i  a 


122 

To  Amerciaiis  it  is  a  subject  of  just  exultation  to  re- 
llect  that  they  have  yet  many  characters  of  great  pro- 
mise, whose  distinguished  worth  this  war  has  exhibited 
to  view,  how  much   soever  they  may  lament  the  late 
shameful  and  unprofitable  contest  which  called  them 
into  action.     Among  these  they  will  ever  reckon  the 
name  of  Jackson,  as  pre-eminent  among  those,  who 
have  a  high  claim  on  their  gratitude  for  his  important 
services,  and  so  long  as  he  may  be  spared  to  enjoy  his 
well  earned  fame,  to  him  may  we  look  with  confidence, 
should  the  cause  of  his  country  again  summon  him  to 
the  post  of  duty.    , 


a<ii)toii'ii*iiwfwi.iiiwiri 


r* 


re- 
pro- 
ited 
late 
hem 

the 
who 
tant 
J  his 
incc, 
Ki  to 


CHAPTER  XII. 

REMARKS    OP    THE     HISTORlAN^ — GLOOMY     CONDITION    OP 
UNCLE    SAm's    affairs FAMILY    MEETING RESULT    OP 

their  jeliberations — treaty  of  peace whimsi- 
cal conduct  and  opinions  of  uncle  sam  respect- 
ing  it the    account  balanced — reflections  on 

Washington's  and  jefferson's  administrations — 
on  opposition conclusion. 


.11 


The  picture  and  tlie  shade  are  now  before  us.  The 
defence  of  New-Orleans,  noble  indeed  of  itself,  gathers 
fresh  tints  and  graces  by  being  contrasted  with  the 
Washington  Hegira.  At  home,  in  the  midst  of  their 
resources,  cannon,  shot,  tent-poles,  molasses  and  vine- 
gar enough  ;  sufficient  warnhig  of  the  approach  of  the 
enemy,  wind-catridges  already  made,  proclamations  by 
the  ream  already  printed  ;  yet  alas !  thei  city  must  be 
abandoned.  The  archives  of  the  nation,  her  public 
buildings,  library,  the  emblems  of  her  sovereignty,  the 
proud  memorials  of  her  many  triumphs,  all,  all  aban- 
doned to  the  gothic  clutches  of  a  rapacious  enemy. 

Of  Jackson  and  his  brave  companions  in  danger,  it 
might  be  said  in  the  words  of  the  poet,/«7^or  armamin- 
istrat ;  but  of  our  pavidoe.  matres  at  the  seat  of  govern- 
ment, we  must  reverse  the  apopthegm  and  say  wma 
ministrabant  fuwribiis  :  the  arms  of  the  enemy  indeed 
furnished  them  witli  the  madness  of  fear.  Is  there  an 
American  heart  unwounded  at  the  recollection  !  Or 
have  wc  lost  all  distinction  between  virtue  and  vice. 


)  (' 


1  ■. 


'i 


^^r^"'*^' 


124 

Has  the  torrent  of  national  disgrace,  that  has  so  copi^ 
ously  flowed  for  the  last  ten  years,  decompounded  and 
waslied  away  that  adamantine  isthmus,  which  separat- 
ed  honor  from  infamy  ?     Has  a  repetition  of  the  act  ol 
bowing  our  necks,  with  a  sinic  serviUty,  to  the  burden 
of  sliame,  neutralized  our  feehngs  and  blunted  our  per- 
ceptions  !  Why  did  not  the  verdant  sod  that  covers  the 
ashes  of  Washington  burst  asunder.    But  no !  Had  his 
pale  ghost  met  the  shameless  fugitives  with  the   stern 
upbraidings  of  a  seraph,  they  would  have  dodged  re- 
gardless  along,  « let  us  live  to  enjoy  our  offices'  would 
have  been  the  answer.     Thus  ended  the  farce  of  taking 
Canada  in  six  weeks,  of  bringing  the  "enemy  on  Ins 
marrow  bones."     So  much  for  paper  courage  and  ter- 
rapin gallantry.    It  must  be  confessed,  that  the  enemy 
liad  a  fair  specimen  of  Cabinet  intrepidity— Moles'  eyes, 
>vooden.legs,  leaden  crutches,  when  danger  is  to  be 
sougM  for,  but  when  there  is  any  running  to  do,  aye, 
then  we  see  the  speed  of  the  dromedary,  the  wmgs  of 
the  eagie.    «  Prudence,  said  Falstaff,  is  the  better  part 
of  valor."     So   thought  our  wise  ones— so  acted  our 
valiant  ones.    Even  goose  creek  mars,  the  god  of  war, 
«.'  sacked  up"  his  dotard  bones  in  a  skin  which  at  times 
had  betrayed  every  sinful  passion  but  shame,  and  gave 
manly  chace  to  his  valiant  file-leaders.    «  Did  it  burn," 
said  a  tender  mother  to  her  son  when   some  powder 
flashed  in  the  pan  ?  no  madam,  but  it  smells  so  !  smell ! 
yes,  it  shall  smell  to  Europe-to  Lilliput !  to  posterity  ! 
And  how  did  Uncle  Sam,  high-minded  patriot,  rehsh 
the  conduct  of  his  servants  on  this  occasion  ?     Oh,  he 
accepted  a  PhiUippic  from  the  mouth  of  the  Ciiief  Stew- 
ard, at  the  next  family  meeting,  as  a  full  atonement  for 
the  desertion  of  his  favorite  city.    A  bladder  of  angry 


"*^^^^»^^' 


...^  125 

wind,  let  off  with  dignified  violence  against  John  Bull, 
Avas  received  as  full  satisfaction  for  all  tliat  had  happen- 
ed. And  as  for  the  loss  of  honor,  it  was  agreed  by  all, 
tiiat  the  saving  of  so  many  valuable  lives,  was  an  aia- 
pie  equivalent.  The  wise  and  the  gr*Jat  ones  congratu- 
lated each  other  that  although  they  had  lost  their  ivood- 
en,  they  had  saved  their  real  offices. 

"  One  may  steal  a  horse,  while  another  is  hanged  for 
looking  over  a  hedge."  Count  Scratch-us-otf  was  tried 
for  his  life  for  a  far  less  offence  than  giving  up  the  city 
of  Washington  to  pillage  and  flames,  and  received  par- 
don from  the  same  power  that  explained  away  tliis 
shameful  transaction  with  an  Aphaletical  discharge  of 
wind.  But  now  came  on  the  season  when  the  family 
must  a^am  meet  to  deliberate  on  measures  for  the  oen- 

o 

eral  good.  It  was  not,  perhaps,  the  most  pleasant  meet- 
ing that  ever  took  place.  Her  ladyship  looked  a  little 
sour ;  before  her  eyes  were  the  ruins  of  her  noble  resi- 
dence ;  her  drawing  room,  where  so  many  fine  plans 
had  been  formed,  was  no  more.  As  this  misfortune,  how- 
ever, had  been  so  much  a  matter  of  her  own  seeking,  she 
thought  best  to  bear  it  with  the  best  practicable  grace. 
The  Chief  St-ward,  the  Chief  Clerk,  Mars  Fughivus, 
and  Neptunus  Minor,  all  accommodated  themsch.es  with 
private  lodgings.  We  have  seen  the  prospect  immedi- 
ately before  their  noses :  what  was  it  abroad  ?  Dark 
clouds  on  the  North,  West,  and  East :  The  strong  box 
empty :  the  army  wasted  by  sickness :  our  frontiers 
threatened  in  every  direction.  But,  what  was  worst  of 
all,  our  friend  Nap  in  confinement  on  the  Island  of  El- 
ba. This  "  Wonderful  man,"  as  Mr.  Gerry  once  call- 
ed him,  bound  over  to  his  good  behaviour,  and  his  spleu* 
did  fortunes  razeed  down  to  the  condition  of  a  private 

12 


■^ 


"®W?*«. 


Ir 


«'   i 


SC 


«.'!  ^  i 


126 


j€I'-^ 


citizen.    His  corsairs  c.uld  no  lege?  fen  and  destroy 
our  vessels  and  in.prison  our  seamen  =   no  longer  d^m 
us  of  our  «  surplus  cash,"  which  once  so  vexed  he  phi 
"osopWcal  head  of  the  man  of  Monticcllo     No  ..ore 
S  our  friend  Nap  give  us  his  advice  with  respect 
to  our  affairs,  which  was  always  the  more  giateftd, 
Is  Has  generally  conveyed  in  an  authoritat.v^e  style. 
Bu    i    was  no  time  for  whining;  a  closet  Conference 
Is  cal,ed,  at  which  all  the  friends  of  war  were.nvUed. 
The  first  t'hing  to  be  done  was  to  f.U  "?/"«  -my  a^d 
,„ake  some  fresh  attempts  at  loans.     The  Ch.ef  C  e^k 
having  turned  project-monger,  subm.tted  a  plan  for   e 
cr  iting,  the  substance  of  which  he  had  taken  from  the 
TgulatUns  of  Nap,  and  which  m  the  country  of .  s  b    1 
'vi  called  Conscnption.    To  give  .t  the  cast  of  oug  - 
nali'v  it  was  thought  best  to  name  it  rnew  and  tcim  .t 
cS/ion.     In  favor  of  it,  it  ~ged  t^at  some- 
tbing  must  be  done  immediately  to  keep  up  the  sp.rits 
;  Unde  Sam  •,  and  this  method  possessed  many  ad-. 
la.es  over  the  old  plan  for  recrut.ng  ;  as  .t  took  away 
^ttl.e  recruit,  the  troublesome  right  of /«.» 
bv  which  such  tedious  delay  was  produced.    The  re 
c^U  would  in  this  case  l...ow  at  once  what  to  do  and 
^oirot  stand  stammering  and  bantering  w,*  the  .^ 
cruitini  officer,  until  the  enemy  was  at  our  backs.    Tins 
rX?  gained  the  approbation  of  all  present,  and  was 
Sre  ordered  to  be  on  tbe  table  that  its  advocate, 
might  have  a  Uttle  time  to  lie  it  into  popularity. 

Meanwlnle  it  was  thought  best  to  new-vamp  the  o  d 
system  and  give  it  fresh  vigor,  by  offering  more  bounty 
Id  llher  wages,  this  would  keep  the  attention  of  Un- 
1  sSon^  prying  with  a  mischievous  curiosity  mto 
£  «o»e,  Jim  for  it  would  be  a»  obvious  pre. 


W- 


Rf 


"i^mm^- 


m 


.^  127  > 

sumption  that  lie  was  still  rich,  if  lie  was  able  to  shakci 
his  purse  at  new  expenditures.     Neither  was  the  low 
state  of  the  strong  box  any  objection  to  this  measure, 
for  Since  promises  had  become  a  sine  qua  non,  in  all  mo- 
ney concerns,  they  had  so  far  become  the  national  cur- 
rency, as  to  be  the  only  coin  receivabh  by  Uncle  Sam^s 
creditors.     To  give  greater  facility  to  this  new  project, 
a  most  lucky  tliought  entered  tlie  head  of  some  one, 
which  was  incorporated  with  the  projected  amendment, 
and  which  was  no  less  than  to  augment  the  ninnbcr  of 
candidates  for  enlistments,  by  declaring  boys  and  mi- 
nors of  all  descriptions  whetlier  in  the  cojidition  of  i% 
rental  tat^^.ge,  apprentices  or  wards,  eligible  to  tlie  of- 
fice and  di-aity  of  soldiers.    In  support  of  this  meas- 
ure, it  was -igreed  that  those  who  were  of  age  to  reHect, 
^r  had  corac'to  years  of  discretion,  knew  so  much  about 
the  waf  and  the  management  of  it,  that  they  were  b^- 
ward  r;boiil  enlisting;  that  to  aidress  the  mind  of  man 
in  its  most  giddy  and  thoughtless  period,  when  the  drains 
were  unsettled,  or  had  not  yet  begun  to  grow,  the  chance 
of  success  woidd  be  much  greater.     For  it  was  consid- 
ered as  a  settled  point  tliat  silent  votes,  and  the  previous 
qnestion,yiO\x\d  reason  dawn  every  thing  exxeptthe  fear 
of  danger,  and  the  power  of  the  enemy,  and  coiUd  rea- 
son  up  almost  any  thing  except  cash  in  propria  persona. 
This  measure,  met,  as  was  expected,  with  violent  oppo- 
sition from  Tom  Boston,  as  it  passed  the  formula  of 
debate  in  presence  of  the  heads  of  families;  but  it  wiS 
adopted.     Codline,  Savbrook  and  Spinyarn,  patriarch- 
al  governors  of  Tom's  dominions  passed  seven  decrees 
against  it,  and  threatened  to  flog  any  boy  wlio  entered 
the  army  without  the  consent  of  his  parents,  master  or 
Guardiria  niA  also  cuacted  severe  iTonaities  against  those 


m 


A 


f 


128 


wlio  were  inslruraerAal  in  enticing  them  away.  These 
lellows,  had  the  impudence  to  quote  a  ccitain  passage 
from  an  old  musty  record,  whicii  directs  children  to 
■•  Honor  their  father  and  mother  that  their  days  may 
be  long  on  the  land  &:c.''  pretending  to  infer  from  this 
(hat  running  away  from  parents  without  leave  first  had 
and  obtained,  to  engage  in  "  glorious  war,"  to  conquer 
no  body  knew  what,)  was  disobeying  and  consequently 
dhlionoring  parents.  The  measure  at  first,  appeared 
a  little  high-handed  to  the  tnie  blues,  to  the  advocates 
for  the  war",  who  were  not  in  a  situation  to  take  a  view 
of  the  whole  ground.  But  it  was  soon  shrewdly  whisper- 
ed in  their  ears  that  ihe  fathers  of  such  had  marifitlly  re- 
sisted every  enticement  to  enlist,  and  s!iov/n  themselves 
proof  against  every  allurement  to  the  field  of  danger, 
that  it  was  probable  that  all  their  sons  were  true  begot- 
tai  in  this  respect,  or  if  it  otherwise  happened,  it  would 
l!K}asy  to  blow  a  little  of  the  Bladensburgh  panic  into 
iheir  tender  .breasts,  which  would  be  sufficient  to  em- 
bargo them  jn  the  paternal  kitchen,  until  the  war  was 
over. 

But  in  the  midst  of  th's  cogitation-fever  and  project- 
labor,  in  popt  a  messenger  witli  a  treaty  of  Peace, 
which  it  appeared  had  been  signed  at  Ghent,  on  the  24th 
of  December  preceding. 

Ye  invisible  beij^gs,  of  musquito  penetration,  wliose 
e}  es  discern  the  motion  of  every  nerve  and  muscle  in 
man,  relate,  how  many  a  heart  that  had  been  long  de- 
pressed with  fear,  began  to  bound  with  hope  and  dance 
with  exultation.  Relate,  how  the  sluggish  blood  which 
long  since  retreated  to  the  hiding  places  of  the  heart, 
began  from  this  moment  to  crawl  along  the  clogged 


■^ 


129  * 

-enii?,  and  resume  its  wonted  office  in  the  scvtral  sysf- 
tenis  of  the  assembled  great  ones. — 

Within  a  few  hours,  all  was  confusion  about  the  Wig- 
wam. A  host  of  whiskered  gentry  were  seen  dodging 
out  and  in  and  multitudes  crowded  around  to  know  what 
Ihe  treaty  contained.  The  mob  were  soon  informed 
that  it  would  be  good  manners  for  them  to  wait  until 
Uncle  Sam  had  first  heard  i t.  Tlie  long  table  was  drawu 
out,  and  the  Bladensburgh.  noblesse  seated  themselves 
around.  Sangrado,  as  his  duty  was,  stood  behind  Uii» 
cle  Sam's  chair  in  waiting.  The  Chief  Steward  havino' 
commanded  silence,  bade  the  Chief  Clerk  stand  up  and 
read  the  treaty. 

Chief  Clerk  reach.  "His  Biitannic  Majesty  and  the 
United  States  of  America,  being  desirous  of  terminat- 
ing the  war  which  has  unhappily  subsisted  between  the 
two  countries" — 

Uncle  Sam.  Hold  Sir.  It  is  of  no  use  to  read  all 
that,  preamble,  I'll  take  my  pocket-book  and  call  for 
liie  matter  as  I  want  it.  In  the  first  place  let  me  askj 
how  many  articles  have  you  in  that  thing— it  looks  long 
— quite  a  large  paper. 

Chief  Clerk.  Eleven  Articles  Sir. 

Unde  Sa77i,  Eleven,  aye— What !  eleven,  why  that's 
more  than  we  wanted.  I  have  a  memorandum  of  only 
six  in  my  pocket-book.  Now  begin  with  the  first  arti- 
cle ;  that  renounces  forever  his  illegal  bltjckades,  I  sup- 
pose. 

Chief  Clerk.  No  Sir,  that  relates  to  making  Peace — 

Uncle  Sa^n.  Peace,  Peace  ?  no  need  of  that,  war  ceas- 
es of  itself,  w  hen  we  leave  off  fighting :  When  we  rifli 
away  from  the  enemy ;  aye,  Jacques  ? 

12* 


"'  i\ 


V 


'■-^m^^      . 


\ 


\l 


1L  ! 


11 


1^ 

Chief  Steward.  Why  Sir,  having  declared  war  ui  due 
form,  it  was  necessary  we  should  declare  peace  with  es 
much  formality. 

Unck  Sam.  Aye,  very  well,  read  on,  come,  the  Block- 
ades ! 

Chief  Clerk.  The  second  article  speaks  of  ratifying 
the  treaty,  and  the  time  in  which  hostilities  shall  be  con- 
sidered as  having  ceased,  with  respect  to  the  captures 
of  vessels  on  the  high  seas.  This  article  is  a  necessary 
consequence  of  the  preceding. 
Uncle  Sam.  Oh,  very  well,  go  on. 
Chief  Clerk.  Article  third  treats  of  the  exchange  of 

Prisoners. 

Uncle  Sam.  Very  well,  read  on. 

Chief  Clerk.  Articles  fourth  and  fifth  treat  of  running 
boundary  lines  anew. — 

Uncle  Sam.  Boundary  lines,  what  ?  Oh,  aye  so  as  to 
take  in  Canada  I  suppose,  very  well,  read  on.  Come 
the  Blockades  !  I  have  my  thumb  on  it. 

Chief  Clerk.  Articles  seventh  and  eighth  refer  to 
boundaries  also. 

Uncle  Sam.  What,  what,  boundaries  again,  more  tev- 
)  itory  !  Sangrado,  we  shall  have  to  make  you  Governor 

yet. 

Chief  Steward,  (aside.)  D n  that  Pocket-book,  I 

wish  it  was  burnt. 

Chief  CUr\i.  Article  ninth  relates  to  hostilities  with 
the  Indian  tribes.  Article  tenth  treats  of  the  abolition 
of  the  Slave  trade.  The  last  article  relates  to  the  mu- 
tual obligation  of  the  Treaty  on  both  the  contracting 

powers. 

UncU  Sam.  What !  what,  have  we  not  obtained  a  sin- 
gift  Oiing  we  have  been  fighting  for  ?  What  does  all  this 


i 


'""'^•^1^^^ 


r 

I 

;h 
>n 

u- 

n- 
lis 


iSl 

mean  ?  Boundaries,  Ratifications,  Indians,  Slaves,  obli- 
gations ?  what,  we  didn't  go  to  war  for  this  trumpery  ! 
Blockade's,  Sailors'  rights,  John  Henry,  what !  have  we 
no  redress,  what  ? 

Chief  Steward.  Oh  yes,  my  dear  sir,  we  have  obtain- 
ed all  we  contended  for.     The  blockades  and  orders  iit 
council  are  much  the  same  tiling.     Bull  rescinded  his 
orders  in  council  long  since.    With  regard  to  sailor's 
rights  he  is  dismissing  his  own  sailors  now,  and  sure 
when  he  has  more  sailors  than  he  knows  what  to  do 
with,  he  can  have  no  motive  to  take  ours :  and  with  re- 
gard to  John  Henry,  we  have  taken  our  satisfaction  in 
playing  the  same  game  with  Bull  at  a  much  greater  rate, 
so  that  we  may  sett  off  even  in  that  respect. 

Besides  we  have  acquired  immortal  honor  in  this 
war  :  look  at  the  exploits  of  our  Navy  and  the  defence 
of  New-Orleans,  the  defence  of  Fori  Meigs  and  Ston- 
nington,  the  capture  of  Little  York  and  the  battle  of 
Chippewa.  The  honor  we  have  obtained  alone,  would 
well  recompense  us  for  all  the  charges  of  the  war. 

Unch  Sam.  Exploits  of  the  Navy !  you  must  give 
Tom  Boston  credit  for  that.  His  brave  tars  have 
achieved  every  victory,  that  has  been  gained.  Surely 
you  won't  have  the  brass  to  boast  of  the  exploits  of  the 
Navy.  Have  you  forgotten  that  you  have  been  the 
deadly  er.emies  of  a  navy  all  your  days  ?  That  you 
turned  Tom  out  of  office  for  building  it  ?  Sangrado 
give  me  a  glass  of  your  Whiskey  with  a  few  of  your 
Lethean  drops  in  it — I  grow  faint. 

While  the  Squire  was  administering  the  balsam  of 
forgetfulness  to  the  war-sick  Knight, — in  comes  the 
Chief  Scribe  of  the  strong  box  with  a  huge  bundle  on 
liiS  back.    No  Jew-Pedlar  ever  trudged  beneath  a  hea- 


■■■II 


.^apSi*»¥**F'. 


132 

vier  load ;  down  goes  the  budget,  when  the  scribe  begaa 
to  pull  out  and  unrol  a  paper  of  much  greater  Longitude 
than  Latitude,  when  the  Knight  with  his  usual  importu-^ 
nity  began  to  ask  wliat  he  had — what  it  meant  ?  The 
Chief  Scribe  replied  that  it  was  an  account  Current,  of 
his  honors  receipts  and  expenditures  during  the  war. 

Aye  said  Uncle  Sam,  read  it  let  us  hear  how  it  sounds, 
don't  be  tedious  now,  just  give  us  the  round  numbers, 
don't  descend  to  the  particular  items. 

Chief  Scribe.  The  whole  amount  of  expenditures,  is 
two  hundred  million?  of  dollars  ;  for  which  we  have  in 
return,  experience  in  the  art  of  war,  say  fifty  million? 
The  increased  value  of  our  Navy  and  Fortifications,  say 
fifty  millions  more.  Then  there's  tlie  Glory  we  have 
acquired,  no  one  will  deny  is  worth  at  least  one  hundred 
millions  more,  and  this  balances  the  account. 

Uncle  Sam.  Aye  then  we  have  done  well  j  we  have 
the  Peace,  the  Boundary  lines,  the  pacification  of  the 
Indian  tribes,  and  the  ratifications  as  all  clear  gain— 
neat  profits,  aye  Sangrado  ?  we've  done  very  well,  aye  ? 

Sangi^ado.     But  then  we  iiave  lost  Moose  Island. 

Uncle  Sam.  Aye,  Moose  Island,  what  is  that  worth  ? 
What  are  a  few  roods  of  earth,  to  a  whole  continent  of 
fame!  But  what  a  strange  tlnng.is  war  !  How  magical, 
how  potent  in  its  operations !  By  two  or  three  years  of 
war,  blockades  become  ratifications.  Sailors  right? 
boundaries !  And  John  Henry's  plots  are  transmuted 
into  abolition  of  the  slave  trade.  Aye,  but  there's  the 
Glory,  that's  the  choicest  part  of  the  whole.  Well,  then 
I  suppose  I  may  take  this  bundle,  and  use  it  as  occasion 
requires ;  What  jiapers  are  all  these,  so  nicely  folded 
wbich  I  see  here  in  the  «  Sacks  moutV^  Ayr,  Glory 
Bills !  Drafts  at  sight,  on  immortality.   Wonderful  met^ 


II  i! 


133 


amorphosis  I  in  former  times  we  used  to  call  just  such 
tilings  as  these  Tax  Billsy  but  Tempora  mutantur^  times 
are  changed. 

During  these  transactions  her  ladyship  and  Sangrado 
expressed  by^significant  smiles,  their  pleasure  at  seeing 
the  complete  delusion  of  Uncle  Sam.  Sangrado  im- 
puted it  to  the  draught  of  Philosophic  nectar  which  he 
had  administered  to  him. 

As  Eneas,  the  Trojan  prince,  shouldered  the  shield 
on  wljose  surface  the  fortunes  of  all  his  posterity  were 
represented,  so  our  Hero  lifted  the  portentous  budget  on 
his  shoulders  amidst  the  mobocratir,  shouts  of «  glorious 
war ;"  little  reflecting  on  the  bitter  sequel  of  its  contents 
—regardless  of  the  past  as  unconscious  of  the  future. 
So  nations  pass  down  the  beguiling  stream  of  fate,  the 
evil  genius  of  the  demagogue  cries  out  «  Breakers,"  and 
hurries  them  along  until  they  have  shot  the  "  impassable 
gulph,"  when  they  look  back  with  useless  astonishment, 
and  wonder  how  they  came  there.     In  a  free  govern- 
ment, the  frequent  recurrence  of  the  elective  power  to 
the  will  of  the  people,- would,  if  that  will  were  well  in- 
formed and  unbiassed,  ever  prove  a  sufficient  barrier 
against  the  efforts  of  a  despot  on  the  one  hand,  and  the 
intrigues  of  the  demagogue  on  the  other.    As  in  an  ab- 
solute government,  the  Tyrant  breaks  the  nati»n  into 
factions,  and  attaches  the  least  obnoxious  and  most 
powerful  of  them  to  his  cause ;  so  in  a  repubhcan  state, 
factions  are  created  by  ambitious,  designing  and  crafty 
individuals,  who  hold  up  the  piblic  welfare  as  their  sole 
object,  and  make  the  most  ardent  and  disinterested  pro- 
fessions.   In  the  former  case,  the  Monarch  is  the  tyrant, 
in  the  latter  the  prevailing  faction.    Under  these  cir- 
cumstances, wheu  oppression  reaches  a  definite  point, 


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134 

the' choice  of  the  weary  and  suffering  muliitude,  usually 
settles  down  between  the  terminable  ambition  and  mea- 
sured revenge  of  an  individual,  and  the  inexorable  ma- 
lice of  an  incensed  multitude. 

No  class  of  men  of  whatever  party,  can  have  any 
claim  to  the  character  of  Statesmen,  who  have  not  a 
regular  plan,  some  uniform  system,  the  operations  of 
which  extend  beyond  the  temporary  exigences  of  the 
moment,  and  which  in  no  case  can  contravene  those 
principles,  which  form  the   basis  of  the  government. 
Washington  had  a  plan  of  finance  general  and  uniform 
in  its  operations.     The  exceptions  urged  against  some 
of  its  features,  even  then  served,  in  the  eyes  of  correct 
Statesmen  only  to  strengthen  their  conviction  of  its  wis- 
dom and  its  Justice  ;  but  it  may  be  said  with  truth,  that 
in  putting  the  complex  machine  into  operation,  he  was 
greatly  assisted  by  that  great  statesman,  INlr.  Hamilton, 
whose  profound  and  comprehensive  views,  were  as  ad- 
mirably adapted  to  the  exigences  of  that  important  cri- 
sis, as  his  principles  and  his  integrity  were  pure  and  ir- 
reproachable.    His  impartial  policy  toward  the  differ- 
ent states  of  Europe,  at  an  epoch  more  difficult  than 
any  we  have  since  witnessed,  kept  us  from  being  em- 
broiled in  their  destructive  conflicts.    A  different  course 
of  pohcy  under  the  two  last  administrations  toward 
these  same  nations,  has  written  the  wisdom  of  Wash- 
ington in  characters  of  blood,  on  the  history  of  our 

country. 

Washington  knew  that  we  were  a  commercial  people^^ 
and  he  acted  from  that  conviction.    He  saw  a  produc- 
tive  revenue  arising  from  the  multiplied  operations  of 
Commerce.    He  felt  that  in  protecting  Commerce,  he 
fostered  Agriculture    To  this  end,,  he  never  ceased  to 


-•^-^'^f^^^t^S^l^^gBW'w. 


135 


recommend  the  gradual  creation  of  a  navy.    His  su(r- 
cessor  followed  his  example,  until  popular  clamor  silenc- 
ed his  efforts.     Here  then  comes  the  awful  chasm  in  our 
road  to  independence — to  that  independence  on  the 
smiles  or  the  frowns  of  other  nations,  which  whensoever 
occasion  may  demand,  shall  place  us  beyond  the  reach 
of  their  intrigues  or  their  power.     The  Washington 
policy  with  respect  to  a  navy,  seems  now  fully  justified. 
Political  folly  and  wickedness  has  furnished  the  occa- 
sion ;  and  over-ruling  necessity  has  forever  established 
the  doctrine  "  that  a  poweif  d  naval  armament  is  essen- 
tial to  the  independence  of  this  country."    Nor  has  the 
correctness  of  the  Washington  system  of  finance  and 
of  revenue,  been  less  the  subject  of  historical  demon- 
stration.   A  dnect  lax  was  once  reprobated  from  a 
principle  of  idle  fear  of  a  possihh  evil ;  it  is  now  tole- 
rated in  a  threefold  pressure,  as  a  necessary  act  to 
remedy  past  wklcedness  and  achiowledged  folhj. 

A  standing  army  once  p  eseiited  a  frightful  bugbear 
to  philosophic  delicacy  ;  it  is  now  the  harmless  and  ra- 
tional armor  of  freemen,  as  liUle  dangerous  as  the  fowl- 
ing piece  of  a  gunner,  or  the  rifle  of  a  back-woodsman. 
Such  are  the  strong  colored  results  of  our  party  strug- 
jrles  during  an  experiment  of  fifteen  years.     When  de- 
monstration takes  the  place  of  argument,  truth  is  hon- 
ored, although  in  the  minority.     History  will  look  with 
peculiar  complacency  on  the  measures  of  Washington, 
and  her  approving  criticism  will  fasten  with  delight  on 
his  extensive  and  liberal  plans,  at  a  crisis  when  ex- 
periment was  dangerous,  and  miscarriage  destruction 
Could  truth  record  the  same  decision  v.ith  regard  to 
the  policy  of  his  successors,  the  advocates  for  heredi- 
tary governments,  and  limited  monarchies,  would  even 


f  'I 


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136 

at  this  early  period  of  our  history,  be  almost  compel- 
led  to  Yield  the  argument  in  favor  of  our  repubhcan 
form,  even  on  the  score  of  experience.  But  unhappily 
Mr.  Jefferson's  ambition  prompted  him  to  aspire  to  the 
chief  Magistracy,  with  more  regard  to  the  efficiency  of 
the  measures,  necessary  for  the  attainment  of  Ins  ob- 
iect,  than  delicacy  with  respect  to  the  morality  of  those 
measures,  or  the  awful  effect  they  were  to  have  on  our 
political  institutions,  and  the  public  mind. 

In  comparison  with  the  many  distinguished  charac- 
tors  whose  important  services  at  that  period,  claimed 
the  reward  of  national  gratitude,  Mr.  Jefferson  stood 
but  a  slender  chance.  His  revolutionary  services  were 
little  more  than  votive  and  nominal.  His  hostility  to 
the  oppressive  measures  of  the  parent  state  which  pro. 
duced  the  rupture,  was  rather  the  effect  of  hatred,  tiian 
the  result  of  principle.  His  courage  and  Jlrmmss  were 
purely  of  the  theoretical  cast,  as  the  hour  of  trial  abui> 

tlanlly  proved.*  ,      ,  m    r 

He  came  into  office,  therefore  with  his  head  full  oi 
projects  and  his  heart  of  promises.     For  it  was  plain 
that  the  less  he  had  already  done,  the  more  he  was 
bound  to  offer.    The  more  brilliant  the  career  of  his 
predecessors,  so  much  the  higher  must  rise  his  profes- 
sions  of  attachment  to  the  public  welfare.    And  m  this 
part  of  his  duty  public  expectation  was  not  disappoint- 
ed.    He  had  no  sooner  entered  on  the  duties  of  his  of- 
fice, than  he  began  to  be  rapidly  delivered  of  his  nume- 
rous kind  wishes  for  the  general  good.     Economy  was 
his  favorite  measure  ;  and  this  he  carried  to  such  a  lu- 
dicrous extent  that  the  «  ears  even  of  the  groundlings'' 

•  This  alludes  to  his  well  known  flight  to  Cartefa  mountain. 


P'mi-w-m.. 


137 


were  split  with  his  applause.  To  such  an  extravagant 
degree  did  he  carry  this  darling  measure,  that  it  almost 
fixed  the  period  for  its  own  destruction.  Discarding 
any  expenditures  for  coast  or  maritime  defence,  it  in- 
vited foreign  aggression  and  insult :  exposed  us  to  the 
liberal  contempt  and  ridicule  of  evey  petty  maritime 
state  m  Europe,  and  laid  in  the  course  of  events,  the 
foundation  of  that  scandalous  Terrapin  system,  which 
consummated  our  shame  and  plunged  us  into  war. 

His  gun  boat  system,  that  ridiculous  monument  of  hu- 
man folly,  outlived  all  his  other  schemes.  But  it  exist- 
ed from  necessity,  as  the  only  surviving  partner  of  the 
navy ;  it  now  forms  one  of  the  discarded  items  of  phi- 
2osophic  weakness.  His  dry-dock  plan  scarcely  survi- 
ved the  christening ;  and  his  Canal-project  was  still- 
born. Public  contempt  has  fixed  the  fate  of  economy 
for  the  present,  from  which  the  famous  Gun-boat  sys- 
tem finds  a  refuge  only  by  its  insignificance.  Both 
these  experiments  have  been  very  costly  to  the  nation  : 
the  expenses  of  the  gun-boat  scheme,  although  immense 
have  been  paid  off,  and  are  no  longer  felt ;  but  we  are 
doomed  to  taste  the  bitter  fruits  of  Jefferson's  economy 
for  ages  to  come.  But  still  asks  the  enquirer,  are  not 
parties  useful  in  a  republican  government  ?  They  are, 
most  certainly  when  opposition  is  the  result  of  attach- 
ment to  measures  and  not  to  inen.  Its  efforts  then  serve 
to  make  the  ruling  party  watchful  only  for  the  public 
welfare  ;  not  watchful  to  retain  their  offices.  But  an 
opposition  formed  on  corrupt  principles  and  from  de- 
praved motives,  tends  to  deprave  the  ruling  party',  by 
conforming  its  measures  of  defence  to  those  of  attack. — 
Why  then,  aid  on  what  principles  does  the  opposition 
to  the  present  administration  continue  ?  We  answer  :— 

13 


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.^.^MAyESfsni^ 


138 


■'''% 


Because  the  present  ruling  party,  when  in  the 
first  r- c^  ded  from  the  main  body ;  they 


mino- 
declar- 


ideed  to  be  the  result  of  principle, 


rity 

ed  their  rec:;?:on  in ,    i      j 

of  attachment  to  measures  and  not  to  men  ;  ue  declared 
the  motive  a  corrupt  one.    A  revolution  of  fifteen  years 
has  brought  us  exactly  back  to  the  same  ground,  >vith 
respect  to  measures^  yet  their  attachment  to  men  con- 
tinues;  not  to  men  as  merely  belonging  to  the  party; 
but  to  the  very  men  who  first  seduced  that  party  from 
its  allegiance  and  whose  experiments  have  cost  the  na- 
tion so  many  millions  and  so  many  lives.     If  you  con- 
demn the  treason,  why  do  you  retain  the  traitor  in  your 
service  ?  But  the  traitor  has  reformed  say  you.    Not 
on  your  hypothesis ;  he  has  apostatized  from  all  the  pro- 
fessions  he  has  ever  made.    He  has  declared  by  h.s 
conduct  that  he  became  a  partizan  from  corrupt  mo- 
tives, that  he  has  cQ7itinued  so  from  corrupt  motives  un- 
til he  had  brought  his  Country  to  the  brink  of  bank- 
ruptcy and  ruin  ;  aud  now  to  reward  him  for  changn.g 
his  prmciples,  even  when  this  change  comes  from  the 
depraved  purpose  of  saving  his  ofiice,  we  are  called  on 
to  give  him  our  caresses  and  suff-rages.    Let  the  refor- 
mation be  complete  ;  if  the  Ostracism  of  the  revolu< 
tionary  patriots  were  an  error,  which  is  acknowledged 
c?^/ac;(7,  recall  them. 

If  you  cannot  restore  the  stolen  goods  and  wasted 
property,  punish  the  thief-ifyou  cannot  punish  the 
thief,  dismiss  him  from  your  service.  Do  not  retam 
him  merely  to  gratify  your  malice  against  those  who 
have  committed  no  other  crime  than  endeavormg  to 
prosecute  the  offender  and  bring  him  to  justice.  If  it 
is  bowing  too  much  to  vote  for  a  man  of  political  opin- 
•  ions  opposite  to  your  own,  give  your  support  to  tli? 


139 

least  exceptionable  of  your  own  party  ;  to  those  if  yoa 
can  find  them,  whose  hands  are  not  polluted  with  the 
peculation  of  the  public  treasure,  and  not  stained  with 
hlood.     "  Oh  !  you  sav,  all  men  are  imperfect ;  it  is  all 
the  love  of  oiiice  ;  there  is  no  such  thing  as  disinter- 
ested patriotism  on  earth  j  men  are  governed  wholly 
by  selfishness."    This  consequence  you  infer  from  your  - 
disappointment  with  respect  to  the  men  whom  you  have 
supported  so  long  ;  and  perhaps  also  from  the  univer- 
sal  indifference  manifested  towards  the  late  war.     In 
the  first  instance  vou  beg  the  question  by  drawmg  a 
generra  inference  from  a  particular  case  ;  and  m  the 
tccond,  the  experiment  was  an  unfair  one.    Washmg- 
;on,  Hamilton,  Patrick  Henry,  Warren,  Montgomery, 
and  many  others  were  Patriots;  (yet  they  all  aspired 
to  renown  and  were,   in  a  certain  sense,  seljish>)  and 
their  names  will  appear  on  the  page  of  history  as  pat- 
riots, long  after  the  bickering  of  the  present  time  shal 
be  iLid  asleep,  and  on  the  same  page  tl-  -me s^f 
those  privileged  wretches  who  have  tortured  the  nation 
iiiose  privi   k  .jj  ^g  recorded 

with  experiments,  loi   niietn  ^vaia,  .  ^  ^f 

only  as  demagogues  and  as  beacons  for  the  .varmng  of 

posterity.  .  ,11* 

We  must  now  retire  from  the  didactic  to  the  his- 
toric department  of  our  closing  duty.     The  faithful 
Squire,  at  the  promulgation  of  the  treaty  found  himself 
saddled  with  the  heaviest  task  that  had  ever  yet  been 
laid  on  him.     It  was  indeed  a  bitter  pill  for  high  mmd- 
ed  war  hawks  to  swallow.    But  the  doctor  knew  his  pa- 
tient.     Her  Ladyship,  notwithstanding  her  seeming 
good  cheer,  was  not  the  happiest  personage  in  the  fami- 
ly    The  Chief  Steward  carried  not  a  fig  for  the  con- 
clusion of  the  farce,  so  might  he  save  but  his  office.--. 
It  becomes  us  to  notice  a  remarkable  change  in  Uncle 


J--    ! 


•'iSSit'JHB.tf' 


/ 


i4« 

^am-s  Lady.  She  has  lately  discarded  all  lier  Ibnr.ei^ 
notions  of  parsimony  and  philosophic  whims  of  econo- 
my, and  has  most  graciously  bestowed  on  herself  a  ve- 
ij  splendid  Salary,  and  whereas,  formerly  her  family 
servants  received  only  six  dollars  per  diem,  they  now 
receive  fifteen liundred,  for  each  entertainment  or  levee 
slie  holds,  to  see  company.  Some  have  feared  that 
these  high  Vages  would  make  her  servants  too  inde- 
pendent and  lazy  and  withali  too  proud  to  do  the  work 
of  the  kitchen  and  keep  the  dishes  in  order ;  but  it  must 
be  recollected  that  since  madam  has  very  kindly  lakeu 
on  herself  the  duty  of  electing  the  Chief  Steward,  and 
in  fact  discharges  the  functions  of  two  offices,  she  is  cer- 
fainly  entitled  to  a  stipend  commensurate  with  her  labors^ 
The  Squire  is  a  person  of  some  aculeness  nnd  never 
is*  troubled  witli  scruples  of  conscience.  He  did  not 
lose  the  Governoi-ship  of  Canada,  for  he  never  had  it, 
^nen  in  expectation.  He  is  one  of  those  iwidical  and 
(LvisUihle  beings,  who  can  always  serve  all  occasions, 
sail  in  all  wUids,  and  blow  liol  and  cold,  wet  and  dry 
through  the  same  whistle. 

SONG, 

t  By  the  Squire. 

Full  o{  valor,  full  of  fire 

For  honor  did  our  hero  pant  j 
Sangrado  was  his  faithful  squire, 

Democracy  his  Rozinante. 

With  wind  and  types  to  storm  a  foe. 

No  warrior  e'er  could  beat  him  ; 
A-nd  if  towar'd  danger  ne'er  he'd  go. 

No  danger  fetire  could  meet  him. 


141 


(f  Bull  again,  his  head  should  show. 

With  slander  we'll  berate  him ; 
\nd  if  we  cannot  kill  the  foe, 

We'll  tan  his  hide  verbatim. 

Vnd  what's  the  use  to  storm  and  rave^ 

That  Canada's  not  taken  ? 
The  attempt  we've  made,  alike  doth  save 

Our  credit  and  our  bacon. 

We've  conquer'd  office,  reason,  shame, 
Fought  truth  and  conscience  down  j 

Drain'd  the  last  cent  from  Uncle  Sam, 
And  turn'd  him  on  the  Town. 

And  what  could  Jacks  and  Jemmies  dO; 

To  save  a  falling  City  ? 
But  stay  and  have  their  hearts  bor'd  through 

With  bullets  !■— What  a  pity  ! 

A  living  dog  to  lion  dead, 

King  Solomon  prefers  j 
And  he  for  fame  that  gives  his  head, 

'Gainst  fame  hath  shut  his^ears. 

Some  say  that  glory  here  below, 

Is  transient  in  its  nature  ; 
Our  Tax-Collectors  yet  shall  show, 

'Tis  4i)rm'd  of  solid  matter. 

Economy  was  once  the  toast, 

When  we  were  leagu'd  with  Bony ; 

But  Uncle  Sam  has  turn'd  Jack  tor. 
And  now  he  sp€n4$  his  money. 


fl: 


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f 


..^^'m'^USSff,..: 


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%\  1 


<1!M 


With  Salt  our  glory-fund  we  use. 

Our  Clothing,  Sugar,  Rum, 
Nor  shall  our  children's  children  lose 

The  boon  for  years  to  come. 

Bone  of  our  hone  shall  glory  be, 

A  debt  redeeming  trophy  : 
Our  Ladies  sip  it  in  their  tea, 

And  we,  in  Punch  and  Coffee. 

^Till  glory  breed  us  valiant  sons, 

And  yet  unbreathing  Beauties ; 
The  Tax  Direct  shall  form  their  bones. 
Their  Jlesh,  the  Impost  duties. 


\ 


f2 


